Super Bowl Hot Takes

Eagles win! Peter Dinklage and Morgan Freeman lip synced for their lives; Justin Timberlake is boring

Feb 5, 2018 at 1:45 pm
click to enlarge Peter Dinklage in a fiery Doritos ad -
Peter Dinklage in a fiery Doritos ad

Eagles win! But more importantly, Patriots lose! Philly delivered an upset that many weren’t upset about when they beat New England 41-33. It was an exciting game from start to finish, complete with an underdog win and at least one play that resulted in a crotch to the face (shout out Brandin Cooks and Rodney McLeod) — but face it, we’re really here for the commercials and halftime show.

  • Viewers got sneak peeks at Solo: A Star Wars Story, Stephen King horror series Castle Rock, some Avengers movie with literally every Marvel character ever, Westworld and The Rock’s Die Hard rip-off, Skyscraper.
  • The red M&M became human by way of Danny Devito.
  • Peter Dinklage and Morgan Freeman lip synced for their lives to Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliott in a Doritos/Mountain Dew ad. Natch.
  • An awesome Australia tourism ad tricked us into thinking Kenny Powers was the next Crocodile Dundee (still hoping that’s true).
  • Hopper from Stranger Things tricked us into thinking every commercial was a Tide commercial.
  • And in an NFL ad, Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. nailed the Dirty Dancing routine COMPLETE WITH LIFT.

Then there was the halftime performance. I was pumped for Justin Timberlake to headline the show, even if there decidedly wasn’t going to be an *NSYNC reunion or Janet Jackson redemption storyline (Happy #JanetJacksonAppreciationDay). JT’s 15-minute performance took him from outside the stadium to various stages on the field and into the stands — and that tidbit is probably the most interesting thing about the whole damn show. It was boring as hell! Justin was really selling his whole Man of the Woods image with camo pants, a bandana and some Bob Ross art-looking shirt with mountains and deer on it. He gave us new material. He gave us “Cry Me a River.” He danced, played piano and performed with a huge marching band. There was a tribute to Prince (a Minnesota native; the game was played in Minneapolis). Now, before the Bowl there were rumors of a Prince hologram, which would have been a bad idea for many reasons — one of which being he once called holograms “demonic.” JT’s cover of Prince’s “I Would Die 4 U” did feature a projection of The Purple One’s 2007 Super Bowl performance. But no holograms. I digress.

The star of the halftime show was Selfie Boy, some kid on his phone (Seriously, everyone was on their phone. Some people had two phones. I get snapping a pic if Justin Timberlake ran up to your section, but recording the whole thing?! /rant) who ended up sharing an awkward moment in order to get an epic Super Bowl selfie with a singer he may or may not even recognize.

And that was it. No surprise guests, special effects or aerial choreography. To top it off, one of his handful of songs was “Rock Your Body” — THE song that he was performing when he exposed Janet’s nip at the Bowl 14 years ago. Not cool, JT.

The epic second half of the game distracted audiences from that questionable performance, and when the Eagles secured their win, Philly descended into utter chaos. Fans took to the streets flipping cars, climbing and knocking down lamp poles and traffic lights and starting fires. Hell, their crazy asses are probably still cheering in the streets by the time this gets published! After all, it was Philly’s first Super Bowl win ever. In a more pleasant form of celebration, Dunkin’ Donuts and Bud Light both got in on the fun, offering free coffee (in the Philadelphia area) and free beer (along the Super Bowl parade route) to fans of all kinds.

It all made for an exciting night that left many of us calling into work on Monday. And in conclusion, fuck Tom Brady.