What a Week! Sept. 28-Oct. 4

Creepy clowns have made their way to Cincinnati; Alec Baldwin made his debut as Donald Trump on 'Saturday Night Live'; the South By South Lawn festival was held at the White House.

click to enlarge Nope. - Photo: Provided
Photo: Provided
Nope.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 28

Crowdfunding pages are a great way to raise money for a charitable cause or creative endeavor. “Backers” who donate are often incentivized with prizes. So when a friend of pharma bro Martin Shkreli suddenly died and his family created a page to raise money for his sick son, Shkreli auctioned off an unforgettable experience for one big spender: the opportunity to beat the shit out of him. A Florida woman named Kelly donated $50,000 to the fund to punch Shkreli (who offered to match her donation) in the face. But does such a charitable act make Shkreli somewhat less punchable? Not so fast — the woman soon reneged on her offer, disappearing from Twitter. Now if there’s a crowdfunding page set up for her funeral expenses, we all know who is responsible.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 29

In Other Words, the Portland, Ore. bookstore/feminist cultural hub and real-life version of Portlandia’s Women and Women First, literally told Portlandia to fuck off this week, saying the show is responsible for transmisogyny, racism, gentrification, queer antagonism and the devaluation of feminist discourse — which is probably the most Portland critique ever. They also claim to have lost money by letting the hipster sketch show film there. Now, we’ve never been to IOW, but something tells us the show could throw them 50 bucks and more than make up for any potential lost sales. Even regular mass-appeal bookstores are more of a place to drink coffee and use WiFi these days. RIP bookstores.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 30

Fall lovers across the Tristate are freaking out over the calendar changing to October: Sip those PSLs! Pumpkin patches and apple orchards abound! Halloween costume planning mode in full effect! But like every holiday lately, some folks are celebrating too early and taking things too far. Enter attacks of the killer, vaguely creepy clowns! Clown sightings across the country have incited 911 calls over the past few months, and they’ve finally made their way to Greater Cincinnati. Reading and Mount Notre Dame schools closed Friday after a woman in the neighborhood reported being grabbed and threatened by a man in clown garb just outside her home. (She later admitted to lying about the incident because she was late for work.) The It guerilla marketing campaign gone rogue has reached peak cray!

SATURDAY, OCT. 01

Saturday Night Live’s 42nd season premiered this week, and it was actually really funny! New season, new cast changes, new writers — good job, SNL. Alec Baldwin, 16-time SNL host (he actually holds the record), made his debut as Donald Trump after it was announced earlier this week that he was tapped to take over the role. (Yes, we did report last week that Darrell Hammond would be continuing his roles as Trump (and announcer), but the Baldwin news didn’t drop until Wednesday, after the issue went to print, and “Stop the press!” isn’t a real thing. #PrintMediaProblems.) Some people questioned the decision (he doesn’t really look like Trump), but of course the man behind Jack Donaghy knows how to pick up on the nuances of rich, delusional conservative New Yorkers. Elsewhere, host Margot Robbie slayed, The Weeknd rocked new music and a new ’do, Michael Che casually slipped in the N word and Leslie Jones called in Elliot (Pete Davidson) from Mr. Robot to find the culprit behind the leaking of her personal info and nude photos by shitty troll hackers this summer. Keep on making that lemonade, girl.

SUNDAY, OCT. 02

Kim Kardashian was staying in a luxury apartment in Paris for Fashion Week when armed intruders robbed, bound and held her at gunpoint after gaining access to the building in the middle of the night. She was left physically unhurt but understandably sacred shitless, and the ski-masked crew made off with more than $10 million in jewelry. Kanye West found out about his wife’s situation during a New York concert Sunday, which he ended in the middle of a song, announcing a family emergency. Some say Kim’s constant self-documentation, often detailing what she’s wearing and her whereabouts, made her an easy target. But did the reality star really deserve such an attack? Judging by the internet’s response, folks are forgetting that just because she is 75 percent filler injections does not mean she’s not 100 percent human.

MONDAY, OCT. 03

President Obama has been seeing all those before-and-after presidency photos you’ve been retweeting. And while it’s a hilarious way to explain how you feel on Friday night versus Monday morning, it probably stings a little for old Barry! Everyone in your country talking about how old and gray and tired and sullen you look, ya know? So he called on Malia, channeled his inner 22-year-old and threw what the kids are calling a festie on the White House’s South Lawn Monday. South By South Lawn, a festival celebrating ideas, art and action inspired by Austin, Texas’ South By Southwest music festival, featured performances by Common and The Lumineers, a climate change chat with Leonardo DiCaprio and Barack and Joe friendship bracelet temporary tattoos. No word yet on whether the latest strain of Molly named Michelle made its rounds.

TUESDAY, OCT. 04

As liberal media’s influence continues to seep into schools by making the Pledge of Allegiance illegal (not happening) and forcing children to adopt a vegan lifestyle (or simply no longer allowing ketchup to count as a fruit) some can take comfort in the fact that schools are still teaching children that Christopher Columbus discovered America — albeit by accident, nevermind the fact there there were already people here. But soon, the city of Cincinnati might not be able to say the same. A proposal this week encouraged the city to officially recognize Indigenous Peoples’ Day, a sort of protest celebration to promote Native American culture and history. Cincinnati could follow cities like Denver, Seattle and Minneapolis in celebrating the holiday, becoming the first city in Ohio to do so. If passed, the city would no longer recognize Columbus Day and replace it with IPD. “What about ICP Day?” a single Juggalo cried out in the distance.


CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters @citybeat.com

Scroll to read more Opinion articles

Newsletters

Join CityBeat Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.