Black Person Elected Mayor in Missouri Town, Cops Resign
Missouri keeps on making the news in ways that portray the Show Me State as a place where it seems like all it specializes in is showing the rest of the world that race relations within its borders seem to be similar to how they were back in the days of cross burnings and white people ruining perfectly good pillow cases by cutting eyeholes into them. The latest example of the unfortunate racism reared its head in the tiny town of Parma, Mo., where a black woman named Tyus Byrd was recently elected and sworn in as mayor. Instead of celebrating Byrd’s election, Parma’s city attorney, city clerk, water treatment supervisor and five of its six police officers quit, citing “safety concerns.” None of the individuals who reasoned that a black mayor made their jobs too unsafe to continue made themselves available to the press to explain exactly how this works, leaving Mayor Byrd upset that her community had given the rest of the country more reason to dislike Missouri aside from how smarmy Cardinals fans are.
Pets Deserve to Get Uncomfortably High on Edibles for Putting Up with Humans on a Daily Basis
Decriminalization of marijuana is going to happen all across the USA soon and make the present era seem similar to the last two or three years before stupid Prohibition ended back in the 1930s. But ever since Colorado and other states have legalized the drug and started raking in tax dollars for doing so, other states are like “Guys, let’s stop being poor and follow suit.” Pot acceptance is moving forward at such a rapid pace that the drug is even being packaged and sold for pet use — marijuana edibles for pets are intended to act as anti-inflammatory and pain relief supplements. These treats won’t have your dog listening to shitty Jam bands, though, since they consist of CBD, a non-psychoactive component of the weed plant. Veterinarians believe these pet treats are useful and can relieve suffering in ailing pooches, though a spokesperson for dogs everywhere has asked scientists to look into producing THC-laden treats for healthy dogs that might struggle with the day-to-day mundanity of eating the same food at every meal and having to listen to adults use stupid voices when speaking to them.
Miami University Students Make News for Being Dumb and Racist
No matter what else the school accomplishes, Miami University students can’t seem to go more than a few years without some sort of vulgar behavior sullying their reputation. With this in mind, you’d think the college would do away with billboards and other wall items that students could deface with racist comments. Despite appearing to be a harbinger for such idiocy by seemingly intelligent young people, people at Miami still have billboards and the leaders of tomorrow are still scrawling various racist words and phrases on them. The two scholars who this time defaced the board, which was intended to serve as an events calendar for students, had included swastikas and rape references. The students have since left the school, and Butler County prosecutor Michael Gmoser says he won’t charge either of the dumbasses because the words weren’t really directed at anyone, just repugnantly written for all to see. Gmoser reportedly considered forcing the students to go visit The Freedom Center here in Cincinnati to get a little more perspective on how stupid what they did was but then remembered that the last time Miami students went to there they got kicked out for puking and peeing all over inside of it.
FBI, Justice Department Admit Past 10 Years of Hair Analysis was All Messed Up
When government experts testify against you in trial, you most likely are going to prison. After all, if someone with a fancy title from the FBI or the Justice Department says your hair was found at a crime scene, no juror is going to be like, “Well, maybe they just made that up and the defendant is being railroaded by overzealous prosecutors and attorneys.” Sadly, it looks like this might be exactly what has been going on in America for quite some time. The FBI and Justice Department have admitted that almost all of their “elite” examiners gave testimony that was not reflective of the truth between the 1980s and 2000. Twenty-six of 28 examiners from the FBI laboratory’s microscopic hair comparison unit were found to have presented evidence in a fashion that favored prosecutors instead of, you know, actually being true. Out of these cases, 32 defendants have been sentenced to death and 14 of have already been executed or died while serving time in prison. Fortunately, most of the people who end up getting killed by the state or at least imprisoned for their natural lives for crimes they did not commit are poor so society won’t have to hear about the impact of the government’s bumbling for very long, if at all.
Reds Manager Bryan Price Is Sick of His Fucking Job
Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price has plenty of problems these days, from multiple relievers blowing 8th inning leads multiple days in a row to the (multiple) catchers he’s had to bring up from the minors because Devin Mesoraco’s hip hurts. This week Price responded to the stress by using multiple expletives in an epic rant about how media coverage of his players not being at the stadium with the rest of the team is making it harder for him to strategically not use the players in the games the team is losing. The Enquirer didn’t take kindly to Price’s five and a half minute rant directed toward its reporter, publishing the entire transcript, which included 77 F-bombs and 11 versions of the word “shit.” An early version of the story even had the phrase “five-minute, 34-second tirade” in there twice, as if an editor were copying and pasting it all over the article to see where it might make Price look the dumbest. That early version also promised to post audio of the rant, but it never happened, presumably because
Reds content is worth more to The Enquirer than 5,000 copy editors
Price later apologized via the Reds Twitter account.
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