WEDNESDAY SEPT. 21
Some of Mason’s brightest residents panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of Interstate 71. Emergency crews and firefighters converged on the site like something out of Rescue 911 (which was a good show). Wise village elders eventually determined that there wasn’t an emergency landing and that Sully was not involved. In reality, what was thought to be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.
THURSDAY SEPT. 22
President Barack Obama came to Chili Town today, even though he’s not Bob The Builder and he can’t personally fix the Brent Spence Bridge. Fixing the rusting span which connects Ohio to Kentucky before it collapses and sends dozens of locals and their lottery tickets to a watery grave will cost $2.4 billion. Obama assured the audience that the cost doesn’t really matter because this great nation is never going to pay any of its debts and that our new economic plan is to act like we stole a bunch of shit from one of those rent-to-own stores. Having never been so close to the banks of the Ohio River, Obama remarked that he and his kids loved The Labyrinth but did not know scenes set in The Bog of Eternal Stench were filmed here. After this faux pas, the leader of the free world resisted the burning urge to tell the crowd that if they believed America can avoid the total economic collapse and resulting chaos for which the plutocracy has destined us, that “he had a bridge to sell them.”
FRIDAY SEPT. 23
Noted Neanderthal and presidential hopeful Rick Santorum believes the end of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is a social experiment pushed by the Democrats. Now that the armed forces allows people who aren’t heterosexual to dedicate their lives to our nation’s defense, perhaps the brass will stop granting waivers to applicants with felony records and aptitude scores so low that you’d swear the dumbasses were trying to make their answers form a skull shape on the Scantron. Santorum is now said to be licking his wounds and plans on pointing out that the last social experiment by the Democrats left many Southern states with a bunch of “Colored Only” signs that are currently rusting away in a warehouse somewhere.
SATURDAY SEPT. 24
The Family Nurturing Center’s Kids on the Block program has been recognized by The Enquirer for its 25 years of educating elementary school children about abuse, primarily through the use of puppet shows presented in classrooms. The program has expanded its curriculum from sexual and physical abuse and now includes bullying and school safety issues. The organization apparently has a real knack for educating youngsters, even though puppeteers would finish second only to the piano teacher in the “What Professions are Most Likely To Molest My Kids?” poll if one were ever taken.
SUNDAY SEPT. 25
Today the Bengals had a football game. They played The San Francisco 49ers. San Francisco won and felt sorry enough for Cincinnati and their long-suffering fans that they got a safety late in the game so the Bingles could finish with eight points instead of only six. This ended a bad week for Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson. In addition to the loss, he is now in trouble just because the law caught him at his house with multiple pounds of weed that was mailed from California and probably good enough to make you like The Grateful Dead. After the game, Simpson reportedly looked up at the nearly empty stadium seats and realized that if the 49ers would have drafted him instead of the Bengals he would be living in California and he could have gotten the weed directly from the source rather than relying on the notoriously risky practice of mailing it. At this point, the young wide receiver started thinking about the scene in American Beauty with the plastic bag blowing across the parking lot and then walked slowly back to the locker room.
MONDAY SEPT. 26
The Covington Fire Dept. began “brownouts” today, which means one of their most used fire engines will stay in its unstaffed station as a cost-cutting measure. City Manager Larry Klein expects the staffing reduction to save more than $600,000 this year. He also believes that “regardless of how many basic civil services we have to cut or how greatly this will threaten public safety, we really do need to form a committee to explore renaming this practice because ‘brownouts’ just sounds gross.”
TUESDAY SEPT. 27
Keli N. Jones of Dayton faces up to five years in prison if convicted of having a sexual relationship with an inmate while she worked at Warren Correctional Institute. The sentencing guidelines might appear severe in this case, but it is important to note that local politicians fear overcrowding issues will become untenable if the general public realizes you can enjoy free lodging, meals, cable television, workout equipment and no longer have to worry about not having sex while you’re locked up.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]