Our Government Isn't Working, and Neither Is GTA 5: Online

Get your head out of your ass, America

Oct 3, 2013 at 6:20 pm

A statistical breakdown of all the things that don’t work in this world would reveal that some of them were supposed to and some never stood a chance.  

Some might ask why it matters if the thing was supposed to function properly or if it was as ill-conceived as wearing a feather suit and attempting flight from atop of the Eiffel Tower, since the end result for both is one of non-functionality. 

[Find CityBeat's entire collection of Shut It Down 2013 coverage here.]

Other smarter people would hopefully be within earshot or Internet’s reach so that they could explain why it is important to understand the differences between things that don’t work. Without understanding how and why things work, we could one day end up in a situation where our elected officials quit showing up to their jobs but continued to get paid like Tony Soprano used to at that sanitation company in New Jersey. 

Wait, fuck.

Going back many years, Rockstar Games has produced some classics, and the Grand Theft Auto franchise is as influential and renowned as any of its era. The game series was important enough to cause politicians to get all rubby and upset because of scenes depicting sex with prostitutes a few years ago. Politicians don’t care about prostitutes in real life, but the ones that were getting shot and run over in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas really upset them. 

Like a dependable friend, Rockstar has always aimed to offer its consumers a high-grade product. The release of the online multiplayer part of the game has recently caused everyone in the world who owns the game to try to get down and start playing at the same time. I tried, failed, and reloaded the goddamn game like 11 times already today. Each time the servers are so busy that nothing happens. It’s something that doesn’t work, and I am surprised that it isn’t.

America is the best at sports, but we are also the best at keeping a straight face while taking insane amounts of effort to stop gay people from marrying, stoners from getting high and people not losing everything they own because they got sick or otherwise injured. If the government kept more people from purchasing GTA 5, I probably could have played it all day today. 

If Rockstar Games realized how many copies of the game it sold and bought enough servers to handle the online function’s release, perhaps the politicians wouldn’t have quit and left the nation in an ugly situation where everyone thinks they are irresponsible assholes who have jeopardized the stability and prosperity of this nation. 

Nevermind. That doesn’t make sense. 

Before the politicians closed up shop, they did manage to spend some time blaming GTA for every little shit with no parental oversight in the country who grabbed a gun and shot someone. As it stands now, the violent video game politicians hated doesn’t work and the politicians don’t either. 

In short order, Rockstar will fix the issue. On the other hand, politicians have no incentive to resume performing their job duties because they are still being paid and were already rich. 

We live in a country where technological issues can be resolved more quickly than issues regarding who has to sell their house to see a doctor and who doesn’t. 

There are cruel and soulless people in positions of great power. They seek to decide who can get healed, who can marry whom and who gets to spend years in privatized prisons for non-violent drug offenses. Hundreds of politicians quit showing up to work for reasons that are troubling to think about and for issues that are not going to go away. 

It’s hard to tell how the country is doing on a day-to-day basis since you can still get pizza delivered and watch football on TV like five of the seven nights a week. 

It’s even harder to think that America is entering a scary period in which stubbornness, greed and hate are driving forces. 

It’s even harder than both these things to think that some of these worthless politicians are at home right now playing GTA 5: Online, not caring about the future of this country and somehow preventing me from playing. ©