Mar 1, 2001 at 2:06 pm

Remember when Arsenio Hall had a late night talk show? Once in a while, he would do a routine called "Things that make you go hmmm." That is what's on my mind today, just a stream-of-consciousness, relationship-type stuff without any cohesion. Like right now I'm in the middle of reading the new book, Candyland, by Evan Hunter and Ed McBain (who are the same person, but that's beside the point) and there is a lot of focus on prostitution.

It got me thinking about what if my man went to a prostitute. What's funny is, if my boyfriend went to a hooker, I'd be upset because he cheated on me and with someone in a profession that is less than respectable in today's society. Now that I'm married, I would still be angry if my spouse used the services of a hooker, but only because he wasted money on something that'll last for five minutes when he knows damn well that we need the money to get the back porch re-screened.

As I've said many times before, we all pay for sex in one way or another so it really is no big deal. But it is cheating if you are in a committed relationship. So keep your winkie and your wallet in your pants unless you're single.

The other day I was going through some old boxes looking for junk to throw away, and I came across an anal sex toy. It was still in the package and hadn't been used. Obviously, I forgot that I had it.

I remember purchasing the item when I was in Nashville a few years back. I haven't seen it in ages, and some folks are so funny about their butts that I've never had a chance to use it.

But like my Water Pik and my old camping equipment, I keep it around because you just never know. It's a good thing that it was inside of a box that was inside of a purse that was inside of a bigger box because that way only I would find it.

Sex toys are funny things because you never know how someone will react to them. There's a scene in one of my favorite movies, Parenthood, when the lights go out and Steve Martin thinks he's found a flashlight when actually it's a vibrator. So unless you are really open and proud about your sexual habits, keep the toys under lock and key. I once dated a guy for about five minutes who I met through the personals who didn't have sex toys.

He did have a very large stash of porn that I accidentally discovered in a closet when I was looking for the bathroom. I mean like mountains of videotapes. He did have a reasonable explanation. The store was going out of business, and they were having a great sale. Who am I to stop someone from saving money? I even borrowed a flick or two.

The porn collection didn't stop me from dumping him. He had a lot of other quirks like a lot of dust in his apartment and a container of salsa in the kitchen with the lid not screwed on tight which really bothered me. He also had really red lips that looked like lipstick, but it wasn't. I probably should've been nicer, because if I got the boot for every little quirk, I'd have spent a lot more evenings at home.

That's pretty much what's been on my mind the last few days: hookers and sex toys. Basically there's nothing wrong with either one. Both are kind of like cheesecake. You don't want it every day, but when you get it, it should be high-quality and not have too much crust.

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