Local Woman Earns Chance to Show Nation What Cincinnatians are Really Like
Cincinnatians love them some reality television. Whether it’s watching or participating, this type of programming grabs our attention for some reason. This week, The Enquirer interviewed a lady described as an “East Hyde Park resident” who is taking part in American Grit, brought to you by the good folks at Fox. Most readers didn’t know that the upper crust of Hyde Park now takes things a step further in their elitism by describing what part of Hyde Park they reside in or what the show is about, so two birds/one stone for all parties involved in this riveting story! Apparently, the show is hosted by a wrestler and involves civilians learning how to do challenging outdoor stuff from military people, who are our heroes. Out of a pool of 16 contestants, the team of four that does the best will share a million-dollar prize. Results of the show won’t be known for a few months, but oddsmakers fear that the Hyde Park contestant will be a longshot to win because she will likely ask too many of the other contestants about what high schools they went to.
Fate of Historic Building to be Debated for a While Longer
Urban preservation is very important when you have old things to preserve. Unfortunately, far-fetched plans about luring Fortune 500 companies to new office towers and providing more parking spaces throughout historical districts tends to matter more to the moneyed individuals and groups with enough clout to decide on such matters. That’s where Cincinnati is presently in its debate over whether the 124-year-old Dennison Hotel building on Main Street should be preserved or “pre-smashed” for parking spaces. Designed by Samuel Hannaford (who brought you hits like City Hall and Music Hall) as a carriage-building factory, the structure’s fate was supposed to be sealed with an application to tear it down by its owners, the car-selling Joseph family. This measure has been postponed until the end of May while people try to figure out if the proposed razing is just an attempt to keep the poors away (which the building owner’s lawyers actually suggested in a court filing, so maybe that’s not what people are wondering about). In the meantime, preservationists are pursuing other paths to save the Dennison without incurring the wrath of the powerful and purely benevolent agents of 3CDC, including proposing that hipsters in the area may soon favor carriages over cars, which could make preserving the building to serve its initial function a prudent idea.
Female College Students Receive Helpful Advice from Dipshit Governor
Gov. John Kasich this week let America know that he hasn’t heard of Leelah Alcorn, the local transgender teen who committed suicide last year, and then gave some classic victim-blaming advice to a woman at a Watertown, N.Y. town hall event who asked how the pipe-dream presidential candidate would address sexual assaults on college campuses. Kasich could have stopped after his awkward advice to victims to “pursue justice once you’ve had an opportunity to reflect on it all” but instead opted to tell the ladies out there, “I’d also give you one bit of advice: Don’t go to parties where there’s a lot of alcohol.” Since Kasich is touted as a more moderate Republican than his competition, he also sharpened this point by explaining that women shouldn’t avoid parties just because the state’s highest legislative official believes it’s their own damn fault if they’re sexually assaulted, pointing out that he knows women who go to Tupperware parties which helps them get better at their womanly duties as well.
Summer to Occur Despite Invasion of Biblical Insects
1999 was a great year. It’s hard to remember specifics about it, but it wasn’t the present, so 1999 seems warm and welcoming in many ways. After all, our civil liberties hadn’t yet been set ablaze and bank-shotted into a dumpster, and America didn’t have to worry about Donald Trump becoming president and getting the whole world nuked. Looking back, it’s easy to forget that the summer of 1999 included red-eyed, satanic-looking cicadas buzzing all over the goddamn place, which led some of our savvier citizens to walk the streets with tennis rackets and other bug-smashing tools for self-defense. Ohio’s cicadas are part of Brood V, one of 14 broods that emerge in different areas of the U.S.A. every 17 years. Adult cicadas only live two to four weeks after emerging, at which point they mate and lay rice-sized eggs wherever they can. After hatching, cicada babies burrow underground where they’ll lie dormant until 2033. During this period of time, adolescent cicadas will only be slightly less useful than human children between the ages of zero and 17.
Wacky Brits Come up with Delightful Name for Vessel
America knows that British humor is sometimes too laden with puns and not funny, but when our former colonial oppressors get a joke right, they really square up on it. An example from the past week is how England’s Natural Environment Research Council poll on what to name a 129-meter-long icebreaker boat resulted in the thing being christened the “R.R.S. Boaty McBoatface,” which is a splendid option for a $300 million polar research ship. Boaty McBoatface won the naming contest over more traditional options like naming it after British explorers of yesteryear. Locally, City Council members are looking to this Land of Fish and Chips naming process and wondering how they can go about renaming the streetcar system in some way that is disparaging to Mayor John Cranley and/or the Pittsburgh Steelers.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
