The 2016 U.S. presidential election might have been a circus show, but South Korea’s recent election was a game of thrones. SBS, a top Korean news network, pulled out all the stops with its graphics for election night. As the tallies came in, the station depicted candidates as Rocky-style joggers, Pokémon Go characters and, yes, dragon-riding warriors a la Game of Thrones. Moon Jae-in was crowned upon the Iron Throne elected. He has instantly been outshined by his v. attractive bodyguard, Choi Young-jae, who captured the hearts of the internet this week. That’s a pretty legit deflection away from the hot mess that is South Korean politics. Perhaps Trump should try hiring personnel that don’t look like the Crypt Keeper. Speaking of Korea, apparently no one knows where North Korea is. The New York Times asked around 1,700 American adults to place the country on a map, and the result looks like a polka-dotted eastern hemisphere — only about 36 percent got it right. Can you identify either Korea on a map? Probably not. But now you can name the South Korean president, and have you really ever been able to do that before? (Intelligent reader: “Uh, yeah…”)
THURSDAY, MAY 11
Everybody fakes it on social media, but it’s usually confined to filtering away your face fug and pretending like your relationship is ~perfect~. Celebrities are guilty of this kind of “curation” too, but they have to be even more cautious about getting caught in an Insta-lie. Case in point: Rapper Bow Wow posted a photo of a private jet this week as he traveled to New York. He really was en route to NYC — the only problem is that he was spotted that day on a commercial flight… in coach. Cue the #BowWowChallenge, wherein folks snap a faked shot of some luxurious experience. Meanwhile, our broke asses would gladly take a Frontier flight any day. They serve Giuliana Rancic’s wine!
FRIDAY, MAY 12
Wooing to be outlawed at Great American Ballpark? OK, maybe not really, but if local sports reporters had their way, it would be. According to certain schmohawks at WCPO and The Cincinnati Enquirer, wooing is the worst possible thing to happen to professional sports and possibly America. Nevermind the fact that they represent a small group of folks who get to attend games regularly. What if you’re taking a kid for his first MLB game and he wants to get on the big screen? You yell and dance, you cheer. Think of the children, Doc. But from now on, the only acceptable celebratory noises at sports games are as follows: the slide whistle sound effect, yelling “Yas queen,” a plastic clapper toy you win at carnivals, poetry slam-style snaps and the Tim Allen-patented grunt.
SATURDAY, MAY 13
Melissa McCarthy hosted Saturday Night Live this week, so you know the White House threw a hate-watch party in its honor. Of COURSE there was going to be an epic Sean Spicer skit. Of COURSE Alec Baldwin was going to return to play Trump. You’d think the writers would want to serve up something unexpected, but maybe they knew dumb jokes were the only ones the administration would understand.
SUNDAY, MAY 14
Emmanuel Macron was inaugurated as France’s president today. In his first move in office, he nominated Édouard Philippe to be the next Prime Minister of France — but let’s talk about Macron’s wife! Brigitte Macron is 64 — 25 years older than her husband, the youngest French president at age 39. The age difference is basically the same as that of Donald and Melania Trump, and people have OPINIONS about both. You see, Brigitte was Emmanuel’s high school teacher in the 1990s and her children were among his classmates (naturally, they did not get together until years later). How do you say “mommy issues” in French? We’re not sure if it’s more sexist to scrutinize or glorify the relationship, but there’s something very cool and European about it all. Then again, we are big fans of Aaron Taylor-Johnson, the young star of Kick-Ass who glowed up into a big-screen babe. He met wife Sam Taylor-Johnson (yes, they are sooo progressive, just wait), director of Fifty Shades of Grey, on a film set when he was 18 and she was 42. They married three years later, took on shared hyphenated names, he became a stepdad to her two children (one is just seven years his junior) and they had two more kids together. Scandaleux!
MONDAY, MAY 15
Do you remember the commencement speaker at your graduation? If you’re anything like us, you probably skipped that boring mess or slept through the opening remarks. But for graduates at the University of Southern California, alumnus Will Ferrell made the ceremony one to remember. Ferrell received an honorary doctorate from USC, which he believes allows him to “perform minimally invasive surgery at any time or any place, even if people don’t want it.” He then capped off his remarks with a performance of “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. Guess it pays to attend USC! Actually, you pay — a cool 50 grand per year (loosens collar).
TUESDAY, MAY 16
This week in fashion: tooth gems and “RompHims.” Are tooth jewels a thing now? The supposed ’90s trend that we do not remember whatsoever is being rekindled by celebs like Katy Perry. Just like they sound, they’re tiny charms you stick to your teeth, like a girlier version of the grill or a dumber version of a temporary tattoo. As an unfortunate soul who still had metal braces in college, this is as confusing as it is triggering. And “tooth gems?” More like poop gems, because you know you’re gonna accidentally swallow them. And for the men taking fashion nods from the ladies, we have the RompHim — a romper for dudes. It appears they’re going for summery coveralls, but they’re giving us giant toddler onesies. And joke’s on the guys, because rompers are insane: They’re unforgiving and make peeing in public a nightmare.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]