Warning for Winter

The solstice has finally arrived to break our spirits with its presence. When the cold comes, its seems as though the whole core of my being shuts down. I can tell that my mind is slowing due to my lengthy Sudoku times. —-

The frigid temperatures keep me from wanting to venture outside to get some lung-freezing fresh air. The high cost of heating makes me keep the thermostat in the high 50s. The 120-year-old house where I hibernate holds in cold air like a fridge, which makes it almost impossible to get out of bed. Even though we get this Arctic air blasting our city non-stop every winter, we don't ever get the good end of the deal. It's all grey and depressing, which doesn't mix so well with a failing economy. So when I hear those hail nuggets of doom slapping my window, I turn my head and say, “FUCK YOU WINTER IN CINCINNATI!”

Where is the snow?! Where is the sledding?! Where is the white winter we've been promised so many times before?! There are no big piles of fluffy white to play in, there are no ginormous mountains to extreme ski flip off of and there are no glorious winter wonderland sights. Even if it does begin to snow, the next day it's back up to 60 degrees and then back down to 14 degrees at night. Then the snow melts just enough to become killer ice the next day. The deadly ice then goes on a rampage, ripping down power lines and causing trees to fall onto people's Chevy trucks (which I guess wouldn't be that bad because they could send the insurance money to help with the bail out). Then black ice forms on the highway, which is not a good ingredient to add into the mix of problems Cincinnati has with highways. Cincinnati drivers are ready to freak out at the sight of a microscopic sprinkle on a spring day. Having ice on the streets turns them into a madhouse, freak out zone of accidents.

It's a good thing I can't get out of bed due to my depression, lack of heat and joblessness cause if I did, I would probably step outside, get punched by Santa and then get smashed up on the highway by some freakazoid ice spazz who has insurance with Safe Auto. So I say to you, half-ass Cincinnati winter, I know where you come from and I'm not scared to use as many '80s hair spray products as it takes to put you in your place. Global warming!


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