Worst Week Ever!

Another seven days of monkey attacks and casino money

Aug 27, 2008 at 2:06 pm

With gay marriage now legalized in certain liberal, left-wing, radical, God-hating states in America, many companies are taking advantage of the expensive formality that is an American wedding. The Kansas City Star reported today that Hallmark is the latest company to market to the gay wedding industry, introducing four gay congratulation cards to its line of more than 200 mass-produced symbols of affection. Hallmark says it has always offered really vague cards so people could congratulate gay lovers without having to rewrite the word husband or scratch off the photo of the bride but that the direct acknowledgment of homosexuality has pleased gay wedding attendees and a surprising number of dumb white guys who buy the gay cards as jokes.

The AP reported today that Republican presidential candidate John McCain is either too rich or too stupid to know how much stuff he and his wife own. When asked by a political Web site called Politico.com how many homes in the world have welcome mats in front of them that say "The McCains," the 72-year-old stuttered and acted weird, as if he seriously didn't know: "I think — I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." The Obama campaign quickly responded, releasing a TV ad later in the day that showed McCain and his wife playing Monopoly drunk while wearing formalwear and spitting champagne on each other.

A Kentucky man's recent visit to the Cincinnati Zoo included an interactive experience that he didn't expect or appreciate. According to The Enquirer, 41-year-old Noel Green got out of his car in the zoo parking lot and saw a 3-foot-tall black monkey standing a few feet away, so he decided to tell on the animal for breaking out. But before he could, the 37-year-old white-handed gibbon named Euell latched on to his leg and chomped him, slightly breaking the skin.

Euell has lost his outdoor privileges forever, according to the zoo, which had allowed the monkey to swing around in real trees during his 14-year imprisonment.

The fallout from Barack Obama's choice of Joe Biden as his vice presidential nominee has gone beyond just the Hillary Clinton supporters who hate him and the Republicans who hate everyone. A dork Web site called betanews.com reported today that many Obama supporters are sad that they didn't receive the VP text message until after the news was already reported. One commenter at myheromymanbarackobama.com wrote a lengthy story about spending all day with her cell phone flipped open only to hear the news from her boyfriend, who saw it on TV and ruined the surprised by texting her: "It's Hillary! J/k just some old white dude :)"

A group of well-educated and respected Americans have banded together to stop one of the tyrannies of the 20th century: the 21-year-old drinking age. Presidents of more than 100 colleges (even good ones, too, like Dartmouth!) have formed a movement to encourage a healthy discussion of whether punishing 20-year-olds for being drunk is really fair or actually kind of uncool. The concept of allowing free will to such an unpredictable age group prompted a disappointed and angry response from college administrators who oppose an age-limit reduction, one of whom said some of her school's sophomores are the dumbest kids in the world and if they got three beers in them they'd probably drive downtown looking for whores and people to fight.

Today is not a good day for people who work in smoke shops, like the band Phish or spent high school covering up marijuana smoke in their bedrooms by burning incense. A new scientific study by a university in Denmark says that certain carcinogenic substances result from burning anything and the stuff that results from burning incense can cause cancerous problems and should be avoided. The study suggests that anyone who regularly burns incense — hippies, Deadheads and people who listen to white rappers, specifically — should consider other ways to mask the smells they're hiding but stopped short of endorsing Febreze air freshener due to the temptation for certain types of people to huff it.

The pro-casino organization leading the movement for Ohio to approve a giant gaming resort has finally found a way to convince public officials to support its development: offering cash money. The Enquirer today reported that MyOhioNow.com has detailed how the $240 million in projected annual revenue will be split among Ohio counties, and Hamilton County administrators are already thinking about how sweet it would be to have an extra $15.7 million a year to invest in public safety and economic development. County Commissioner Pat DeWine has argued against the plan, citing social costs and moral high ground, but Todd Portune said DeWine is only against it because he went to Las Vegas once and Wayne Newton called him a bulimic Woody Harrelson in front of a bunch of people.

Contact Danny Cross: [email protected]