What a Week!: Jan. 3-9

Bomb cyclone, crossushi, makeshift 24-hour ape network, Bills fans go to Florida and the Golden Globes go black

Jan 9, 2018 at 1:05 pm
Long live the Gorilla Channel. - Photo: Pierre Fidenci
Photo: Pierre Fidenci
Long live the Gorilla Channel.

I’m. Cold.

Move over polar vortex — “bomb cyclone” is the new scary storm du jour. Basically it means everyone was cold AF last week. Winter Storm Grayson — which sounds like it was named after the toddler son of a Real Housewives star — brought snow, ice and frigid temps across the East Coast and Midwest. It was so cold that it snowed in Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. So cold, iguanas were falling from trees (supposedly they’re OK though?), sharks were washing up on beaches frozen solid and penguins headed indoors at zoos. New Year’s Eve in Times Square registered at 9 degrees, making in the coldest NYE since 1917. ONE HUNDRED YEARS. I’d say, “thanks, climate change,” but some might think that’s a joke. After all, our dumb president tweeted about the chilly holiday, stating, “Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!” Go suck an icicle, Donnie.

First Food Fad of 2018

And while we’re on the topic of new terminology, let’s throw out a new foodie trend: cronuts are out, and crossushi is in. (And by “trend,” I mean “something one restaurant is doing that the internet won’t shut up about”). Mr. Holmes Bakehouse, which has locations in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seoul, South Korea, has a California Croissant on the menu, which is a flaky pastry wrapped around a salmon sushi roll. What’s next, croissmoothies? Croissteak? Croissoup? OK, my fat ass thinks a flaky bread bowl actually sounds delicious…

Fire and Fury and Gorillas

Journalist Michael Wolff’s Trump tell-all Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House hit the shelves last week and, shockingly, it doesn’t paint the most flattering image of our commander in chief and his ragtag crew of white supremacists and imbeciles. The book features wild descriptions of Trump’s behavior in the White House and his interactions with staffers and some inflammatory comments from none other than personified bullfrog Steve Bannon. On Twitter, @pixelatedboat crafted a fake excerpt from the book about Trump insisting that there is a “gorilla channel” on TV and aides pulling together gorilla footage to create a makeshift 24-hour ape network. And people believed him. Some took the parody as being a literal quote from the book while others called “fake news” and scorned the jokester for tricking people with his made-up lies about the president. Only in 2018 America would a significant amount of people believe, if for but a moment, the Trump Gorilla Channel Tale. We all lose!

Bills Fans Go HAM

Thousands of Buffalo Bills fans migrated south to Florida to watch their team take on the Jacksonville Jaguars Sunday. The low of 36 degrees in Jacksonville is downright balmy for upstate New Yorkers, not to mention Bills fans have waited 17 years for the team to make it to the playoffs, so they showed up in droves, and they arrived early. Lots around EverBank Field had to open hours early to accommodate long lines of visitors. Footage from the tailgate showed a sea of red, white and Zubaz. And apparently body-slamming folding tables is the official passtime in Buffalo, because they were smashing tables left and right outside the stadium. Unfortunately for them, die-hard fandom does not guarantee a win, and the Bills lost to the Jags. But if the parking lots full of shattered plastic are any indication, those tables never stood a chance against ’em!

Golden Globes Go Black

Awards season kicked off with the 75th annual Golden Globe Awards Sunday, where the color of the night was black and the theme was Get Woke! Basically every person in attendance wore black as a symbol of solidarity against harassment, abuse and discrimination in the workplace — in Hollywood and beyond. It was all part of the women-led Time’s Up movement, which started a legal defense fund for people who have experienced sexual harassment, assault or abuse in the workplace. Jaded folks might roll their eyes at fashion statement slacktivism, but it really pulled attention to this issue. If you didn’t wear black you looked like an ass (lookin’ at you, Hollywood Foreign Press Association president). But the Globes wokeness didn’t stop there. Tons of stars brought activists as their dates, and instead of the tired “Who are you wearing” routine on the red carpet, stars discussed why they wore black and different causes they support instead. Seth Meyers nailed it as host, achieving a perfect tone of delivering hilarious commentary and poking fun at the stars while still addressing the garbage fire that is our current world. Joke of the night: “Harvey Weinstein isn’t in the room tonight. Don’t worry, he’ll be back in 20 years when he’ll be the first person to be booed during the In Memoriam segment.” The winners’ speeches were fire, capped off by a nine-minute address by Cecil B. DeMille honoree Oprah Winfrey. The first black woman to receive the lifetime achievement, Oprah spoke on race, gender and her own incredible story and had the entire audience in L.A. and homes everywhere calling for #Oprah2020.

Some highlights:

Sterling K. Brown became the first black man to win best actor in a TV drama.

Aziz Ansari is the first Asian man to win best actor in TV comedy.

The Room star Tommy Wiseau joined winner James Franco (and brother Dave) onstage — but James wouldn’t let him grab the mic.

Tonya Harding was in the building and drew mixed reactions.

While accepting his Globe for best director, The Shape of Water’s Guillermo del Toro was not about to get played off, so he told them to cut the music — and they did!

Presenter Natalie Portman made a point to note that the best director nominees were “all male.”

Between awards, a weird shampoo commercial revealed Winona Ryder as the new face of L’oreal, comparing her comeback to reviving damaged hair…

Interestingly, very few of the male winners spoke about gender equality or the movements being highlighted that night (despite many wearing the Time’s Up lapel pin).

This Week in Questionable Decisions…

1. Pennsylvania is making patients choose between owning a gun and qualifying for medical marijuana.

2. DJ Khaled jumped on the Weight Watchers wagon as a new spokesperson for the diet program.

3. Trump tweeted about his “Nuclear Button” being much bigger and more powerful than North Korea’s.

4. Demi Moore might be dating Nick Jonas, who is roughly her kids’ age and a full 30 years younger than her. (Get it!)

5. A museum exhibition of Justin Bieber memorabilia is making its way to his hometown in Ontario.

6. Eric Trump thinks Ellen DeGeneres is part of the “Deep State.” Sounds hot!

7. Mariah Carey says “linner” (a late dinner) is the new brunch.

8. Jon Snow himself Kit Harington got kicked out of a bar in New York City this weekend — twice! — for being a drunk mess. The same thing happened to me when I heard it was confirmed that the final season of Game of Thrones is only six episodes long and it’s not coming until 2019.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow’s ridiculous faux-wellness lifestyle site Goop recommends readers buy $135 at-home coffee enemas.

10. When Trump’s mental state was taken into question this week (as it is each week), he tweeted about being a “stable genius.”

11. Filmmaker/abuser Roman Polanski reportedly expressed disappointment about not being able to hang out with Harvey Weinstein over the holidays.

12. Marvin Lewis signed a two-year extension to continue coaching the Bengals and everyone freaked out. 

13. I watched more than seven hours of Golden Globes coverage Sunday.

Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]