WEDNESDAY, AUG. 17
It was the end of a bunny-eared era this week as Playboy tycoon Hugh Hefner sold his famed mansion to a neighbor for $100 million. Hefner, now at the ripe age of 90, will remain in the home indefinitely. Buyer Daren Metropoulos, who is in fact a real 33-year-old man and not a fictional ’80s newscaster who moonlights in gay porn as his name might suggest, thinks he’ll likely have to deal with the aging tenant for another decade tops. But you know Hef’s crazy ass probably plans to be cryogenically frozen after his death, and once science catches up it will only be a matter of time before he and Walt Disney are chasing bunnies once again in thawed-out hologram form. And while 100 million bones initially might seem like a small price to pay for the (in)famous property, you must consider the cleaning fees necessary to restore the mansion to liveable levels of human hygiene. We’re talking about lots and lots of mops.
THURSDAY, AUG. 18
After a really bad summer for amusement park public relations departments, Kings Island pulled out all the stops for a good old-fashioned media blitz. The park announced in July that a new wooden roller coaster would open next spring. Currently being constructed, Mystic Timbers was introduced via animated videos depicting 3,265 feet of twists, turns and drops before the coaster train slows and approaches a barn-like structure. Presumably this is where riders get on and off, but KI is determined to build suspense, asking viewers to speculate #WhatsInTheShed? So when another announcement came from the park this week, local media were prepared to get an answer to that burning question. Only they didn’t. Instead, the park revealed that Winterfest is coming back next November, so you’re going to have to wait until 2017 to be cold on The Beast and find out what’s in the shed. Could it be the secret origins of KI’s blue soft-serve, Gwyneth Paltrow’s head (does anyone else read that question in Brad Pitt’s voice: “What’s in the she-eeed?”) or an animatronic tribute to Harambe? Probs not, but the fallen gorilla immortalized by the internet is gaining clout in the election. Harambe is effectively tied in Texas with Green Party candidate Jill Stein, according to a poll. Make America Ape Again!
FRIDAY, AUG. 19
Perfect segue alert! Naked Donald Trump sculptures commissioned by anonymous street artist collective Indecline popped up in public spaces across the U.S. this week. Titled “The Emperor Has No Balls,” the statues incited much negative feedback: from innocents who, after seeing the “artwork,” can never eat or even look at a Cheeto the same way ever again to progressives who believe making fun of The Donald’s appearance is a low blow that does nothing more than spread the hateful rhetoric he seems to represent. But it was the New York City Parks Department who truly had the last laugh after promptly removing the crude sight from Union Square. “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small,” said spokesman Sam Biederman, whom one must imagine as a real-life male version of Leslie Knope. It is currently unclear just how hard Biederman dropped the mic after making the statement.
SATURDAY, AUG. 20
Grab a kiddie pool, dig that chicken bucket out of the trash and empty out grandma’s urn! 7-Eleven’s “Bring Your Own Cup” Slurpee celebration took place last weekend. For the second time this year alone, patrons were invited to supply their own containers to fill with the frozen treat — which just turned 50, or “fiftee,” god help us — for just $1.50. And because people truly are monsters and have in the past brought in “cups” like empty sandboxes and toilet bowls, there are new rules in effect. Because the containers must be leak-proof, food-safe and fit upright into a 10-inch-diameter store display, the event saw more respectable receptacles like fish bowls, hollowed-out fruit, coffee pots, empty liquor bottles (Pro Tip: Leave a healthy couple of ounces in there for a delicious margarita/bourbon slush/pina colada) and milk jugs (Pro Tip: Clean that shit out completely). The closest 7-Eleven to Cincy is in West Virginia, but we’re just fine with our AmeriStops and ICEES, thanks.
SUNDAY, AUG. 21
The Rio Olympics finally came to an end with the closing ceremony Sunday. Team USA dominated the games, scoring 121 total metals including 46 golds, and we were represented in the closing event by flag bearer and tiny she-hulk Simone Biles. Who run the Olympics? Girls. Who ruined the Olympics? Lochte. While the U.S. had a great showing at the Olympics, unfortunately some of that was overshadowed by a heavy helping of our team’s collective white male privilege. Because in the land of the free and home of the brave, we train hard, win graciously and cover up drunken bathroom vandalism by fabricating stories about the crime-plagued country hosting us. See ya in 2020, Tokyo!
MONDAY, AUG. 22
Gawker.com’s final day of operation was Monday, shutting down after operating for 13 years, losing the Hulk Hogan sex tape lawsuit, filing for bankruptcy in June, being auctioned off last week and acquired by Univision Communications. Thankfully, former Gawker Media sites like Deadspin, Gizmodo and Jezebel are still live under the Univision brand, and The Daily Beast is still around for all your outing-gay-public-figures news.
TUESDAY AUG. 23
McDonald’s introduced fitness trackers in Happy Meals, which doesn’t even deserve a joke because it is such low-hanging fruit (cue Ronald McDonald: “What is ‘fruit?’ ”). But in the time it took the average kid to walk off the calories in a four-piece McNugget, Mickey D’s pulled the glorified pedometers from stores. Apparently the wristbands irritated some children, not just due to the cringe-worthy irony, but actual skin rashes. What happened to the simple days of gendered toys and brawl-inducing Teenie Beanies in our Happy Meals?
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