Royal Wedding Hot Takes
Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle are officially the Duke and Duchess of Sussex following the #RoyalWedding Saturday. Folks on this side of the pond had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn (I find it’s best to employ crude language while discussing the monarchy, just to knock ’em down a peg), and your loyal couch correspondent did just that this weekend. Guests started arriving as early as 4 a.m. EST and included familiar famous faces such as Oprah, James Corden, Serena Williams, Posh and Becks, Priyanka Chopra, George and Amal (who looked the most STUNNING in head-to-toe yellow gold) Clooney and many of Meghan’s Suits co-stars. Oh, and Kate Middleton’s sis Pippa looked like a refreshing can of Arizona green tea. Speaking of familiar guests, Harry’s exes Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas were also in attendance. Normal! Absent from the ceremony was Meghan’s dad, who had to keep it chill following heart surgery. Her dad’s side of the family has been a hot mess since the engagement was announced, and you know the Queen is having none of that. Meghan’s mom was there, though, and she looked amazing (#gotitfromhermama). Prince Charles walked the bride down the second half of the aisle and it was actually pretty sweet. In fact, everything the royal couple did came off 50 shades of cute: the way they looked at each other; their whispered comments during the ceremony; their proper yet genuine kisses. If watching that spectacle didn’t turn you into a Harry and Meghan stan, you have no heart!
Then there’s the dress. Meghan looked classy if not a bit bland in a Givenchy boat-neck gown with three-quarter-length sleeves, minimal makeup and an epic lace veil. She went the modest route, but who needs to be over-the-top when you’re already becoming a princess? The bish is flawless — she doesn’t need a sexy dress or statement lip to serve a look!
If there’s one thing I learned watching the wedding from the comfort of my home in pajamas, it’s that this is truly the best way to experience a royal wedding. Let’s face it, some of those crowd shots during the ceremony were bleak. Most attendees can’t see any of the minimal action because they’re in an entirely separate room. You know that old ass St. George’s Chapel doesn’t have any central air and the pews are probably uncomfortable AF. Which is probably an accurate description of how some of the stuffier Brits in attendance felt when African-American Bishop Michael Curry took us to black church during a rousing sermon. Anyone dozing off definitely woke their asses up during his sermon, which quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., got political and included the humorous assertion, “We’ve got to get you all married.” Bishop goals!
The newlyweds greeted guests from a carriage, where Meghan showed off her princess-perfect wave and Harry looked like the happiest kid in the world. THEY ARE IN LOVE! For a second there, it really seemed like the whole world came together to celebrate something good and real and lovely. That was worth waking up early on a Saturday.
Hopefully you watched HBO’s coverage of the wedding, brought to us by Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon playing Cord Hosenbeck, a “celebrated dog breeder” and Tish Cattigan, a former Ms. Arizona runner-up, respectively. They made their debut at the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day and Funny or Die brought them back for the big Brit event. Hilarious if wholly uninformative.
After the ceremony, Meghan and Harry slipped into sleek party attire and rolled out in an eco-friendly luxury whip because they are woke. And I guess fancy folks don’t steal up all the centerpieces because the couple donated their flowers to hospice patients after the wedding. And if you figured the two have jetted off to some well-deserved private honeymoon, it’s on hold. The newly minted duke and duchess dive right into royal duties this week. It’s hard out here for a princess!
We Cannes Do It!
The Cannes Film Festival wrapped up in France after a 12-day run, and considering its proximity to the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements, there was bound to be an international reckoning at the prestigious fest. In fact, many in the film industry made their mark.
For the first time ever, the Cannes jury featured a female majority led by a woman, Cate Blanchett. Unfortunately, of all the festival’s entries, only three were made by women filmmakers. Even more sadly, that’s the best number since 2011. Oy.
Only 82 women directors have ever been part of Cannes, and Blanchett gathered with this small group (compared to the more than 1,600 male directors) on the red carpet to call attention to equal pay and opportunities. Spike Lee spoke out against Donald Trump. Italian actress Asia Argento, one of Harvey Weinstein’s many accusers, spoke at the closing ceremony, pointing out that Cannes was his “hunting ground,” and calling for a massive culture change.
And the protest spirit trickled down to smaller issues, like the dress code. Cannes has a strict no-flats rule for women, which is ridiculous because you can remain very formal in shoes that don’t alter your foot shape (See: MEN’S SHOES), so jury member and IDGAF queen Kristen Stewart took her heels off on the red carpet and continued walking barefoot into the venue. OK but when I do this I get quietly removed from the restaurant? Not fair.
Oh, and fun fact: the Cincinnati-filmed Gotti premiered there last week, bringing together star John Travolta, an inexplicable 50 Cent and Lala from Vanderpump Rules (finally!)
Yanny or Laurel?
What looks like it could be a debate between terrible celebrity baby names was actually the audio version of The Dress saga, and it took the Internet by storm last week. The short clip — which some heard as “yanny” while others heard “laurel” — taught us something about pitch and frequencies, but I’m still not really sure what. My youthful ear holes hear yanny (though it switches back and forth if I read the words as it plays), but apparently the actual recording is of a website dictating vocab words. Students started sharing the clip because no one could agree on what they were hearing, and it took off like wildfire. To settle it once and for all, the word being dictated was laurel. But it was a great week for Greek composer Yanni.
