WEDNESDAY SEPT. 9
Anyone who has ever been caught by their parents stealing stuff from a store knows how much it sucks when they drag you back in there to apologize and give back the Skittles. U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) knows this type of embarrassment, only he doesn’t have a shiny wrapper and eye-level product placement to excuse his actions. Wilson spent most of today apologizing for yelling “You lie!” at the President of the United States inside the House of Representatives, which earned him the rare honor of being shamed by fellow Republicans even though he didn’t support a liberal cause or cheat on his wife. Wilson later released a statement saying he’s very sorry and will never do it again.
THURSDAY SEPT. 10
When a newspaper begins a story with the line “Jane Doe was pretty before June 14,” it’s logical to expect the next one to be “But now she is a fucking freak.” Cincinnati’s only favorite daily newspaper today showed once again that it has no balls, only a heart of gold for pretty young white girls who suffer traumatic experiences. The Enquirer’s latest installment of “Rock Throw ‘09” (it’s been a while; the last one was Aug. 15 when it used Google Earth to show the areas around Columbia-Tusculum where the rock might have been picked up), described a tearful testimony, a regretful teenager and a four-year sentence for a kid accidentally hurting a fellow human. Enquirer editors have already assigned Sharon Coolidge to the Rock Thrower beat starting in 2013 when the 20-year-old will be released and continue his rampage on society.
FRIDAY SEPT. 11
If your foreign language proficiency amounts to “Tengo miedo del gato grande,” then you probably went to a public school (and didn’t try very hard). The Mason School District has decided that it doesn’t want even its youngest kids sounding so dumb and today decided to expand foreign language classes to the eighth grade. The decision means that Mason, which was previously assumed to be the local community most likely to get pissed off by an operator asking them to push 1 for English, will have more than 21 percent of its middle school students studying a foreign language starting this fall. School officials have already assured parents that if kids use Spanish curse words in their regular classes that the teachers will know what they mean.
SATURDAY SEPT. 12
Working on Saturday is never cool, but for most of us it amounts to coming in late, eating some free donuts and Twittering about how little work we’re going to do. City Councilman Jeff Berding had to work today, but it was a short shift because after explaining to his fellow Democrats why he’s been such a dickbag recently the party voted 47-17 to unendorse him. The decision came after Berding crossed the mayor and city manager on several issues and resulted in former Democrat Roxanne Qualls taking his place on the ticket. Berding couldn’t be reached for comment because he left the meeting early to coach his son’s soccer game, but witnesses say on his way out of the parking lot he turned Lynyrd Skynyrd up super loud and yelled “Show me your tits!” to Qualls’ assistant.
SUNDAY SEPT. 13
When we at WWE! shop for liquor we usually focus our last $9 attention on the bottom shelf brands rather than the ones we see on TV (it’s due to the economy, not because we want to buy twice as much). But Kentucky whiskey producer Maker’s Mark believes so much in its image that it today sued a competitor for violating the trademark on its famous red wax seal, known for giving the brand its authentic “made in a Kentucky barn” feel. The defendant in the case, tequila company Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia (translation: “tequila will make your family happy”), has argued that its tequila is so great that people buy it despite the ugly wax seal and that Maker’s Mark is only worried because people who buy whiskey are usually so drunk they can’t read the label.
MONDAY SEPT. 14
Those of us who often allow our apartments to be the scene of unruly madness (True Blood marathons) know what it’s like to look somebody in the eyes and say, “You’re banned.” The Cincinnati Archdiocese is getting used to this interaction as well, as local pastor Rev. David Sunberg today banned a teacher for writing a letter to The Enquirer in support of women priests. Sunberg said Our Lady of Lourdes Church in Westwood is no place for penis-less priesthood: “We have an obligation to teach what Christ and His church teaches,” Sunberg said. “Christ didn’t like women much, that’s why he only hung out with dudes. He ain’t gay, though.”
TUESDAY SEPT. 15
Have you ever wondered who would win an arm-wrestling match between Hamilton County Coroner Dr. O’dell Owens and Commissioner David Pepper? Owens is older and a little fatter, but Pepper went to Yale, so as far as we can see it would be a pretty even match. These two got into it today during a 2010 budget meeting where, according to The Enquirer, Pepper straight up disrespected Owens regarding his budget and Owens said, “Hale naw, you state auditor runnin’ mofucker.” The exchange was reportedly instigated by and then broken up by Sheriff Simon Leis, who made them shake hands and then slapped Pepper on the back of the neck for not making eye contact.
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