WEDNESDAY, JULY 19
Apple is dropping a slew of new emojis later this year. A preview of the next round of high-tech hieroglyphics was revealed early this week in celebration of World Emoji Day (dear god why). Soon you’ll be able to text emojis like a person meditating in lotus pose, a breastfeeding woman and a hijabi. This is the future liberals want! There will also be new smilies (including a much more graphic barfing face) creatures (zombie, genie, elf), food (sandwich, coconut, raw steak) and animals (zebra, T-rex). If you just can’t wait for these additions, there’s a fucking emoji movie — called The Emoji Movie — coming out July 28. In the meantime, we’ll be kickin’ it old school with the lost art of emoticons.
THURSDAY, JULY 20
Here’s a line you might have heard once or twice before in your lifetime: People across the country were glued to their screens this week to watch O.J. Simpson. There were no white Broncos or ill-fitting leather gloves, but Simpson still managed to dazzle during a Nevada parole hearing for his convictions stemming from a 2007 armed robbery. After serving nine years of his nine-to-33-year sentence, Simpson stood before a panel to apologize for his part in the crime. There were many WTF moments. One parole board member oddly chose to wear a distracting Kansas City Chiefs tie, while another mistakenly identified Simpson as a 90-year-old (he turned 70 this month). “You look great for 90!” she said, joking about the error. But the laughs didn’t stop there! Simpson chuckled about relocating to Florida upon release, since Nevada probably doesn’t want him. The best joke of the day: Simpson saying, “I basically have spent a conflict-free life.” Sure! Nevertheless, the board was convinced and granted him parole. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo sports memorabilia, because the Juice is loose — beginning this October.
FRIDAY, JULY 21
Surrealist king Salvador Dalí died nearly 30 years ago, but his body was exhumed this week to collect a DNA sample for a court-ordered paternity test. Pilar Abel, a 61-year-old Tarot card reader (red flag alert!) believes the otherwise childless artist is her father, because her mother had a “clandestine love affair” with Dalí in the 1950s. She saw it in the cards! If paternity is proven, Abel could claim part of Dalí’s multimillion-dollar estate left to the Spanish state. No word on the DNA results yet, but one fascinating revelation came to light when his body was exhumed — Dalí’s iconic, upward pointing mustache is still intact!
SATURDAY, JULY 22
Comic-Con took over San Diego and the internet this week, bringing fans, stars and cosplayers together for a pop culture extravaganza. Attendees could meet the actors behind nearly every superhero known to man and partake in immersive experiences like a real-life visit to Westworld. Those of us without quickly sold-out tickets or a cool dad to take us (more on that later) were left waiting for new trailers and announcements to hit the web. Highlights: American Horror Story revealed its Season 7 theme, “Cult”; millennial cartoons Duck Tales, Hey Arnold! and Rocko’s Modern Life are all getting reboots; and we saw epic trailers for Stranger Things, Justice League, Westworld and more. The biggest winner? Liev Schreiber, who attended the event with his two sons, dressed as a Star Wars jedi and Suicide Squad’s Harley Quinn — down to the sequin shorts and blonde pigtails. You betta werk, lil Schreiber!
SUNDAY, JULY 23
The Discovery channel loves a good stunt — remember when that guy attempted to be eaten alive by an anaconda? (Spoiler Alert: He didn’t.) So it’s no surprise the network decided to kick off Shark Week with a good old-fashioned man-versus-beast showdown. Last month it was announced that Olympic boss Michael Phelps would race a Great White shark. Phelps traveled to South Africa, jumped into the ocean in a merman-esque monofin and shot across the 100 meters. The only problem? He wasn’t really racing a shark in open waters (obviously). Scientists recorded the speed of a real shark and used that to compare to Phelps’ time. Producers then added a digital image of a shark to the footage of Phelps swimming to simulate a race so that people would actually want to watch. Actually, that wasn’t the only problem, because dude lost — to a CGI shark — by two seconds.
MONDAY, JULY 24
The Bachelorette is winding down, and this week Rachel introduced her top three to her fam (minus her judge father, who is clearly above this Bachelorette bullshit) and embarked on the infamous fantasy suites, aka camera-free overnight dates, aka the bone zone. Her first one-on-one with Eric took the couple to the Spanish countryside in San Juan de Gaztelugatxe... which was a filming location for Game of Thrones. A date at Dragonstone! Get you a girl who takes you to Daenerys’ castle. Honestly, there has been a bit of Bachelorette/Game of Thrones crossover — lots of red wine, hard-to-impress queens (mothers), Rachel even brought her direwolf (OK, regular dog Copper) on the show! Coming soon: fight to the death for the final rose.
TUESDAY, JULY 25
This week in questionable decisions: Two of this summer’s tropical storms will be named Don and Hilary; Milan has banned glass bottles, street food and selfie sticks in an effort to curb “anti-social behaviour”; Madame Tussauds debuted what many believe was a whitewashed and unrecognizable Beyoncé wax figure this week, removed it days later and put her back on display after the museum “adjusted the styling and lighting of her figure”; a Brooklyn bar is boasting genuine bullet holes in walls and selling 40-ounce rosé wine in paper bags; and Forbes wrote about the marijuana edibles trend as if it’s a brand new thing.
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