WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 20
RompHims are so last summer. The latest fashion must-have for fall is the Dadbag. It’s a fanny pack — and if that fact alone is not sexy enough for you right there, it’s designed to look like a belly peeking out from your shirt. Achieve the Dad bod look with this crazy realistic strap-on stomach you can stash stuff in. The Dadbag comes in several varieties with different skin tones, bellybuttons and levels of body hair! Unfortunately it’s not for sale yet — but London-based designer Albert Pukies is considering launching a campaign to fund the manufacturing and making his creation a reality. Pukies says he was inspired by the hot and hip Dad bod physique but concerned about the health risks associated with love handles. Really, dude? If you can’t attain a Dad bod with a steady diet of beer, breaded meats and lowered standards, you have to question if you really deserve a Dad bod at all.
THURSDAY, SEPT. 21
A beach near Naples, Italy had to ban children this week when several dildos mysteriously washed ashore. I’ve heard of Sex on the Beach, but this is ridiculous! Beach cleaning volunteers discovered the sex toys littering the Hermitage of Camaldoli seaside and shut that shit down to kids until the adult items could be cleaned up. Apparently the beach is a final resting place for all sorts of debris brought in by the currents, so they have no idea where these plastic penises came from. Did Pure Romance host a European cruise recently?
FRIDAY, SEPT. 22
Friday was the day to be on The Price Is Right, or at least to play hooky and stay home and watch The Price Is Right. In honor of Drew Carey’s 10th anniversary of hosting the game show (damn, it’s really been a decade since Bob Barker left us*?), the Showcase Showdown wheel’s coveted $1 spot was worth a bonus of $10,000 instead of $1,000. In the unlikely event that someone would spin a $1 twice, they’d get an additional $25,000. Well, some sneaky contestants must have rigged the wheel because that bitch was turning out $1 spins left and right. The wheel landed on it five times in a row, with one contestant landing the $10K spot and two hitting it twice, walking away with 50 grand each. It was a Price is Right record! Either these three perfected the big wheel spin or producers orchestrated a genius marketing campaign, because this many people haven’t been talking about the show since Barker peaced out.*
*As host — Mr. Barker is still very much alive.
SATURDAY, SEPT. 23
There’s no way around it: The world has recently been dealt a particularly shitty hand in the form of natural disasters. After a particularly awful Atlantic hurricane season, an earthquake hit Central Mexico — on the 32nd anniversary of the devastating 1985 Mexico City earthquake, no less. Mother Nature is a real bitch sometimes! But in the wise words of Mr. Rogers, in times of crisis, look for the helpers. When there’s a natural disaster or act of violence, emergency responders, doctors and volunteers always emerge to lend a helping hand. And it doesn’t get more helpful, heroic and inspirational than Frida, a dog that has helped locate more than 50 people under the rubble! The labrador retriever from the Mexican Navy’s canine unit is part of a search-and-rescue team of 15 dogs outfitted with safety goggles and boots to help them navigate through wreckage. Frida has saved 12 lives this week. She’s one badass bitch! (Sorry.) Viva Frida! Mexico should make like Rabbit Hash and elect this dog as president. Actually, can America?
SUNDAY, SEPT. 24
Keeping Up With the Kardashians has officially been on the air for a decade. Way to go, humans! Thirteen seasons, three weddings, five pregnancies, three divorces and countless plastic surgery procedures later, audiences are still kaptivated by this krew. Kase in point: The internet is a-buzz over reports that the youngest spawn of Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, is pregnant. The rumor mill says Kylie and rapper boyfriend Travis Scott are expecting a baby girl due in February — one month after sis Kim and Kanye West’s third child is due… which has led to theories that Kylie is the surrogate. The news came days before the KUWTK season premiere. Way to go, Kris! Kongratulations… on this season’s storyline. Why am I reminded of The Godfather right now? “Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.”
MONDAY, SEPT. 25
Apparently office mail robots really do still exist today, and not just in the 1980s-set spy drama The Americans. The Canadian Broadcast Corporation utilizes five mailbots — named Basher, Maze Mobile, Mom, Move It or Lose It and Rasputin — in its Toronto headquarters. That is, until Oct. 1, when the office is retiring them. Canadian journalists are shook. Now, instead of being greeted by a simultaneously retro and futuristic mechanical mailman, they’ll have to retrieve their own mail like the rest of us office dwellers. Note to CityBeat big wigs: Can we get an office mailbot? Maybe just a Roomba with a mail tray glued to it?
TUESDAY, SEPT. 26
This week in questionable decisions: A German fire department was called to rescue a man whose junk got stuck in the barbell hole of a five-pound weight plate; Trump referred to Kim Jong-un as “rocket man” in his UN speech; a retired Canadian politician called the country’s environment minister Catherine McKenna “Climate Barbie”; in his new book, Tom Brady claims drinking shit loads of water prevents sunburn; and an Australian couple held their wedding ceremony in a Costco.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]
