Tiffany’s Markets “Everyday Objects” to Rich People
The holiday season between Halloween and New Year’s is also known as engagement season since so many people put a ring on it this time of year. It’s a good time to cave after your significant other has been dropping hints all year and a surefire way to snatch up all the family attention at Christmas (take that, Cousin Sue!). Tiffany & Co. is the destination for fiancés-to-be, but a new product line from the jewelry store is stealing the spotlight from its sought-after engagement rings. Tiffany’s “Everyday Objects” collection is perfect for a rich person who wants to spend as much cash as possible on common household items. The line includes a $9,000 ball of yarn, a $1,000 tin can, a $300 yo-yo, a $95 paper-looking china cup set (don’t worry, you get two!) and a $250 crazy straw. It reads like a college move-in shopping list fit for a Trump teen, with a $600 first aid tin, $350 salt and pepper shakers and office supplies like a triangle and protractor for several hundreds of dollars, complete with a single $1,500 paper clip. The company is obviously just trolling us all, but you know a crafty salesperson is going to convince some poor guy that his longtime girlfriend would prefer a $10,000 decorative bird’s nest over a diamond ring.
Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood Earn Liberal Hollywood Elite Status
Hosting the Country Music Association Awards had to be a tall order this year. Country music literally came under attack last month during the horrific Las Vegas shooting. Some find it hard to reconcile some of Country music’s pro-gun lyrics with the call for sensible gun laws. And then conservative viewers — who make up a good chunk of Country fans — are the first to go off when an award show “gets political,” even though musing on current events has always been a prerequisite for any hosting gig in all of history. But Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood took on the job at the CMA Awards this week and ruffled some fans’ feathers with some jokes taking aim at the president. We’re talking real softball stuff here, like remixing Underwood’s hit “Before He Cheats,” into “Before He Tweets,” but that didn’t stop some folks from calling for a #BOYCOTT. Of course, REAL Americans knew better than to even tune into the show due to Underwood working with the no-good NFL and Paisley being married to a — gasp! — Hollywood actress. Traitors!
Christopher Plummer Replaces Kevin Spacey in Getty Movie
In case you’ve been living under a rock this past month and missed all the news — in which case, where is this rock and can I move under it with you? — you know that basically every powerful man in Hollywood and beyond is a nasty scumbag being accused of sexual abuse/harassment. After Kevin Spacey was called out for some pretty serious misconduct, which he for some reason used as an opportunity to come out, the actor is getting dropped left and right. Netflix has severed ties with the House of Cards star and now Christopher Plummer is replacing Spacey in the already-complete Ridley Scott film All the Money in the World. The movie is set to premiere in December, so the time crunch is real as the crew reshoots Spacey’s scenes. If you hadn’t already seen the trailer, Spacey stars — er, starred — as oil tycoon J. Paul Getty, but you’d hardly know it by looking at him. He transformed for the role with a full face of prosthetics, rendering him unrecognizable. Maybe the producers can save time and money by simply erasing all references to Spacey’s name and saying the character is being played by another actor? All the Money in the World, starring Hollywood newcomer, Devin Pacey!
Scary Sea Worm Named After Infamous ’90s Couple
BBC nature docuseries Blue Planet introduced viewers this week to a freaky underwater creature with one hell of a name. The “bobbit” is a carnivorous meter-long sea worm with dagger-sharp jaws. It hides under the sand in coral reefs at night and shoots out to eat its unsuspecting prey as if it’s auditioning to be the Upside Down monster in the next season of Stranger Things. The creature is creepy AF. But let’s rewind to that name for a minute. Bobbit sounds innocent enough — cute, even — until you remember one of the 1990s best news stories, revolving around John and Lorena Bobbitt. The couple’s relationship made headlines in 1993 when Lorena — after experiencing physical, emotional and sexual abuse from John, which everyone seems to forget — cut off her husband’s penis with a knife while he was asleep in bed. She drove off with his appendage before throwing it into an open field. Miraculously, the penis was found and John got it reattached. No word yet on whether the worm looks to capitalize on its recent fame like John, who tried to wring out all 15 minutes by forming a band, the Severed Parts, and appearing in porn (Frakenpenis). TL;DR: Worms resemble dicks.
Hidden Valley Ranch Now Available in Kegs
Why spend rent on an empty soup can when you can buy a gallon of ranch dressing for 50 bucks? The Midwest’s answer to caviar is now available in five-liter mini-kegs via flavourgallery.com, just in time for the other holiday season. The price tag includes a 9.7-by-6.3-inch stackable keg coated with an FDA-approved lining that keeps the dressing tasting fresh and a “year’s supply” of the Hidden Valley good stuff. Ah, ranch. It makes salads palatable and junk food more decadent. There are probably countless children out there who would have never eaten a vegetable in their lives if it weren’t for ranch, and I love that it’s impossible not to sound like a hillbilly when you order it at a restaurant. The only thing I don’t understand is why the keg is being touted as a perfect white elephant gift. Aren’t you supposed to bring weird gifts no one wants to those exchanges?
This Week in Questionable Decisions...
1. Syria signed the Paris Agreement, leaving the U.S. as the only country in the world to refuse the climate change deal.
2. Our moody teen of a president tweeted, “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’ Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!” (sic; also sick)
3. When Keurig pulled its ads from Sean Hannity’s Fox News show over his coverage of the sexual misconduct allegations raised against Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, fans of the conservative pundit videoed themselves destroying their expensive single-serving coffee makers in response. These are the same people who think respectfully kneeling during the national anthem is a vile form of protest.
4. Pepsi introduced salted-caramel-flavored pop.
5. As further proof that the public should not be allowed to determine the names of large vessels, people in Sydney, Australia voted to name a new harbour ferry “Ferry McFerryface.”
6. Supergirl actor Jeremy Jordan claimed eating Chipotle almost killed him.
7. A flight from Doha to Bali had to make an emergency landing in India after a woman found evidence of cheating in her sleeping husband’s phone and began to assault him. Remember: If you’re gonna snoop on your sneaky man, don’t do it at 30,000 feet.
8. A Nova Scotian live-stream feed has set up a webcam documenting a popular restaurant’s donair (think gyro) spinning meat spit.
Contact T.C. Britton: [email protected]
