Parents Forced to Evict Millennial Son
The media has long represented Millennials as entitled, underachievers who are killing the diamond industry and Applebee’s and would rather have artisanal toast and sparkling water than marriage and a mortgage. Well, if that generational stereotype is accurate (it’s not, dicks), then 30-year-old New York man Michael Rotondo is the patron saint of Millennials. Rotondo made news in May when his parents took him to court as a last-ditch effort to get him to move out of their home. That’s right, after years of Rotondo not paying rent or helping with chores and refusing his parents’ help to find his own place — scratch that, he did accept $1,100 from them but said it wasn’t enough to secure an apartment — his own mom and dad had to evict him. Rotondo, who is unemployed, spoke openly to media about how he has no desire to move out of his rent-free digs (uh-doy) and stressed that while he does live with his folks, he does NOT live in the basement. He has his own bedroom and does his own laundry, thankyouverymuch. Unsurprisingly, a New York state judge wasn’t buying it and ordered Rotondo to vacate the property by Friday. News cameras caught him struggling to pack up a borrowed truck with his belongings and fail to start his car. Watching Rotondo jump his Volkswagen Passat amid his dramatic exit was truly the cherry on top of this hot mess of a story. Before he finally rolled out — placing his boxes in storage while he stays at an Airbnb — Rotondo called the cops on his father, who wouldn’t permit him to look for missing LEGOs in the basement. And before you go making fun of this poster child for maladjusted man-children for playing with toys, the LEGOs belong to his 8-year-old son. The dude is a father. How is he going to afford child support, rent and other bills on his own? Don’t worry, Rotondo is getting financial assistance from conservative conspiracy theorist Alex Jones — he received $3,000 for appearing on a recent episode of Infowars. Honestly, maybe he’s a genius. Who else could parlay having the public image of an embarrassing deadbeat into that of a conservative icon?
British Royalty Expert Is an American Fraud
Sometimes a headline really does say it all: “British Expert on the Royal Family Is Actually Tommy From Upstate New York” (credit: The Wall Street Journal). If, like me, you got sucked into the royal wedding madness, you may have seen a certain Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills, Esq., making his rounds on camera as a sort of British monarchy expert, offering advice to Meghan Markle on her big day. He was even dubbed “the most interviewed man” for the wedding, frequently noting the differences between British sensibilities and the American way. Well, he would know. Because apparently those who interviewed him took one look at his fancy name, which begs to be read in a dramatic English accent, shrugged, and said, “Let’s go live!” instead of further vetting him, because it turns out Tommy Muscatello — his actual name — is really an Italian-American from upstate New York with a fake accent he picked up from his high school production of Oliver!. Tommy Boy is basically the white, male, wannabe-Brit version of Rachel Dolezal (who, BTW, was charged with welfare fraud last week). While Muscatello/Mace-Archer-Mills can’t deny his American origins, he does dub the Journal article fake news, which is a quintessentially American thing to do. Tommy, your stars and stripes are showing!
Drake vs. Pusha-T: The Beef
Rap feuds, battles and diss tracks are very much a part of the Hip Hop world, with artists beefing with one another all the time. But things escalated very quickly this week in the rivalry between Drake and Pusha-T. While the two have long had lingering drama, Pusha turned it up a notch with the release of his new album, Daytona. The track “Infrared” compares Drake to Donald Trump and calls the rapper out for using a ghostwriter. Ouch.
Drake clapped back less than 24 hours later with “Duppy Freestyle,” in which he talked about once being a fan of Pusha’s, called out “Infrared” producer Kanye West and warned that he’ll be sending an invoice for all this extra publicity he’s giving Pusha and his new album. And Drake really did send the record label an invoice for “promotional assistance and career reviving” with a $100,000 fee the next day. Shots fired!
A couple days later, Pusha responded with yet another track, snatching our collective wigs in the process. “The Story of Adidon” effectively eviscerates Drake, chewing out his parents and friends while asserting that Drake fathered a son with a porn star and that he’s a deadbeat dad. And if that wasn’t cold enough, the song’s art is a portrait of a young Aubrey Drake Graham in full-on blackface. (Drake says the image is from a 2007 shoot that meant to represent how blacks have been portrayed in entertainment.) R.I.P. all of us. This rap beef has destroyed us all.
It does appear the dissing has been put on pause for now — James Prince, Drake’s mentor and Rap-A-Lot CEO, said in a radio interview that he’s basically put Drake in time-out, instructing him not to respond anymore. In the meantime, we’re waiting. With popcorn.
Can You Use That in a Sentence?
The 91st annual Scripps National Spelling Bee took place Thursday, with 14-year-old Karthik Nemmani of McKinney, Texas taking home the trophy after correctly spelling the word “koinonia” (that’s a Christian fellowship or communion, with God or, other fellow Christians, FYI). This was something of a surprise in spelling bee circles (those exist?), as Nemmani was not favored to win. He surprised viewers by beating out 12-year-old Naysa Modi, a past participant who had once beat Nemmani in a regional bee. See, Nemmani was a wild card contestant, meaning he qualified for the Bee through a new program that let participants who had not won a regional or state spelling bee to enter. Right, as if the kid is a regular dummy like the rest of us.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]