Worst Week Ever!

Another seven days of defending the moral fabric (latex)

WEDNESDAY AUG. 13
Bad news for white people: A new study by the government says that whites will no longer make up a majority of Americans by 2042. And by 2050 the whites will be down to 46 percent, with Hispanics increasing from 15 to 30 percent and African Americans staying about the same during this time (15 percent). Researchers have attributed the slowed Caucasian growth rate to young white people realizing their privileges and freedoms and deciding not to fuck them up by having children. The result is an aging population of Baby Boomers hoping to die before the minorities take control of America and seek revenge for all the bad stuff they did in the 1950s.

THURSDAY AUG. 14
A liberal singer/songwriter has sued the John McCain campaign and the Ohio and national Republican committees for using his song to make fun of Barack Obama in a TV ad. The AP reported today that the advertisement, created by the Ohio Republican Party, uses the lyrics to Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" to mock Obama's decision to fight high gas prices by giving people automobile maintenance advice. The Obama campaign pointed out that the song's chorus says, "In '65 I was 17 and running up 101/ I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on," which sounds more like a certain RV-cruising Republican candidate who's eligible for AARP benefits and confused about how to properly inflate his tires.

FRIDAY AUG. 15
With issues such as high gas prices and the housing crisis worrying America and Cincinnati's West Side, U.S. Rep. Steve Chabot has decided to take on a more important issue: a health clinic moving to a new building near a high school. The Enquirer today reported that Chabot has been spending thousands of dollars to make sure West Siders know he's against Planned Parenthood moving closer to West High where it will "threaten the moral fabric of the West Side" with its free condoms and cheap birth control. Representatives for the clinic say they don't need zoning permission for the three-mile move, they don't do abortions and maybe Chabot would get re-elected without using gimmicks if he didn't look like Darth Vader without his helmet on.

SATURDAY AUG. 16
Now that the California gay marriage protesters are busy collecting signatures to have the recently legalized union between two humans banned, celebrity gays are starting to have their own celebrations of lifelong love and devotion. Us Magazine reported today that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossia got married in an intimate ceremony at their Beverly Hills home, and their mothers were in attendance to prove that being gay doesn't necessarily ruin a parent's life. The highly-publicized union is poised to influence the gay rights movement far beyond the gay rights vs. special rights debate, according to gay analysts who say that a rich 50-year-old marrying a super hot 35-year-old is evidence of similarity between homosexual and heterosexual relationships.

SUNDAY AUG. 17
Republicans are finding out what it's like to be the minority in the House of Representatives, and some have turned to grassroots style politics to have their voices heard by Democrats. The Enquirer today reported that Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis is the latest House Republican to take part in a letter-writing campaign involving the mailing of constituents' gas receipts to Nancy Pelosi in California as a symbol of the pain and suffering that Kentuckians endure because Democrats won't let oil companies drill in the Gulf of Mexico. Pelosi released a statement after receiving the first batch of Sunoco receipts, deriding Davis for not appreciating how much cheaper gas is in Kentucky.

MONDAY AUG. 18
Pervez Musharraf quit being president of Pakistan today, just a year after telling his country that there was no way in hell it could get him to stop being the leader. According to the AP, the resignation was brought on by plans by the country's parliament to impeach Musharraf, who's gone by the playful nickname "Perv" in his home country ever since seizing power in a 1999 military coup. As a staunch ally of the U.S. war on terror and its fight against unfair global distribution of unrefined oil, Perv often received blame for his country's militant violence. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Perv's future is an internal Pakistani issue but praised him as a freedom fighter, moral leader and amazing lover.

TUESDAY AUG. 19
A new study out of the University of Kentucky found that people still enjoy playing bingo even if they're not allowed to smoke cigarettes while doing so. The Enquirer today reported that the study by the UK college of Public Health found that revenues from bingo — a popular social contest involving numbers, letters and the excitement of waiting — were down across the state, but that other factors like the poor economy and high gas prices contributed as much or more than the banning of cancerous smoke indoors.


Contact Danny Cross: [email protected]
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