What a Week! Aug. 30-Sept. 5

Adidas is getting ready for Oktoberfest by releasing a booze- and barf-resistant sneaker; Wahlburgers is coming soon to downtown; brace yourself for an all-women "Lord of the Flies."

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click to enlarge Adidas has your back. - Photo: Provided
Photo: Provided
Adidas has your back.

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 30

Mark Wahlberg was in town last week to scope a new location of his family’s restaurant chain, Wahlburgers, coming soon downtown. Brothers Mark (the funky one) Donnie (New Kids one) and Paul (the chef one) opened their first restaurant in 2011 outside of Boston. Not only are the Wahlbergs in the music and burger biz, but they also have a reality TV show about the venture, also called Wahlburgers. Cincy saw another musical family go into the service industry when Nick and Drew Lachey opened Lachey’s Bar in 2015, which was documented on Lachey’s: Raising the Bar. The creativity is endless! (But on the real, the tots are delish.) Will these musically minded family restaurants stand the test of time? Just don’t ask Bootsy Collins (Bootsy’s) or Toby Keith (I Love This Bar and Grill). We’re still holding out for Ludacris’ Chicken + Beer or Susan Sarandon’s SPiN Ping-Pong lounge.

THURSDAY, AUG. 31

Brace yourself: An all-women Lord of the Flies film is coming. But don’t worry, meninists, it will be written and directed by two dudes, Scott McGehee and David Siegel. It can be great to get a women-led reboot of a classic. The new Ghostbusters is a great example, and we’re not ashamed to admit our excitement about the upcoming lady-centric Ocean’s Eight. But a story that explores dangerous views on masculinity and violent machismo leading to the downfall of men, recast for women, from the minds of men? Perhaps a bit tone-deaf. Besides, WE * ALREADY * HAVE * THE * REAL * HOUSEWIVES.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 01

Wanna feel old? It’s been 20 years since Will Smith’s “Welcome to Miami,” the premiere of Ally McBeal, Venus Williams’ U.S. Open debut, and, sadly, Princess Diana’s untimely death — in case you didn’t know by the 500 exploitative news specials about it. Has anyone else noticed the onslaught of rehashed ’90s and early-aughts crimes and tragedies? Last year it was all about O.J. Simpson and JonBenét Ramsey. This year we’ve got series and specials about Natalee Holloway, Chandra Levy, Scott and Laci Peterson, the Menendez brothers, Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. — and that’s just in recent or coming months. Y’all, we got a nostalgia problem when we’re rehashing murders and disappearances like funny retro fashion trends.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 02

Basic bitches and celebrities who want to party outside their natural habitat are turning once-low-key festivals into a security-ridden glamping shit show. Burning Man was probably the final frontier in that respect, but nevermore. What used to be a temporary town erected in the Nevada desert for radical hippies celebrating counterculture is now basically a slightly dustier version of Coachella and ultimate photo op for rich people (#DoItForTheGram). From 1986-1996, tickets went from no cost to a reasonable 35 bucks. Now, they start at $400, not including a luxury suite, all-terrain Segway and raver Mad Max ensemble. Paris Hilton, Diplo and a bevvy of runway models were in attendance this weekend. In non-celeb news, one attendee jumped into the flames of the giant wooden effigy. At least legit Burners are still doing drugs?

SUNDAY, SEPT. 03

Oktoberfest — in both Munich and here in Zinzinnati — kicks off later this month. Here, at the largest celebration outside of Germany, this festival means many things: the start of fall, the celebration of German culture and heritage, the running of the wieners and, above all else, beer. Pair the amount of walking with beer by the steinful and a bit too much schnitzel, and by the end of the night your stomach might be in bad shape — along with your kicks. More to the point: You might get beer or barf on your shoes. Thankfully, Adidas has created a new booze- and vomit-resistant sneaker. The Adidas München Oktoberfests feature a DPBR (“durable puke and beer repellant”) coated leather and lederhosen-y embroidery, are emblazoned with a golden “Prost,” the German equivalent of “cheers,” and even come with their own stein. Unfortunately for us, they’re only available in the fatherland. Now if they can just make them resistant to baby stroller scuffs, we’ll have the official shoe of the Cincinnati festivalgoer.

MONDAY, SEPT. 04

Monday was Labor Day, ender of summer, last of its name (shouldn’t everything have a Game of Thrones-style title? No?). WEBN Day is the final work holiday until Thanksgiving and last chance to wear white for probably some sexually repressed reason. Let the Seasonal Affective Disorder begin! But Sept. 4’s true holiday is Beyoncé’s birthday. Jay-Z led the crowd at the Made in America music festival in singing “Happy Birthday,” while some of the coolest women on the planet showed Bey their love by recreating her “Formation” look, from Michelle Obama to Serena Williams (who just birthed a baby girl on Sept. 1. Even her babies are No. 1!). Oh, and speaking of labor, the Duchess of Cambridge will soon be preparing for it (sorry). Britain’s royal family is about to expand, with Will and Kate expecting their third child.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 05

This week in questionable decisions: Cleveland cops refused to hold the flag at Browns games because of all the players who kneel in protest during the national anthem; possible Senate candidate Kid Rock responded to accusations of a campaign finance violation with “go fuck yourselves”; and movie promoters in Australia are tying red balloons to sewer grates to hype the horror remake It, as if we didn’t just recover from the killer clown scare of 2016.


CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]

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