Witnessed from My Apartment in Northside

So … apparently homeless men use our back courtyard as their neighborhood self-service bar. For several days in a row, upon first moving in, I would come back from brunch shenans or some other stuffing-my-mouth-hole activity (boozing) only to find one or several dudes sitting at our outside table knocking back a couple.

WTF, guys?! —-

I think I’m going to open a bar back there to fully service the vagrant population. ‘Tis already a hip spot.

Last Friday night, Yusef and I sat in the window and watched a dude puke on his own arm outside of Bronz and then proceed to sit in it … later to be found face-down on the sidewalk and presumed dead. People just stood around laughing at him and kicking him. I pondered calling 911 for a min, but eventually a van showed up with people who could only be described as parental units to pick him up. ‘Twas kinda hilarious, upon realization that he wasn’t actually dead, that someone had called his parents, who then laboriously shoved him into a minivan against his drunken will.

We also saw a dude in a sweet-ass pair o’ sheer purple tights with nothing but a thong on underneath. His ass looked like two perfectly formed grapes, complete with crack down the middle. AWESOMETOWN! Yusef was repulsed whilst I insta-craved fruit salad. The kind my grandma used to make.

Early on, somebody had left us a nice pair o’ black orthopedic-type dress shoes in our courtyard. They weren’t hanging from a wire, though, so I don’t know if that means anything or not? Someone has since re-claimed them.

Weird.

Everybody and their brother seems to think that our alley is a public thruway shortcut to Hamilton Avenue from Kluxton Alley and beyond. It didn’t help that no one had lived here for four months or so prior, therefore it’d been fair game for everything, with no one complaining about it up until now. I’d like to hire a troll (or a midget) to start collecting tolls.

Toll Troll!

We have enacted new signage measures and have done our fair share o’ yelling, so thru-traffic seems to have died off substantially. Plus, I think all o’ the bums have passed on the word to their fellow drinking buddies that their favorite outdoor hangout is now off limits. They had the perfect little setup going down for a while back there, and it was smart of ‘em to use it cuz no one can see behind our fence.

I shudder to think about what kind o’ sexual escapades had gone down back there in the courtyard’s un-patrolled heyday.

Our additional new policy is to have a bucket o’ water on hand to dump on people’s heads as they go by, and super soakers will be procured.

Wino Way is ours, biiiiiiiiaaaaatches!

Tonight the Bunk Spot has their Bunk Campout going down.‘Tis an urban campout featuring the live music of Everthus the Deadbeats, The Happy Maladies and Matthew Shelton and the fake reality of an indoor forest construction. It’s being touted as: “All the pleasures of the forest … in a warehouse.” SOLD!

Also tonight, Mansions & Bitches present CROOK$ and ROBBER$ at the C&D and suggest you “Bust out your ski masks, eye masks, striped clothing, fake mustaches, fake beards and money sacks with those HUGE $$$ on them!!!”

Cash Flagg, Wake the Bear and True Womanhood (dumb band name alert!) play Northside Tavern, and The Comet hosts Wiley and the Checkmates with DJ Bryan Dilsizian.

Saturday night is the Northside Music Festival with The Lions Rampant, Kim Taylor, Culture Queer, J. Dorsey Blues Band, Caterpillar Tracks, State Song, Chocolate Horse and Wonky Tonk playing the front and back bars, in addition to the outside of the Northside Tavern. Things kick off at 7 p.m. on the patio!

Southgate House has a CEA showcase featuring The Harlequins, Knife the Symphony, The Whitney Barricklow Band, Chakras and The Flux Capacitors. Modern Ache, Tumeric and Purple No. 7 play The Comet.

I heart Northside!

I really do.

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