Dog Days of Summer
For years, the Philadelphia Phillies have combined some of the best parts of watching baseball — highly processed snack foods, launching prizes into crowds, Muppety mascots and the excitement of making a big catch in the stands — by shooting hot dogs from the field to hungry fans in the stands. During each home game, the jolly green Philly Phanatic jumps on an ATV equipped with a hot dog-shaped pneumatic launcher and makes it rain duct tape-wrapped dogs into the crowd. It’s always been a hit. (Look up the Hatfield Hot Dog Launcher Documentary on YouTube for its hilarious backstory.) This week, however, tragedy struck — literally — when Phillies fan Kathy McVay was pelted in the face with a frankfurter. OK, so it wasn’t exactly tragic — McVay is going to be fine. As a true Phillies fan, she does not plan to sue, and the team offered her free tickets. McVay can even see the humor in attributing her black eye to a hot dog. Now that’s what I call a good sport! (Sorry.)
In more disturbing hot dog news, a guy was spotted selling Hot Dog Water outside a Vancouver festival last week. No, the guy wasn’t Fred Durst (he was performing at an Ohio Sunoco). Actually, his identity was concealed by a hot dog onesie, but his “keto-friendly” product — some of those fancy glass water bottles with an organic beef sausage floating in unfiltered water — promised amazing health benefits like weight loss and increased brain function and vitality. At a steep price even for overpriced festival fare, Hot Dog Water ran $37.99 a pop (or $28 USD). Of course, a quick look at the bottles’ fine print (and an ounce of common sense) revealed HDW was merely a stunt, a Canadian Banksy moment, so to speak. Douglas Bevans, the incognito self-proclaimed CEO of the brand, created this living installation as a commentary on pseudoscience and snake oil salesmen. And yet, he still managed to sell around 60 bottles.
And when it comes to the kinds of dogs you pet and don’t eat, wonderfully weird pups were on display at Saturday’s World’s Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, Calif. Zsa Zsa, the glamorously named English bulldog, won and I get that it’s counterintuitive to try to explain how busted this dog looks without using a photo, but print journalism has its limits so just bear with me and Google her later. Her aggressive underbite completely engulfs her upper lips. Her tongue hangs out of the side of her mouth by at least half a foot. Her stature can best be described as if the characters from the cartoon Street Sharks walked on all fours. And I thought it was hard to shop for my body shape! Basically, Zsa Zsa is a vision and I will forever campaign against calling exquisite beasts like her “ugly.”
Cher and Meryl: Vigilante Heroes
Cher and Meryl Streep will soon be onscreen in the Mamma Mia! sequel, so prepare all the awards now. I mean, the concept of the first movie (based off the musical of the same name) is basically a Maury Povich “Who’s the Daddy?” episode set to the musical stylings of ABBA. What the world needs now is a sequel!
Cher recently went on The Late Late Show with James Corden to promote the film, but the story she shared is what really deserves to be adapted for the silver screen. Cher and Meryl — let’s call them Cheryl — go way, way back. More than 30 years ago, the gals were out for ice cream in New York City (simpler times) when they heard a scream. Cher says they saw a man ripping off some poor woman’s clothes, and then come running right at them. The two split so he ran between them (no word on if there was an Acme anvil involved), and they went to help the woman. Apparently she was practically thankful for getting assaulted because she got to meet her idols. I guess that’s one way to turn your #MeToo moment into a happy memory?
Fallon vs. Trump
Trump is now beefin’ with his former bestie in late night, Jimmy Fallon. Fallon is one of the few nightly talk show hosts that doesn’t really get too political, and when he welcomed Trump to his show prior to the election in 2016, a lot of folks felt like he normalized the future prez. I mean, who could forget the hair tousle seen ’round the world?
Well, two years since the interview aired, Fallon went on the Hollywood Reporter podcast to discuss. He’s still catching shit for it. He says he wishes he would have handled things differently and he wasn’t trying to humanize America’s version of Mad Max’s Immortan Joe. At one point, Fallon got emotional talking about all the backlash, saying, “What do you want me to do? You want me to kill myself? What would make you happy? Get over it.” Ultimately, he expressed regret for this “mistake.”
Of course, Trump had his own thoughts on the matter, shared on Twitter Sunday. He claims Fallon called him up after the show to brag about “monster ratings,” and that the host “seriously messed up” his hair. (My eyeballs just rolled out of my head.) Fallon responded by donating to the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services (RAICES) in Trump’s name. My money’s on Trump clapping back with a Kanye West-produced diss track called “Good Time Jimmy.”
Jon + Ygritte 4-ever
A Game of Thrones wedding that didn’t end in bloodshed? What sorcery is this? In some steamy fanfic come to life, Jon Snow and Ygritte — aka Kit Harington and Rose Leslie — got married this weekend in a freaking castle owned by the brides’ family (she’s a descendant of King Charles II!). GOT castmates in attendance include Sophie Turner (Sansa), Maisie Williams (Arya), Peter Dinklage (Tyrion), Emilia Clarke (Daenerys) and John Bradley (Sam). The two twee lovebirds are presumably off on some equally perfect honeymoon. I don’t know if I want to be them, want to be with them or want them to adopt me. This really should have gotten royal wedding-level coverage.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]