WEDNESDAY APRIL 12
R.I.P. Margaritaville. The Jimmy Buffett-approved joint in JACK Casino announced it is closing this week. It was one of the O.G. restaurants in what was Horseshoe Casino when it opened in 2013. If you really need one last round of frozen sugar bombs, volcano nachos and Tommy Bahama shirts, Marg-ville will stay open through April 23. Locals’ love of Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band (Sidebar: Are any JB songs about weed?) is well documented, from crowded sell-out concerts every year to the amount of hate mail CityBeat receives upon the publishing of any Buffett critique. But with this closing arises the question: Is Cincinnati’s adoration for Buffet waning? Come at me, parrotheads. Meet you in the Riverbend parking lot on July 8.
THURSDAY APRIL 13
Kings Island invited all local media (ahem, most local media) to ride the new Mystic Timbers rollercoaster. This “story-drawn experience” takes riders on a trip back to 1983, when lumber workers fled the woods where the coaster now stands. Voices warn passengers not to go in the shed, which is precisely where the ride ends. Reporters seemed to have a fun time on the ride, but none spoiled the mysterious ending, leaving us like a distraught Brad Pitt in Se7en: “What’s in the shed?!”
FRIDAY APRIL 14
This week in reboots: Mystery Science Theater 3000 made its Netflix comeback, after running from 1988-1999; everyone’s favorite ’90s pocket pet — sorry Giga Pet — Tamagotchis are being re-released in Japan (Food for thought: Were Tamagotchi turds the original poop emoji?); TLC minus the L (miss you, Left Eye) returned this week with the group’s first album in 15 years; a Coming to America sequel is in the works with the original writers; gross-out reality competition Fear Factor is coming to MTV with host Ludacris; and Jane the Virgin’s Gina Rodriguez will voice Carmen Sandiego in an upcoming Netflix reboot. It’s never been a better time to wake up after a 20-year coma.
SATURDAY APRIL 15
April the giraffe finally gave birth at the Animal Adventure Park in New York. People from across the world have been tuning into the park’s giraffe cam since February to see the mom-to-be pop, and she’s left us hanging for weeks! Do vets not know the gestation period for giraffes? Actually yes: 13-15 months, which explains the wait. Now the park is inviting all the peeping toms who’ve been stalking poor April to name her baby — but there’s a catch. It costs $1 per vote with a five vote minimum! Good for April and all, but we’re over this mess. April was clearly trying to usurp the cute-zoo-animal throne from Fiona the hippo. Now that her baby’s here and the giraffe cam has been cut off, Fiona can claim her rightful title.
SUNDAY APRIL 16
Coachella kicked off this weekend, which means a few things: 1. Kendrick Lamar, Lady Gaga (who filled in for a v. pregs Beyoncé), Lorde and …Hans Zimmer? all performed in the same vicinity. 2. Celebrities mingled alongside plebs in the dusty desert valley. 3. Thousands of girls flaunted their best culturally appropriated “festival wear,” which is apparently a category of clothing now. So what do you do if you’re a huge star at a public music festival who doesn’t want to get mobbed by fans but still wants to rock a show-stopping ensemble? If you’re Rihanna, you sport a head-to-toe face-covering bejeweled Gucci bodysuit — like a haute couture green man suit. Rihanna wins Coachella/life.
MONDAY APRIL 17
All month folks were wondering: Would there be a White House Easter Egg Roll this year? Little planning appeared to be done up to the 11th hour, but Melania and friends were able to pull off the 139th-annual event. And while an egg roll that doesn’t involve Chinese food may seem like a stupid photo op, it’s one of the highest profile and most scrutinized public events at the White House each year. For the 37th year, Jonn Schenz of the local Schenz Theatrical Supply provided bunny costumes for the event. An old photo of Schenz helping now-press secretary Sean Spicer into a bunny suit resurfaced this year, to the public’s delight. Spicey did not give an encore performance as the Easter Bunny (though he did pose with Schenz and whatever poor soul was stuck inside the bunny suit this year), instead opting to hang in the children’s reading nook, which is possibly more frightening. Donald, Melania and Barron Trump, plus one of Schenz’s bunnies (Papa), greeted guests from the White House balcony around 10:30 a.m. “We will be stronger and bigger and better as a nation than ever before,” Trump said (better at egg rolling, bombing or ?), then mentioned how the egg-rolling children were “highly competitive.” Cool. Highlights included when Melania had to remind her man to put his hand on his heart during the National Anthem and when Trump was walking among the crowd, saw a boy who wanted his MAGA hat signed (SAD), signed it and… tossed it into the crowd.
TUESDAY APRIL 18
The oldest living person and last known human born in the 1800s passed away this week. Italian woman Emma Morano made it to 117 years old. Jesus. We act like 2016 was a rough time to get through. This chick trudged through two husbands, the death of her only infant son, two world wars, various civil rights movements, the invention of cars, airplanes, space travel, radio, TV, computers, the internet, Post-it notes, paper towels, microwaves, antibiotics, Beanie Babies, the Kardashians and everything mentioned in this column. (History 101 for you.) The woman probably needed an eternal rest after all that shit. Pour one out for Ms. Morano!
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]