We here at “What a Week!” have debated the idea of selecting a Trump tweet of the week or even a rundown of the top social media posts by our eloquent commander-in-chief. The task has proven too laborious. But this week, one rose to the top — less like cream and more like slime floating on a swamp — when Trump tweeted, “Big increase in traffic into our country from certain areas, while our people are far more vulnerable, as we wait for what should be EASY D!” Clearly he probably ran out of characters before he could spell out “easy decision,” but we’ve come up with some alternative definitions for EASY D!:
• Long lost NWA member
• Long lost It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia character
• Off-brand vitamin D supplement
• Failed spinoff product of Easy Mac
• Trump’s letter-grade average in school
• D-list porn parody of Emma Stone’s Easy A
THURSDAY, FEB. 09
Grey Gardens is for sale! Once the decayed, dilapidated home of Jacqueline Kennedy’s kooky relatives Edie Bouvier Beale and Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale, as immortalized by the 1975 documentary Grey Gardens, the Long Island estate is now on the market. Last sold in 1979 for $220,000, the 6,000-square-foot property is going to cost around $20 million — apparently it’s been renovated since its days as a gothic rodent sanctuary. Come to think of it, was Grey Gardens a precursor to Hoarders?
FRIDAY, FEB. 10
One of the first memes of 2017 came courtesy of Dr. Phil in the form of Danielle “Cash me ousside, howbow dah” Brigoli. She first appeared in a September episode, aptly titled “I Want to Give Up My Car-Stealing, Knife-Wielding, Twerking 13-Year-Old Daughter Who Tried to Frame Me for a Crime,” in which the teen threatened to fight the entire audience in the studio lot. From her catch phrase to her faux accent and love of crime, Brigoli was destined for viral fame. Well, after attending a residential treatment program for kids, Brigoli made her way back to the show Friday to talk about her experience and let Dr. Phil know, “I made you, just like Oprah made you.” Illusions of grandeur, yes, but is she wrong? On the flight back from taping the episode, she was kicked off a plane for fighting a passenger. And in this, her 14th minute of fame, she boasts a music video, merch and a paparazzi following — how bout dah? Follow your dreams!
SATURDAY, FEB. 11
A bunch of high-strung bitches filled an arena for a day of competition, awards and performances. No, not the Grammy Awards — the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! The 141st-annual event kicked off Saturday. Best in Show jokes abound.
SUNDAY, FEB. 12
Today was the Grammys. Adele opened the show with what we hope for her sake was the last time she’ll have to sing “Hello” for at least a couple years. Host James Corden tumbled onstage into a rap about the night’s performers and nominees — and it wouldn’t be a gathering of humans without a commentary on immigration/the Muslim ban/the wall/the overall current state of the country. Columbus, Ohio’s Twenty One Pilots won Best Pop Duo/Group Performance and the twosome accepted the award in their underwear. Beyoncé emerged with her first live performance since she announced she was carrying two mini Jay Zs in her. But Blue Ivy was not to be outdone by a couple of undercooked babies and won the night with her pink Prince-esque Gucci suit, her adorable reactions to Mama B’s performance and crashing Corden’s carpool karaoke skit. Bey walked away with two Grammys, bringing her grand total up to a whopping 22. But it was Adele who took the crown when it comes to awards, clinching the trifecta of Album, Song and Record of the year — for the second time, the only artist to accomplish the feat twice — along with Best Pop Vocal Album and Best Pop Solo Album. But lest we forget Adele is basically just like all of us, she expressed her love for Bey as she accepted Album of the Year, saying, “I adore you and want you to be my mommy.” She then pulled a Cady Heron and broke the award in half, offering to share it with Queen B. In another #relatable moment, Adele began her tribute to late singer George Michael off-key, cursed, stopped the music and asked to begin again. Elsewhere, Rihanna kept it real as always, sipping from a bejeweled flask throughout the night. Also, CeeLo Green is now a gold robot.
MONDAY, FEB. 13
The Carter twins might have made their in-utero performance debut at the Grammys and have already been portrayed on Saturday Night Live (shout out to Kenan Thompson and surprise guest Tracy Morgan), but they’re not the only twins coming into a super rich, super famous household this summer. George “I’m never getting married or having kids” Clooney and wife Amal are expecting twins in June. And it seems like Jay and Bey will also be welcoming their babes around that time. Do they know the Clooneys — maybe they belong to the same Illuminati chapter? Because these sets of twins could be perfect pals. We hear the Carters are in the market for some new playmates (cut to a sullen North and Saint West).
TUESDAY, FEB. 14
This Valentine’s Day, White Castle once again opened its reservation books to lovebirds, offering table service at various locations in Cincinnati and beyond. Because nothing says romance like forcing a fast food cashier to work outside of her job description, only to be stiffed by a couple of 20-somethings eating chicken rings ironically.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]