Kylie Jenner Is Rich
The latest issue of Forbes highlights America’s 60 richest self-made women, including Oprah (No. 6), Spanx founder Sara Blakely (No. 21) and Madonna (No. 36). Ranking at No. 27 with a near-$1 billion net worth is 20-year-old kosmetic kween and Kardashian heiress Kylie Jenner. She earned $166.5 million in the last year, making her the highest paid female celebrity of 100 top-earners — all before she can legally get a drink at a bar. Some people took issue with the mag calling her “self-made,” since that term generally insinuates a sort of “started from the bottom, now we here” kind of journey. And while no one is denying that the youngest of the Kardashian klan built a hugely successful beauty empire, she certainly didn’t build it from the ground up all on her own — and she was basically born a millionaire.
Dictionary.com threw shade at the article, defining self-made in social media using her as an example in a tweet that read, “Self-made means having succeeded in life unaided. Used in a sentence: Forbes says that Kylie Jenner is a self-made woman.”
Haters gonna hate, and Kylie’s gonna keep stacking that cash. After announcing that she’s stopped using lip fillers, and judging by how jacked up they used to be, that should save a pretty penny. Will the poster child for teen injectables embrace her old face again? Maybe the new mom is striving for an actual family resemblance after finally realizing that plastic surgery is not genetic.
Trump Takes England
Donald Trump made his first official visit to the U.K. last week, and you have to hand it to him, he managed to ignite even the “keep calm and carry on” crew. Tens of thousands of protestors marched in London’s streets and beyond and gave us other random acts of protest, including a crop circle that read “bastard Trump” in Russian and a 20-foot inflatable Trump baby that followed him from Britain to Scotland. The diapered blimp will make its way to the U.S. next month thanks to an online campaign that quickly funded its journey.
Trump and Melania met Queen Elizabeth II for the first time, but not before making the queen wait for tea! QEII waited in the summer heat for nearly 15 minutes before Trump showed up. He told The Sun, of the queen, “If you think of it, for so many years she has represented her country, she has really never made a mistake. You don’t see, like, anything embarrassing.” Huh.
Next, Trump traveled to Scotland, where he’s opening a golf resort. He tweeted, “(Scotland) is going wild over the vote. They took their country back, just like we will take America back. No games!” apparently in reference to the Brexit vote. Only…Scotland voted overwhelmingly to remain in the European Union (something Trump called a “foe” of the U.S.). Scots were quick to remind him of this, introducing Trump to their vibrant and robust insult vocabulary, which includes “witless fucking cocksplat,” “weaselheaded fucknugget,” “mangled apricot hellbeast,” “clueless numpty,” “bloviating flesh bag,” “toupéd fucktrumpet” and “tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced ferret wearing shitgobbon.” Twitter was like that scene from Liar Liar when Jim Carey is insulting his entire office, only with more impressive language. Scots are roasting champions!
One protestor kept their message mild and their actions bold as they paraglided over the new Trump hotel with a sign that read, “Trump well below par.”
As the weekend came to a close, attention shifted to Trump’s next meeting: with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki. A Finnish newspaper greeted the presidents with 300 billboards, welcoming them to the “land of free press,” and quoting some of Trump’s troublesome attempts to discredit news media.
Build-a-Bear’s Own Fyre Festival
When many mall-centric retailers are shutting their doors during this internet shopping age, the hell on earth that is the Build-a-Bear Workshop is actually thriving. Honestly, when I first heard about the toy store’s epic fail of a discount promotion, I figured it was some last-ditch attempt at a cash grab before going the way of Toys “R” Us. I thought it was on the ever-growing list of things Millennials are killing because they aren’t having kids, and the ones that are aren’t dropping $70 on a stuffed animal for them. But apparently Build-a-Bear is still going strong — the company has been profitable for four years straight now.
Well, that was before parents showed up with pitchforks Thursday after its “Pay Your Age” sales event was abruptly cut short and the store turned away hopeful kids. Shoppers were promised teddy bears for the cost of their child’s age in dollars — quite a deal for the overpriced plushies — prompting hundreds of folks to line up around locations across the country. It got so crazy, the company pulled the plug on the event hours into the day, citing safety concerns. Truly, few things sound more dangerous that swarms of stroller-pushing moms with cranky toddlers, so I don’t blame them. But that didn’t stop the disappointed masses from #TakingtoTwitter. The company has apologized and explained that all kids can shop during their birth month and “pay your age.”
In all this mess, yet another company I aim to avoid for the rest of my life, Chuck E. Cheese, saw an opportunity. Just 30 minutes after B-a-B cancelled its sale, C.E.C. offered families pay-your-age prices for 30 minutes of all-you-can-play. You see, at Chuck E. Cheese, it’s always a shitshow and safety is never a concern. That’s just part of the Chuck E. Cheese fun.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]