WEDNESDAY, AUG. 09
These days, there’s a cruise experience for everyone. Fans can sail away with New Kids on the Block, the Dancing with the Stars cast or Star Wars characters. And lest we forget about the Rob Gronkowski cruise of 2016, Gronk’s Party Ship. Now, finally, adventurers can embark on a Mike Huckabee Bible cruise! Set sail to Israel for The Greatest Trip — that’s what they’re actually calling it — and prepare to swim in the Dead Sea, get baptised in the Jordan River and follow the path that Jesus walked (Kanye West songs prohibited). And for a cool six grand, “you’ll hear from top Israeli officials about the strategic place Israel holds today and why America is such a valuable ally to her,” the website reads, in a not-at-all-creepy way.
THURSDAY, AUG. 10
This has been the Summer of Celine. Canadian diva Céline Dion kicked off her European tour earlier this summer, setting up a home base in Paris. Since then, she’s treated the fashion capitol of the world like her own runway, serving edgy, dramatic lewks, posing for the gods and generally just living her best life. Thigh-high suede boots instead of pants? Check. Leather overalls? Check. Marie Antoinette couture? Check. Well, much like summer itself, all good things have to come to an end and Dion departed this week, which means our vicarious vacation is also over. :( But she left in epic fashion, receiving a sparkly send-off outside her hotel! Silver confetti rained from the heavens in her honor and we can’t even get a text back.
FRIDAY, AUG. 11
Before there was Game of Thrones, HBO’s Sunday night stunner featured a fairy waitress in love with a 110-year-old Civil War-era vampire at a time when synthetic blood has allowed for vamps to “come out of the coffin,” so to speak. Yes, True Blood was a hot mess, but it was our hot mess. Although the show premiered almost a decade ago, some people are just now learning the good word of all things Lafayette and Fangtasia, as evidenced by the show’s recent newscast photobomb (videobomb?). As an anchor on BBC’s News at Ten reported on England winning a cricket series — how British! — one of the newsroom monitors showed a woman taking her top and bra off. News at Ten? More like Nudes at Ten! (Sorry.) If there’s one thing to know about True Blood, it’s that the show was essentially soft-core mythical creature porn. And if there’s a second thing to know about True Blood, it’s that its fans are as thirsty as a parched vampire and they were quick to point out that those boobs belonged to none other than Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin — who found the whole ordeal hilarious). Now that’s some real investigative journalism.
SATURDAY, AUG. 12
The youngest spawn in the Kardashian koterie, Kylie Jenner, allegedly turned 20 years old this week. And she doesn’t look a day over 40! Ha ha, you’ve heard it all before — the barely adult appears to have underwent a number of plastic surgeries over recent years, dramatically changing her appearance from head to toe (or eyelid to buttcheek). Meanwhile, the reality star has merely klaimed to attain a Magic Eye level of makeup optical illusion sorcery. The only procedure she’ll kop to is getting temporary lip fillers. And according to Kylie’s kosmetic dermatologist, the girl is doing God’s work. Occasional Kardashian/Jenner lip plumper Dr. Simon Ourian credits Kylie with empowering other young brave souls to buy new faces, citing an increase in younger women deciding to “enhance” themselves. Feminist of the year! If Kylie kould move her face, she’d just roll her eyes because the joke’s on us. Her makeup empire Kylie Cosmetics (missed K opportunity) has raked in serious kash: $420 million in the last 18 months, and it’s projected to become a billion-dollar brand. Kongratulations, Kylie.
SUNDAY, AUG. 13
2017 has taken away a lot from us: underrated drama The Leftovers, O.G. Batman Adam West, #couplesgoals Anna Faris and Chris Pratt… But sometimes goodbyes are necessary, and with a patent left in limbo, we may soon see the end of the foam clog fuckery that is Crocs. The shoe brand has been pursuing a lawsuit against knock-off clog company USA Dawgs for years, and now the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office rejected Crocs’ argument. This could mark the end of their patent, coming at a time when 160 Crocs stores are shutting down across the country. Honestly, the idea of companies ripping off this hideous design is inconceivable. If you’re going to give up on your feet/life by wearing fluorescent foam slides, at least spring for the name brand. R.I.P. (rest in plastic) Crocs: Because dorm shower shoes have no place in everyday life.
MONDAY, AUG. 14
A pop-up restaurant devoted to Cheetos is coming to New York City this week. Celebrity chef Anne Burrell (who you might know from Food Network and/or her silver Jimmy Neutron hair) created the menu highlighting the orange-dusted snack, including Purrfectly Fried Green Tomatoes, Flamin’ Hot Limón Chicken Tacos and Cheetos Sweetos Crusted Cheesecake. Someone please make sure Britney Spears gets a table at this gem. The Spotted Cheetah will only be open for three days, which just happen to coincide with the dangerously cheesy Donald Trump’s return to his New York home. Coincidence?
TUESDAY, AUG. 15
This week in questionable decisions: A Japanese company created a $157 “Rolls Royce of fidget spinners”; the popular FaceApp introduces “Asian, black, Caucasian and Indian” filters; one man tweets the joke “hold my avocado” and TIME dubs it the “Viral Catchphrase Millennials Have Been Looking For”; Taco Bell is testing a red tortilla-wrapped Firecracker Burrito served with “poppoing crystals,” aka sweet-n-spicy Pop Rocks; a Missouri high school removed students’ yearbook quotes for being too gay; VICE is getting in the travel market with Punk Rock vacation packages; and Willa Ford blamed 9/11 for her failed Pop star career.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]