WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 21
America is reeling after yet another national tragedy. One of the millennium’s first celebrity couple portmanteaus (lest we forget Bennifer) and the bane of Jennifer Aniston’s (fans’) existence, Brangelina is no more. Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt early this week, pulling the plug on their two-year marriage/12-year relationship, citing irreconcilable differences. Is true love just a fallacy? Naturally, rumors are swirling, and this shit is getting extra messy. Some mention Brad’s drinking, weed smoking and anger as the main reasons for the filing, suggesting that Jolie is concerned for their children’s safety. There are even reports saying that child services is investigating Brad — some going so far as to question whether he’s involved in the recently rehashed Corey Haim sex abuse scandal. Oof. Others allege Angie hired a private eye to spy on Brad on the set of his upcoming movie with Marion Cotillard and discovered that he’s having an affair with his co-star (“Justice!” screams a million Anniston devotees — Fannistons?). Also in celebrity breakup news, Abel Tesfaye of The Weeknd parted ways with his iconic dreadlocks ahead of the release of his new album. No word yet on whether the weight of his hair was cutting off circulation to his head, inspiring 2015 hit “Can’t Feel My Face,” or if he was just trying to protect his career, since the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled that it’s perfectly legal to not hire someone on the basis of them rocking locs.
THURSDAY, SEPT. 22
Two months after the company’s acquisition by Verizon, at least 500 million Yahoo accounts were revealed to have been hacked. So if you never got around to deleting your first-ever email address or completely forgot about that burner account (surely no one actually still uses Yahoo as their main email account, right? Grandma?), it’s time to check in on that. Good luck remembering that old password from 2001. Another bit of news your grandma might be interested in: Panera salads are “pretty darn good.” That’s according to local Enquirer reviewer Polly Campbell, who has apparently stooped to covering fast-casual regional chains.
FRIDAY, SEPT. 23
The 2016 MacArthur Fellows, aka recipients of the so-called “genius grants,” were announced this week. Daryl Baldwin, a linguist and cultural preservationist from Miami University, is one of the 23 honorees. Not included on the list are: a very confused and spited Kanye West; the creators of UberEATS, which just rolled out in Cincinnati, meaning you can have macarons delivered to your door now; and Barb M. of Delhi, who read something she disagreed with on the internet and just continued on with her life without commenting. Here’s to celebrating the everyday heroes.
SATURDAY, SEPT. 24
Las Vegas is often described as a playground for adults, with all the gambling, open container laws and straight-up legal prostitution. But lately it’s specifically been a playground for pop stars from the ’90s. Britney Spears is amidst the Greatest Comeback of All Time (G-COAT) thanks to her Planet Hollywood residency, joining Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez and Boyz II Men in recent successful Vegas gigs. And now BSB is heading to Sin City. The Backstreet Boys have announced an upcoming residency at Planet Hollywood starting in March 2017. ALRIGHT!
SUNDAY, SEPT. 25
Today in products nobody asked for: Back to the Future-inspired high-tech Nikes will hit stores just in time for holiday shopping. The sneakers, dubbed HyperAdapt 1.0 and modeled after Marty McFly’s self-lacing Air Mags seen in Back to the Future: Part II, automatically adjust to size when placed on the foot. Buttons near the shoe’s tongue allow folks to tighten or loosen the nylon bands to fit (OK, so not actually self-tying laces) and LED lights illuminate when adjusting and when the battery is low — these puppies must be charged, about three hours for a full battery that can last about two weeks. Similarly, the company behind Snapchat, which today has been rebranded as Snap Inc., launched a line of video-recording sunglasses that feed to the social media platform. Spectacles, as they’re called, have a recording feature that documents 10 seconds at a time with a tap of the finger, filming 150 degrees and syncing the video to smartphones. They’re available in black, orange and turquoise for $130 each and look like they were pulled from the Hunger Games rejected costume pile. Together, the two can make you look like you live in a dated depiction of the future, from head to toe. Like a douchey George Jetson.
MONDAY, SEPT. 26
The first presidential debates of the season kicked off tonight at New York’s Hofstra University. They were originally set to take place at the nearby Wright State University, but the school was like, “Nah, Imma pass…” when it realized what a shitshow this was going to be (alright, it was budget and security concerns, but come on). Shockingly to many who can’t seem to avoid election news and views, it’s said that a good chunk of Americans don’t really educate themselves about the candidates and issues or decide who they’re voting for until the debates. So those new to the game were introduced to two people tonight: an ill elderly woman who this week was endorsed by The New York Times and, more surprisingly, The Cincinnati Enquirer — the first time the local paper has backed a Democrat after nearly a century of endorsing Republican presidential candidates — and the hybrid of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons and an expressive orangutan, who was recently backed by Gary Busey and begrudgingly endorsed by Ted Cruz.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 27
In memoriam: This week we said goodbye to some greats in the public eye: In addition to the tragic death of 24-year-old Miami Marlins pitcher José Fernández, who was killed in a boating accident, Do the Right Thing actor Bill Nunn died at 62 and golf legend/beverage enthusiast Arnold Palmer passed away at 87.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: [email protected]