Wind Is the Worst

Think about all the things wind does to you: makes you cold, blocks your movement, messes up your hair, makes noise, etc.

People have been talking a lot lately about the recent wave of crappy winter weather, and rightfully so: It snowed in March and everyone is pissed about it. But what people don’t realize while conversing about how much the weather sucks is that the temperature isn’t the worst part — the wind is really the problem.

Think about all the things wind does to you: makes you cold, blocks your movement, messes up your hair, makes noise, etc. It actually kind of hurts during really cold days, but even on warm, spring days wind does all kinds of bad things that we don’t even think about. Sometimes wind can blow against your car with so much force that it causes you to gradually move into the wrong lane if you’re not paying enough attention to turn the steering wheel and drive against it. Wind blows shit over, with no regard to the stuff underneath it. One time wind blew a tree down and it landed on my friend’s Acura.

Wind is by far the worst element. I’m not even sure how many elements there are or how exactly they each affect humans. I don’t care. Nothing is as annoying as wind. You can barely even walk around on a really windy day. The wind forces you to do extra work JUST TO WALK. That’s great. Now walking somewhere makes you tired. It’s the equivalent of an element that makes the road uphill in every direction you turn. Like you’re standing in the bottom of a giant cone like a fucking idiot. “I guess I’ll lean really far forward and start making my way up this flat street now!”

You would think that being downtown among a bunch of tall buildings would help reduce the effect of wind. Nope. I think it makes the wind worse, like when you put your thumb over the end of a hose to increase the force of the water coming out. Real funny, buildings, thanks for spraying me in the face with wind. Being on the top of a hill is even worse. I don’t even want to talk about it.

One of the biggest reasons wind sucks is that you can’t even see it. Sometimes you can hear it, which is really annoying: Uh oh, I hear some wind, too bad I have no idea which direction it’s coming from because IT’S FUCKING INVISIBLE!

Have you ever thought about what a tornado actually is? Uh, it’s basically just a huge amount of uncontrollable wind. Enough swirly, twisting wind to smash the shit out of anything. It sounds like a train and can flip cows up into the air.

That’s just great.

And the only advice people ever get about tornadoes is to lay in a ditch. I’m sure that’s going to work. You go lay in that ditch and hope the tornado jumps over you. I’ll be over this way running and screaming.

And don’t even get me started on people whose recreational interests involve wind. Flying a kite is the stupidest thing anyone has ever done, and it was probably only invented by some mean mother or father to get the kids out of the house during days when the wind was so bad that no one wanted to go outside.

“I know it’s windy, Sally, but check out this pillowcase I tied to a string … why don’t you go outside and see if it can lift you up off the ground?”

The only other thing I can think of that people use wind for is to sail boats, which is pretty fucking stupid (get a motor).

Let’s say you’ve already checked your weather app (windy days are designated by a bunch of arrows pointing back and forth), realized there was going to be wind outside that day and then decided, “Screw it, I’m going outside in the wind.”

You put on your “windy day” clothes — probably something uncomfortable that looks really bad like a paper-thin jacket or long-sleeved T-shirt — and go outside. Do you know what’s going to happen once you go out into the wind and try to do something?

You’re just going to get pissed, first at how much more annoying the wind is than you expected and second at how stupid you look with your hair all messed up while wearing an ugly shirt or jacket you probably got for free.

The worst part of the whole thing is that there’s nothing you can do about wind. You can’t see it coming, you can’t really block it and you can’t pretend it’s not making you mad. Wind makes everyone mad and then they’re not as nice to each other as they would be if the weather were mild.

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]

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