What a Week! March 29-April 4

click to enlarge Dandelion, we hardly knew ye.
Dandelion, we hardly knew ye.

Everyone knows Comic Sans is the worst font there is. The childlike text popularized by Beanie Babies and family newsletters was mocked by designer types for years before it became common knowledge that the font is to be avoided at all costs, especially in the professional world. Use Comic Sans in a sign or advertisement, and it’s more likely to become a meme than sell a message.But have you ever heard the Comic Sans origin story? Creator Vincent Connare, a Microsoft typographer in the 1990s, spoke out this week about the oft-ridiculed font, and he stands by the monster he created. Connare was shooting for a comic book-type font (inspired by The Dark Knight Returns) that kids would be drawn to. He thought the standard Times New Roman seemed too formal. And it turns out it’s also a particularly helpful font for users with dyslexia: the unique shape of each letter makes differentiating between letters easier for some. It’s even the recommended font by some dyslexia organizations. So hating on Comic Sans is ableist! Don’t discriminate: Hate on Papyrus instead. 


We here at What a Week! don’t know the most about soccer, but we’re pretty familiar with attractive humans. And if there’s one thing Portuguese professional soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo is known for off the field, it’s being hot. You wouldn’t know that by looking at the statue of him unveiled this week. Madeira International Airport in Ronaldo’s hometown changed its name to Aeroporto Cristiano Ronaldo (!) and threw in a sculpted bust of him to boot. Only it looks nothing like him, and everything like a giver of nightmares. This statue is worse than people who  try to get a tattoo of their child’s face only to have their baby look like a ghoul (which is to say, every tattoo of a child). And like the Comic Sans guy, the artist behind this monstrosity should probably lay low for a while, too.


On National Crayon Day Friday, Crayola said R.I.P. to the color Dandelion. Apparently there’s no room for weeds in those fragrant, nostalgic boxes of crayons any more! The yellowy color will be replaced by a blue shade that, like everything from research vessels to Monopoly markers, will be named via an internet poll. We’re really starting to give the people too much power.


This Saturday, it was necessary to employ the highest levels of skepticism before clicking any headline, social media post or text message. Not because of flagrant fake news, but for April Fools Day! What used to be the whoopee cushion’s favorite holiday has now been diluted to mildly annoying marketing ploys on the internet. Snapchat debuted a dumb filter that looked like Instagram posts; Google introduced Google Gnome, a fake outdoor counterpart to Google Home that resembled a lawn ornament; George Takei announced a bid for Congress; and Food & Wine posted a recipe for a hot dog flavored water slushie. What, no chocolate starfish?The April Fools win goes to College Humor and Sinbad for making footage of Shazaam, a movie that stars the comic as a genie which is thoroughly not real, despite many internet kids having separate, distinct memories of its existence. (There’s even a Berenstain Bears book in the background of the clip — a nod to the Berenstain/Berenstein debate. Google “Mandela Effect” if you really want to get caught up in some alternate universe mindfuckery.) Thanks for making dreams come true, Sinbad!


Between Sunday’s seventh season finale of The Walking Dead and the final episode of HBO miniseries Big Little Lies, everyone tuned in to see who got kilt. On the former, war finally broke out, the garbage pail kids proved to be major fuckbois and one major character did the Magic Coffin Illusion G.O.B. performed in Arrested Development to epic results. There were lions and tigers and bears — OK, just one of those things. On BLL, which was more satisfying in seven episodes than TWD in its sprawling entirety, a looming death was certain, but details finally emerged. Always nice to see people gathered on a Sunday. To watch murder. 


Melania Trump is serving Glamour Shots realness in her first official portrait as First Lady. Normally FLOTUSes play it safe in their offish ports (slang we’re making up), opting for traditional poses, but Michelle Obama had ladies clutching their pearls when she dared to bare her naked arms in her 2009 shot. Melania is now making waves by putting her own stamp on the portrait. The close-up beauty shot depicts Mrs. Trump in black, airbrushed for the gods, with the fuzzy elegance of a soft-focus Barbara Walters interview. Basically, it’s a still from her lost Real Housewives intro reel.


It’s been a minute since we’ve had multiple Beyoncé news items in one week, but never fear: Beyoncé is reportedly the top choice to voice Nala in Jon Favreau’s live-action Lion King remake. (Retracts all negative statements about reboots.) She has voiced a cartoon character before, in 2013’s  Epic. Not only would she be an excellent strong lioness and counterpart to Donald Glover’s Simba, but this would also mean Beyoncé would be singing on a Disney soundtrack. “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”! We can. (Prays to Beyoncé shrine.) In other Queen Bey news, an artist recreated Mrs. Carter’s pregnancy announcement shot, using 45 pounds of cheese. The piece is called Brie-once. (Obvs not created by a true member of the BeyHive because everyone knows it should be spelled Brie-Yoncé. But we digress.) We could go on and on listing some better Bey cheese puns than that, but we’ll leave you with just one: Cheddar call Becky with the Gouda hair. Somewhere Ted Cruz is heartbroken that his beloved butter cow has been outmatched again.

CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]

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