Worst Week Ever!: June 8-14

Cincinnati leaders to pave all the roads for cars and not bikes; Hulkster pile drives Gawker; former President Carter likes science and also unbelievable religious tales; LinkedIn loves you.

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Cincinnati Makes Progress on Road Rehab Plan, Anticipates Whiny Bike Riders

Our fair city used what felt like the first real week of summer to start off its six-year $109 million Capital Acceleration Plan, an effort designed to resurface roads and replace city vehicles that are probably still working just fine but could be replaced by newer, more expensive models. The plan also focuses on “preventive road maintenance,” which sounds preposterous because nobody can tell where a pothole will hatch until it does, and that’s just the way she goes. In a release, City Manager Harry Black said that “this strategic investment in our roadways and infrastructure will serve as the foundation of Cincinnati’s sustained long-term growth.” This all sounds good to local folks who don’t like breaking pieces off of their cars or crashing, but the plan isn’t perfect yet. City Hall hasn’t done very much to implement the ideas proposed within the Bicycle Transportation Plan, which isn’t a surprise since Mayor John Cranley looks like he has never been on a bike before when he takes a few minutes to pose for a photograph on one, and his administration doesn’t support on-street bike infrastructure. Cranley would like to wait a few more months before unveiling his new plan to appease bikers who don’t want to get killed by drivers, which is centered around the idea of reopening the subway tunnels, inviting everyone to ride through them and digging a hundred-foot-deep trench in the middle for them all to fall into and never emerge from to do more complaining.

Hulkster’s p0wning of Gawker Media Now Official; Bankruptcy Imminent

One would think that putting clandestinely obtained footage of someone having sex on the internet without the subject’s permission is a sleazy thing to do that could also get you sued to the moon and back. The bright minds at Gawker Media now know this with certainty, after they filed for bankruptcy this week because Hulk Hogan wore a du rag to court and the judge was like “hell yeah” and gave him damn near every penny the company had. It now appears that any further attempts to denigrate Cincinnati chili will have to be done from somebody’s WordPress blog, but the Midwest-hating staff of Gawker will have to postpone those literary efforts until the writer’s block that came along with realizing that the part of Hulk Hogan’s entrance song that states “when it comes crashing down/and it hurts inside” must have been written about them and that the retired wrestler must be some sort of leg-dropping traveler of time and space.

Former Leader of the Free World Pays Visit to Newly Constructed Abomination

For a long time people have been making fun of how stupid the Ark Encounter — brought to you by the same scientific-minded folks behind the Creation Museum — is. Everyone who thinks this new tourist attraction for people who don’t believe in dinosaurs or much of anything else that isn’t detailed in a multi-millenia-old religious text is a bad idea will be able to continue making snide remarks about it, but the ark is scheduled to open to the public on July 7 irregardless, as people who don’t believe in evolution often like to say. While those who chortle about the type of visitor the Ark Encounter will attract continue to do so, they must now at least acknowledge that former President Jimmy Carter toured the place and did a great job of placating all humans by speaking in politician, saying that “as a scientist, I believe in evolution. But all things are possible through the divine power of God. And whenever there is a conflict, I turn to the words of Jesus Christ.” Park officials were ecstatic to host Carter and his wife this past week and in their excitement also struck upon the great idea of inviting Barack and Michelle Obama to the site in a few years if attendance is sagging and money isn’t rolling in like they thought it would so they can blame them for the Ark Encounter’s fiscal failure.

Wealthy Scion Auctions Off Chance to Eat Lunch with Him to Benefit Charity

Warren Buffett is a very rich older man who aspiring rich people look up to with great admiration. An anonymous donor last week was so enamored with Buffet’s money-making skills that he or she spent $3.5 million for the opportunity to eat lunch with him. Proceeds from this meal of a lifetime will be used to benefit a San Francisco charity, which is a good thing. However, organizers told the auction winner that the steakhouse meal with Warren will be a quick one, so the anonymous donor must decide if they want to use their time together to make a dad joke about “All You Can Eat Buffett” or ask him how the world can ever get to a point where widespread suffering and huge charity endeavors are a thing of the past, along with income inequality so morbidly skewed that some people can spend more than three mil on a meal and others don’t have a roof over their heads or food to eat.

Annoying Job Website Purchased by Annoying Tech Giant

Those of us who have ever looked real hard to find a place to work know that LinkedIn is a real pain in the ass and much more adept at showing you opportunities to volunteer or offering stupid articles by people about things to do or not do when you do have a job (which actually makes sense because, once hired, people focus on the sucky job they have and little else). Microsoft last week purchased LinkedIn, and while tech industry experts haven’t yet learned all of the changes that the Bill Gates Machine will bring about once it takes ownership of LinkedIn, its leaders reportedly plan to add persistent notifications about upgrading to a newer system to the existing notification system, which was designed to trick you into thinking someone wants to hire your ass when it’s really just the site asking for your contacts so it can annoy and spam them, too.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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