R.I.P. Donessa
Vanessa Trump lived out some of our wildest fantasies by breaking free from the Trump family as she and Don Jr. announced their separation last week. The two have been married for 12 years and have five kids. Vanessa is seeking an uncontested divorce, which means they’re not going to fight over assets or custody (in the words of Kanye West, they likely hollered, “We want prenup! We want prenup!” when they got hitched in 2005) and it will be a rather speedy process. Some people think that’s suspicious, but honey, the woman wants out. Let her live!
Since neither are making a peep about the decision, media outlets were quick to dig up old stories on Vanessa and the couple, which were… interesting.
Before she met Don, Vanessa was tied to Leonardo DiCaprio back in his Pussy Posse days. A 1998 New York magazine story says the two were caught nuzzling at a premiere party and while Leo’s rep says they never dated, Vanessa reportedly told a gossip columnist they were together.
Former classmates also shared some choice words about Vanessa in the article. One called her a “total gangster bitch,” saying she used to work a rocker look with leather and baggy jeans. Another described her as an “ill thug” who dated a “Latin King” and was voted “Most Likely to Wind Up on Ricki Lake.” Excuse me while I take the terms “thug” and “gangster” coming from a couple prep-school WASPs with a huge grain of salt.
And as folks try to squeeze every last drop of relevance out of this divorce news, one former model emerged with receipts of Don’s creepy DMs about his apparent bacon fetish. The model had joked about pulling a muscle while changing a tampon and he asked if she smelled bacon and considered tweeting her for a photo. Breakfast will never be the same.
Then you have Donessa’s engagement. Now there is no shame in getting a good deal on a diamond — even if your daddy is a billionaire. But Don Jr.’s proposal money moves were tacky AF. He gave Vanessa a $100,000 rock that he received for free from a jeweler. How’d he secure a pro bono ring? After getting down on one knee privately, the couple recreated the proposal outside the jewelry store in a NEW JERSEY MALL before paparazzi cameras and TV crews. And if that wasn’t enough to cement their romance from the start, the first time she met Don she called his dad “retarded.”
Now, let’s respect their privacy during this difficult time.
From #NailedIt to #EpicFail
Everybody fucks up sometimes, even highly successful people and corporations — that’s the idea behind the Museum of Failure, which recently set up shop in Hollywood. The collection of “flops and foibles,” originally on display in Sweden, features 100 items representing product blunders that were either once successful and failed to keep up with the times, like Blockbuster, or just never quite found their footing, like Google Glass. There are some throwback items like Kellogg’s OJ’s, an orange juice-flavored cereal from the 1980s, and recent ones like the infamous Bic pens “For Her.” Attendees will also find a Harley-Davidson cologne in “Hot Road” scent, Colgate lasagna — the toothpaste company’s failed foray into frozen dinners — Apple’s Newton MessagePad, Sony’s Betamax VCR and even “Trump the Game,” which we are all living in right now. The museum also has a confession wall where visitors can share their own failures. It’s not all negative — the exhibit’s curator wants to encourage others by showing how failure is a necessary step in innovation. If Heinz can continue to thrive in all things tomato after its ill-advised EZ Squirt purple and green ketchup, you can go on to do great things, too!
Six-Year-Old Cooler Than You
Normally, I am vehemently against parents bringing small children to adult events and venues. Keep your babies away from my bars, weddings, concerts and definitely my art auctions (j/k I’ve only been to one auction and I actually felt like the baby in that crowd). So when I read that Beyoncé and Jay Z brought their 6-year-old Blue Ivy Carter to the WACO Theater Center’s Wearable Art Gala, I might have thrown a side-eye their way (don’t @ me, Beyhive!). But Blue continues to show us that she can roll with her folks in a way that you or I could only dream. Not only did she attend the benefit art auction — she bid $19,000 on a piece! Blue set her sights on an acrylic painting of Sidney Poitier by Tiffanie Anderson, bidding $17 grand and then $19,000 when she got outbid. A hilarious video shows dad Jay wrestling the paddle out of her hand. Tyler Perry’s rude ass outbid her again (please @ him, Beyhive!), so she settled for a $10,000 work by Samuel Levi Jones — a composite of deconstructed law and medical books. Even her taste in art is supreme. For the record, Blue Ivy is welcome anywhere I step foot.
Make Voting Fun Again
“Russia” and “election” are straight-up trigger words for some of us, but if you peep photos of the polls across the country from this weekend, you’ll be transported to a magical fun land full of freebies. Russians voted in the presidential election Sunday and — spoiler alert! — Vladimir Putin won.
Of course he won. He’s served as either president or prime minister of the country since 1999, and he won more than 76 percent of the vote this weekend. He’s now set to be the longest-serving Russian leader since Stalin.
But there were concerns about low voter turnout, so the Kremlin pulled out all the stops to attract voters to the polls. Project Make Voting Fun Again featured live entertainment, discounted goods, selfie booths, costume contests and giveaways. Shirtless acrobats, free ice cream and cheap vodka no doubt helped entice a large percent of voters to cast their ballots.
I’m not even mad about it. Hell, maybe more than 28 percent of Cincinnatians (the actual turnout for the 2017 election — great job, guys) would show up if their polling place had a bouncy castle.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]
