Take My Dogs, Please!

Helping Barack Obama and his kids choose the best pet for the White House

Nov 12, 2008 at 2:06 pm

This past week has left me feeling pretty politically apathetic. I mean, I like Barack Obama and all — why doesn’t Spell Check know his name yet? — but voting for him instead of writing in Hillary Clinton wasn’t enough to really connect me with this whole “change” movement.

I didn’t spread his message door-to-door in Republican neighborhoods or make informational cold calls. I didn’t even buy one of the trendy graphic T-shirts.

Still, I know that change starts with me, and so I’ve been wracking my brain trying since Election Day to figure out how to become a better American. Then I thought of a quote Obama said to his daughters during his victory speech: “You have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House.”

That’s it! If there’s one thing I have a lot of, it’s dogs.

I know the press is all caught up with whether it looks better for Obama to get a purebreed or a shelter dog, but I have a better idea: Take one of mine.

I want to give something to the Obamas and to my country. Look at these gems. Who wouldn’t want one of my dogs? Seriously.


Breed: Border Collie
Age: 7-ish
Sex: Male
Weight: Fluctuates between 55 and 65 pounds depending on how under control his Cushings Disease is.
Likes: Enjoys chasing human shadows, licking the kitchen floor and pooping in a circle (inside or outside).
Pet Peeves: Doesn’t like stuffed animals to have their heads or their eyeballs. Also doesn’t care for most humans, cars or loud noises and hates to sleep on furniture. It makes him hot.
Favorite Food: Other dogs’ poop or ice cubes
Best Tricks: Catching a Frisbee with his paws
Favorite Quote: “Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can doo-doo for your country.”


Breed: Chihuahua
Age: 4
Sex: Female
Weight: 5 pounds
Likes: Men, sticking her butt in other dogs’ faces, being zipped up in sweatshirts, wearing sweaters, being zipped up in bags, facial hair, showers, cuddling, sleeping in between people, sleeping on people, burrowing in and under covers/clothing/piles, Pete, shivering, crying, growing her nails, being paper trained.
Pet Peeves: Plastic bags, bottle caps, vacuums, brooms, when people fold clothing by her, being alone, going for walks.
Favorite Food: Anything but white rice
Best Trick: Jumping up on the kitchen counter to eat things. Shakes a lot.
Favorite Quote: “Life, liberty and the pursuit of fire hydrants.”


Breed: Some kind of German Shepherd/mutt
Age: Unknown. He jumped off the back of a truck.
Sex: Male
Weight: 40 pounds
Likes: Leaning on people, slowly licking people, staring at people, making people pet him against their will, barking at people if they don’t pet him, being brushed by people, putting all of his stuffed animals in a pile.
Pet Peeves: Other dogs, not being petted, not being the center of attention, being kicked off of laps or furniture.
Favorite Food: Cheese, the salt on human skin
Best Tricks: None. He listens to no one. He will sit or shake if and only if he knows you will be giving him something in return.
Favorite Quote: “I did not have sexual relations with that poodle.”