WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22
Lindsay Lohan has taken time out from designing headscarves and donating energy drinks to Syrian refugees to a promote a new project: a Punk’d-esque social media prank show. Called The Anti-Social Network — which definitely is the name of an old episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, NBD — the show will find Lohan hijacking people’s social media and challenging them to dares to win cash prizes. A preview video is circulating on the Net, but with no specs on when or where to watch because it’s still being shopped to networks. If there are two things Millennials love, it’s rebooting stuff from the late 1990s/early 2000s and making big announcements on social media waaay before it’s appropriate. Lindsay Lohan is the voice of this generation.
THURSDAY, MARCH 23
Donald Trump isn’t exactly the most relatable of U.S. presidents, but he did reveal to the world Thursday that, like most red-blooded American boys, Donnie loves him some trucks. He invited folks from the American Trucking Association to the White House this week as an excuse to get behind the wheel of a big rig and, hence, grace us with some meme-ready photos of him pretending to drive and flexing behind the wheel. It was the happiest the man has looked since before he got banned from the Miss Teen USA dressing rooms. We’re talking Bill Clinton watching balloons-level excitement. He even wore a cute “I <3 Trucks” pin for the rest of the day. Seriously, get you a man that looks at you the way Trump looks at trucks. Trump in a semi is the alt-right Biden with ice cream cones.
FRIDAY, MARCH 24
Planning a weekend getaway any time soon? Well, cancel that trip and just stay home because Travel + Leisure says it doesn’t get much better than Cincinnati. The travel mag named the Queen City one of the 50 best places to travel in 2017 late last year and this week detailed a three-day weekend guide for visitors. It featured what have become the usual suspects, including museums, Holtman’s and Findlay Market, plus some newer attractions like the streetcar, Maplewood Kitchen and Bar and Cincy Red Bike. It’s a jam-packed weekend plan. The only thing missing is an OTR dinner wait contingency plan in which the visitor regrettably settles for Skyline.
SATURDAY, MARCH 25
R.I.P. Party in the Park (1976-2016). The weekly summer happy hour — rebranded as 5:13 Cincy last year (apparently?) — and source of many an Enquirer photo gallery is no more. P in the P (was this not an option in the rebranding process?) had a place in all stages of life. As a kid, it was a rare opportunity to play outside downtown while your parents got low-key drunk. In high school it was the place where you could try to get cool adults to buy you beers, and if that didn’t work you always had that water bottle of vodka in your backpack. It’s a YP mecca and the last place outside of weddings where old ladies still like to get down to a cover band. While drinking. Basically it was a big booze fest at any given time, OK? Pour out an $8 Bud Light for Party in the Park.
SUNDAY, MARCH 26
Are leggings pants? The Spandex saga wades on. Two teenagers were stopped from boarding a United Airlines flight this weekend, and another young girl was forced to cover her leggings with a dress, all because the gate attendant deemed their attire — leggings — inappropriate. Apparently “pass travelers,” relatives of United employees who get to fly for free, must adhere to a stricter dress code than the rest of us. And let’s be honest: Air travel isn’t the fancy once-in-a-lifetime experience it used to be. Comfort (i.e. lack of zippers) is a top priority. Surely stretch pants are not the most egregious article of clothing to be worn on a plane. They make onesies in adult sizes, for crying out loud. Yet another reason why we always travel by car, where no one knows you’re pantless.
MONDAY, MARCH 27
Injecting a tiny drop of gay flavor into 1990s remakes is all the rage right now. First, Beauty and the Beast’s LeFou and now Trini, the Yellow Power Ranger. Both movies feature blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes that allude to the character’s sexuality. And while these representations have been subtle, the reactions to them have not. Russia gave Beauty and the Beast a 16+ (minimum age) rating and slapped the new Power Rangers movie with its highest rating (18+) due to gayness. On one hand it’s great to incorporate more diverse movie characters in all ways, and on the other hand it’s always fun to piss off Russia. Just wait ’til our line of LGBTQ pogs hits the international market.
TUESDAY, MARCH 28
In quite possibly the most damaging example of fake news, Graeter’s Oreos are not a thing, contrary to a photo of black raspberry chocolate chip-flavored Oreos that circulated this week. An Instagram account called @thejunkfoodaisle posts photos of real snack food finds and photoshopped fantasy treats, and unfortunately the Graeter’s cookies fall in the latter category. The local ice cream giant responded with a recipe to create your own BRCC Oreos. Will Facebook ever get a handle on this treacherous fake news?!
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]