Scared in Clifton, Worried in West Chester

Dear Maija,
I flunked out of UC last month but didn’t tell my dad because he’s going to seriously F me up. I only went to college because my parents know I’m good at math and think when the economy picks up there will be many new jobs for engineers (they really think the stimulus package is going to work). It’s not like I couldn’t have passed calculus and physics if I tried, but I just don’t care how quickly a swimming pool will fill up if there’s a hole in the bottom that loses water at a slightly lower rate than a hose is filling it up (ever heard of a water truck and a patch?!?). My dad is a former collegiate boxer, so should I sock him first or just curl into a ball and hope he feels bad or gets tired?
 — Scared in Clifton

If you’re so good at math, how the hell did you fail out of college? Especially UC? It’s not even a real college. Trust me, I went there. I slept through two-thirds of my classes and I was on the Dean’s List for three years. Add that up, math whiz. If you were my kid, I’d say that there’s a 93 percent chance that I’d hit you too or throw you out. Then you can learn how to add up all the change in your little hobo change cup to buy yourself some Arby’s Curly Fries and a Jamocha Shake. I think I have a coupon for that. You have no future. Curl up and take it like the man your father wants you to be.

5 for $5.95,
Maija

Dear Maija,
The other day my husband watched a TV show about cheetahs and now he wants to go on an expedition in Africa. I’m very scared that he will get killed over there because he’s such an idiot (he and his friends are always repeating lines from “The King of Queens”). He’s totally going to go on the most-dangerous and least-supervised expedition, and I don’t want him to die because I want to have kids someday and don’t feel like finding a new husband. If he insists on going on this stupid trip would it be wrong of me to get close to his single brother who’s a firefighter? — Worried in West Chester

Who are you married to? An eight-year-old? Does he still sleep in a racecar bed? If he actually wants to go on a safari after watching a television show about cheetahs, let him go. He will probably die and then you won’t have to worry about passing his retard genes along to your offspring. Does your husband’s brother also watch “King of Queens?” If so, stay the fuck away. I don’t care how strong his arms are (fireman have very strong arms), anyone who watches that show has a horrible sense of humor. That show is worthless unless you’re entertained by watching Leah Remini’s weight fluctuate. “Roseanne” is and always will be the only funny “working class” sitcom and that’s a fact. Here’s another fact: your husband sounds like an asshole. Why does he make you live in West Chester? So he’s closer to Round Robin, Ruby Tuesdays and that movie theater with big seats with the arms that lift up between them? I bet he’s fat. Fat and stupid. So to break this down into the simplest terms, let your husband spend all of his money on his expedition. When he dies, collect his life insurance, marry his manly, muscular brother and move to Kenwood. They have better schools. Who knows? You might even get some exposure on local news channels about his tragic and strange death, like that grizzly bear guy. Then you can extort money from unsuspecting rich people for the first ever “Anti-Africa” fund-raising campaign.

Leah Remini looks better thin,
Maija