Pious or Against Us

The Creation Museum, currently under construction in Petersburg, Ky., will depict the Earth's history based on a strict, literal interpretation of the Bible rather than on the theory of evolution.

Jul 27, 2005 at 2:06 pm

The Creation Museum, currently under construction in Petersburg, Ky., will depict the Earth's history based on a strict, literal interpretation of the Bible rather than on the theory of evolution. Planned exhibits will present evidence of the six days of creation; Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden; Noah's Ark; the nearly 1,000-year life of Methuselah; and of dinosaurs roaming the planet with man 6,000 years ago rather than the tens of millions of years scientists assert.

— News story

It's time to get in the car, hit America's highways and keep turning your wheel to the religious right. Because today there are more dogmacational attractions for your family to discover than ever before. Like:

The Museum of Inferior People: Today, many white heterosexual Christians in America are confused. They know they're better than everyone else, but by exactly how much? The Museum of Inferior People seeks to put an end to this uncertainty with a wealth of sacred documents, powerful exhibits and blinding graphics. Here you'll learn exactly where every religion, race, nationality and worldview rates behind yours — individually or in complex combination. Is a gay Hindu living in the U.S on a green card more or less inferior to you than a liberal black Muslim who's a citizen of France? Can a lesbian Asian claim moral superiority over a bisexual gypsy atheist?

Now you'll know!

Want more? There's lots more! Instantly calculate the up-to-the-second total weight of the White Man's Burden using the amazing OmniAtomic HubriScopic Brain. Summarily dismiss ancient competing belief systems with the wave of our animatronic Christ's lifelike hand. Even wrathfully smite real, live inferiors — from agnostics to Zoroastrians — on the spot (extra charge required). Superiority has never been so super fun!

The Divine Invention, Innovation and Industry Institute: Did you know that what many intellectuals or so-called "thinking people" consider marvels of science are, in truth, Marvels of God? Or, more simply put, that all inventions are God's inventions? The new DI3 Institute begins with the wholly correct premise of God as the irrefutable Creator of Life, then traces His progress as He spitballs this luminous idea to become the Creator of Life Magazine; Life cereal; Life, the board game; and MetLife. But that's not all. By tour's end you'll accept that God is the Genius — both the inspiration and perspiration — behind the internal combustion engine, the telephone, the airplane, the Internet (Al Gore indeed!), The George Foreman Grill (George Foreman indeed!), peekapoos, beer/soda can safes, Applebee's new menu and practically everything else with the exception of Windows operating system and hardcore pornography. Come see the bounty of invention that is His and join all (non-Amish) Christians as we give praise and tribute to the Celestial Thomas Edison Times Infinity for the life-improving improvements He holds the True Patents on.

Ripley's Believe It or Suffer Eternal Damnation! Museum: Ripley's Entertainment, Inc., owner of the world famous Believe it or Not! Museums and the most trusted name in the presentation and exhibition of hard-to-believe facts, is lending its authority and time-honored credibility to Biblical miracles. This new faith-based venture, with multiple locations throughout America's red states plus one in Orange County, showcases and recreates the most astounding, inexplicable and wondrous feats to ever occur on earth. See a single loaf and fish serve every guest with paid admission! Witness Lazarus, connected to today's most modern, accurate and sensitive medical monitors, flat line ... then amazingly reanimate! Learn how Jesus walked on water. (Hint: How did the Cuyahoga River catch on fire?) They're all here! From Genesis to Revelations! From the Flood to the Resurrection! Ripley's. It's phenomenondenominational!

Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ Studios: Unlike the secular thrills offered by (Jewish-controlled) Universal and MGM studios, Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ Studios lets true believers experience the divine adventure of the Messiah's last days. Rest assured this isn't the poignant, sanitized crucifixion depicted in films from the B.M. (Before Mel) era. This is suffering at its Aramaic-uttering, cross-dragging, stone-pelting best! And whether you choose to spend the day rushing from the all-hymn-singing/ positively-no-dancing shows in Gospel Gulch to the epistles at Ascension Point or simply soaking up the Son in our immaculate Miracle-Gro Gethsemane Gardens, the whole family is sure to have a rip-roaring, redeeming time.

And speaking of the family, you'll find plenty of "just for kids" activities, including hand and feet stigmata painting, weaving a crown of child-safe Nerf® thorns and much more. Hungry? Hit one of the in-park McDonald's and order an exclusive Last McSupper for just 30 pieces of silver ($3 in dimes)! Or SuperSize it for just 6.9 pieces (69¢) more. You'll find Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ Studios to be just the antidote to fun you've been looking for. Oh, and one more thing: When the Romans start flaying Christ's flesh and spilling his sacred blood, you will get wet!

CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, a collection of humorous and satirical essays, is in bookstores now.