Straight guy bored with girlfriend's lack of positions

Please excuse the lack of pussy farts and gay penguins in this e-mail, but it would be nice if you could help out a straight guy with a meat-and-potato problem every once in a while. My girlfriend

Mar 31, 2004 at 2:06 pm

Please excuse the lack of pussy farts and gay penguins in this e-mail, but it would be nice if you could help out a straight guy with a meat-and-potato problem every once in a while.

My girlfriend is the most complete mattress-back I have ever encountered. She refuses to adopt any position that doesn't involve her keeping an eye on the ceiling. Not only that, she declines any attempt at foreplay. At first I thought this was a shyness thing, but after talks with her friends (and later her) it was revealed that even after more than five decent-term partners (including a girl), she hasn't put her own hand to any form of genitalia (male/female/own) in her entire life.

She shows interest and potential willingness and is not repulsed by sex (or me); I'm certain there's no history of sex abuse. Yet all my attempts to add a bit of variety (like, oh, touching and stuff) are met with a stiff palm and a "sorry." It's getting harder to be aroused, frankly. Is she as interested in me as she claims or is this some sort of insecurity thing?

— Beloved Oral Recreation Eternally Denied

Help out a straight guy?

That's what I'm here for, BORED, and I've done more for you straight guys than all the homos on all the reality shows could do in a 100 years. I've done more for the average straight guy than any straight guy has ever done for me! (With the exception of you, Mike, who did stuff for me that most gay guys won't.) Who, BORED, is constantly telling straight women that (a) all men look at porn and (b) they're not allowed to have a problem with that? Me. Who is constantly telling straight women that men just aren't wired for monogamy and that any guy who cheats on them only once or twice in a LTR did a pretty good job of being faithful? Me. Who tells women that oral sex — giving and getting — is standard these days and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot? Me.

And who's going to tell you to dump the mattress-back and go find yourself a girl who isn't so deadly dull in bed? Me, that's who. (And you're welcome, you fucking ingrate!) This is a case of DTMFA — dump the motherfucker already — if ever I saw one. Your girlfriend might have shown interest and potential willingness, but she isn't going to get off her back and do anything about her lame sexual "technique," if it can be called that, until it starts costing her sex partners/boyfriends/husbands.

So dump her. She'll either realize she has to get off her back to get you back or she'll go find herself a guy with a passion for still, lifeless women — and those guys exist, and they're going to be writing me asking for your contact info, BORED, on the off chance you do dump your girlfriend.

I'm 42, she's 39. We've been dating for two months, and it's great. Great sex, lots of fun. Now she wants to move in together and have a kid. I know, her clock is ticking, but I have a couple of concerns. She belongs to a cultish religion that creeps me out — not enough to break up with her as a boyfriend, but I don't want to raise a family in it. Also, she's talked about getting a sperm donor so I wouldn't have to be responsible for it. That's not really the point — I'm not afraid of commitment or averse to the idea of having a family, but I do think we need another year or so to really get to know each other. I had a difficult childhood, and I'm somewhat offended by the idea of a biological imperative — a baby is not an entitlement, and her eagerness to have "a" kid strikes me as a bit narcissistic.

Or am I the one being narcissistic? Who the hell am I? I'm losing my hair, growing love handles, I have only a teacher's salary — not exactly a catch. Shouldn't I consider myself lucky that an attractive woman wants my child?

— Wanna Go Slow

Anyone who asks you to knock her up after two months (!) — or hold her hand while a doc shoves someone else's frozen sperm cubes up her twat — is a fucking nut case. For your sake, I hope you're using condoms with this woman because she sounds like a perfect candidate for "I got my birth control pills mixed up with my Flintstones chewable vitamins!"

It's great that you're not afraid of commitment — too many straight guys are, WGS, and on this issue I side with the ladies. A man's fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it's not the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight guys seem to think it is. (Of course, maybe straight guys wouldn't fear commitment so much, ladies, if it didn't mean never seeing anyone else naked ever again. Just saying.) But you should be terrified of committing to a woman who wants to make a baby with you after two months, to say nothing of seeing your kid raised in some crackpot religion — and that describes every last one of 'em, in my opinion. DTMFA.

Recently on a visit home I was using the computer and found out my father likes to look at porn, specifically at transsexuals and young (18+) girls. This deeply disturbed me, and I don't want to talk about it with him, to spare us both the embarrassment. My mom is a deeply Christian woman and would freak out if she found this on her computer, and my dad doesn't cover his tracks well. I know looking at chicks with dicks doesn't make my dad gay, but my mom wouldn't see it that way. Do I have an obligation to make an awkward confrontation for the sake of my family?

— Torn in Texas

Your obligation, TIT, is to handle this situation in a way that doesn't humiliate your father any more than necessary and avoids mortifying your mother entirely. Go to your dad and say, "Hey, I stumbled over some of those porn sites you were looking at, big guy. I like 18-year-old girls just as much as the next guy, but I don't think Mom would approve. Since we both don't want Mom to stumble over your stash of pretty young women, let me show you how to cover your tracks a bit better, OK?"

If you don't mention his chicks-with-dicks porn — and you shouldn't — and make a point of mentioning the naked young ladies, your dad will think you didn't find the tranny shit. Then show him how to hide/delete/erase like a pro. Then never, ever mention it again to him, to your mom, to anyone.

Not even halfway through the letter about the parakeet freak, I was convinced it was completely bogus, phony, completely falsified.

— Mike

I thought so too, Mike, until I looked into it and learned — from bird experts — that people can, do and will jerk off their birds. And ever since the letter appeared in my column, I've been buried in mail from people describing their own sexual relationships with birds or sexual relationships they've witnessed others having with birds. Here's a sampling.

About 10 years ago, my own grandparents housed a þock of cockatiels. One was particularly attached to my grandfather. It was male. It would regularly do this weird thing where it would sit on the end of his fnger, squat down and furiously wiggle its back end. Gramps claimed that it had an emotional complex, that it thought it was a dog and was just wagging its tail. But anyone who saw this act knew something very naughty was going on (except maybe my Gramps). Again, we're talking about kind, generous, devoutly religious grandparents. Could this be a trend?

— The Bobbing Is Really Doggie-Style

When I was young, my pet pigeon, Brownie, used to masturbate on my palm, depositing a small drop of yellowish sperm. I was prepubescent at the time and didn't realize at frst what he was doing, but I also lived on a farm in Iowa where I saw other animals doing things, so after a bit I fgured Brownie out. Every morning he would be waiting for me on his perch. I felt complimented by the bird, for, after all, I supposed he could have had his pick of the ladies of his own species. It's a quirky world.

— Mike

Just to add in a bit of biology to the grandma/parakeet forbidden-love story: Birds have a biologically set developmental window in which they fgure out what makes an appropriate mate. Basically, whatever species the bird is exposed to during this time period, he or she will forever see as mate material (the process is called sexual imprinting). In this case, the bird was probably raised by people and might not have had any exposure to other birds during this critical period. He's simply courting the only available mate around.

So your bird shop buddy was right in that giving Pretty Baby another bird probably wouldn't help, but not just because birds are picky (though they can be). Also, this isn't unusual at all (well, probably the indulgences given by the grandma are, but not unusual on the bird's side). A common problem with large birds in particular is that they court and pair-bond with a human (whether the human knows it or not) and jealously attack other humans (i.e., their owner's husband or boyfriend) who try to make it a threesome.

— Platonic Birdlover

When I was 12, I had a parakeet named Little Buddy. I learned that parakeets are attracted to mirrors and things that look like other birds. In my adult life, I now realize that they must be incredibly stupid animals if they don't recognize mirrored glass for what it is and not another parakeet, but that is neither here nor there. Whenever Little Buddy saw something he thought was another bird, he would peck at it, chirp and spit up seeds on it.

One day, my dad was barefoot while I had the bird out on the þoor. Little Buddy walked over to my dad's feet and started pecking at his big toenail. My dad has the gross, callused feet of a workingman, which in no way look anything like a small bird. Little Buddy started spitting up seeds and when he started humping away at my dad's big toe, I grabbed him and put him back in his cage. Anytime my dad's feet came into view of his cage, he would start chirping or he would bite if I put him away while my dad was barefoot. The moral here is that parakeets are sick, fucked-up animals and you should keep them away from the ones you love.

— Cassie S.

I had to write after reading the letter from Polly Wanna Wanker. My grandmother also had a rather erotic relationship with the family bird. Fortunately, she had no idea what she was doing. The relationship developed slowly. Grandma took over Mendle's feeding (yes Mendle) because I was, I admit, an irresponsible kid and never fed the poor bird.

One day, I happened to come into the living room when Grandma was feeding her. Mendle's tail was sticking straight up, her head feathers were pulled back, and she was making a strange purring sound. "Stop growling, Mendle," Grandma cooed at her, "I'm getting your food." Mendle followed her, tail in the air, "growling" intensely as Grandma moved around the room. Grandma never fgured out that our little bird was trying to have a trans-species lesbian relationship with her.

— Bird Love

I had a female friend a few years ago who had a bird that would hump her hand as well. My friend was young, attractive, married and a mother — very different from the lonely grandma in the letter you printed this week. I was going to housesit for her when she went out of town, so she was showing me where the bird food was, etc. She took the bird out of its cage and it perched on her hand, chirping away, but then began to hump her fnger. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on, but then she told me he does it all the time. He fnished, she washed her hands and that was that. I wasn't sure what to think about it, and then I just forgot about it until I saw this letter. Anyway, apparently there's more than one bird owner who lets herself be used as a love doll.

— Chris F.

The parakeet thing is real. My husband's (male) parakeet, which frst had a signifcant attraction to some patio furniture, would sit on my husband's shoulder and climb up on his head. There, the bird sometimes started humping, but my husband never let him proceed. We got rid of the bird a few months after I moved in; it started screeching nonstop, probably out of jealousy. He lives in a bird sanctuary now, hopefully with a birdfriend.

— Evil Stepmother

Hi! Someone sent me the URL to a letter that PWW wrote to you about her grandmother fnger-fucking her bird. I just wanted to say that my male bird used to sit on my fnger and do the same thing when I was a youngster. I didn't know what he was doing until my sister told me, and then I stopped letting him do it.

— Greenie

Hi Dan! Here's something I never thought I'd e-mail you about: Ten years ago I dated this guy, and we often spent time at his family home. They had a pet parakeet in their house. No one paid much attention to it, so I started whistling and talking to it any time I came over and, interestingly enough, it would always perk up and usually would sing when I stopped by its cage. We all found this to be quite amusing, so I started making a point of paying attention to the bird often. One day, they decided it would be fun to let the bird out of the cage. Once the door was opened, that bird þew straight to me and landed on my shoulder. I held out my hand and he hopped onto it, sang a little and then started trying to hump my hand! I totally freaked out (as did the rest of the family) and they managed to get the bird back into the cage after chasing it away from me. There were no more out-of-cage opportunities for it when I was around. Thanks for reviving the freakish memory of humping birds!

— Birds That Hump Are No Joke

Back when my wife and I were college roommates living in sin, we (she) had a cockatiel that really, really liked her. While there was no creepy bird-sex talk about "giving Grandma lovin'," she would let the bird relieve himself on her hand when he was in the mood. After a minute or so, she'd go wash the little wet spot off her hand. No big deal. And nothing sexual for her. At least I don't think so.

— Jim

My sister used to have a cockatiel. Sometimes we would let it walk around outside of the cage. I was watching TV, kicking back in my favorite recliner. Mickey, the cockatiel, ambled down to my foot, whistled a few times and started shufþing his tail feathers around my ankle. It felt kind of funny at frst but eventually I fgured things out: The damn thing was having sex with my foot. It wasn't too bad, though, because male birds don't have peckers, if you catch my drift.

I thought the whole thing was kind of funny, so more and more when Mickey was out of his cage I'd give him a little action. I made a game of it. I'd lie down and provoke him by wiggling my toes around and pointing my foot straight up. He'd scurry to the base of my foot and start whistling. He couldn't talk like grandma's love bird, but he'd sure whistle up a storm. Then I'd lay my foot down þat and he'd do his business, occasionally nipping on my toes with his beak. Finally, after climaxing, Mickey would run all the way across my prone body to hiss at my face. I guess he liked feet but not head.

— Bird Lover Too

I'm a 15-year-old heterosexual male cockatiel and I just had to write when I saw your response to Polly Wanna Wanker. Dude, that column was not ft to line my cage. What are you doing, discouraging bird owners from helping guys like me get off?! How would you like it if you had no hands and some smart-ass advice columnist told everyone that if they helped you get off they were sick fucks? What gives?!

If I understand you correctly, humans can pee on each other, fart in each other's faces, lick each other's asses and eat menstrual blood, and that's all cool. But a little basic relief for a loving and loyal feathered friend like me is out of the question. Thanks, man.

And I gotta ask, how can a guy like you, who's supposedly seen it all, not know that all male birds wank? At least all male birds of certain species, of which I am one. I don't know a male bird that doesn't beat off on its owner. I even know some female birds that do. Where have your experts been? Where have you been?

Lucky for me, my particular owner is demented enough to be thrilled to have earned your "sick fuck" designation and isn't deterred at all from continuing to help me out. She always thought she was far too vanilla to show up on your radar. Imagine our collective surprise! But what of all those bird owners who may be shamed out of action by your insensitive response?

Many of us domestic birds sacrifce the company of other birds in order to be the caring companions of our human owners. We eat meals with them, sit on their shoulders while they work, cuddle up to them when they're sick and love them no matter what. In exchange, our owners feed us, play with us and give us a nice home to live in. And if they really care about us, they help us get off because they know that, like any other dude, a bird's got needs.

Bird sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy just like human sexuality is, Dan. We're here, we like to hump humans, get used to it.

— Murdoch in Vancouver