Worst Week Ever! April 20-April 26

Cracker Jack modernizes toy prizes to appeal to today's brats who have everything; UK warns citizens about the worst states in America and more. Plus, see those train tracks? Don't park on them!

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click to enlarge What is this, some type of train?
What is this, some type of train?

They Don’t Just Look Beautiful; Indian Hill Residents Are Happy, Too

Most Cincinnatians don’t know that much about the Village of Indian Hill because they never go there because they do not belong. It’s a land of mystery and shiny things made of the purest gold. Thanks to the good folks of Zippia, a very trustworthy and professional-sounding career website, the hoi polloi now know a little bit more about the mysterious and beautiful people of this fair village. According to some research, they are the happiest humans in the state of Ohio. This was quantified by calculating criteria including education, having a job, commute time, home ownership, poverty rates and other things that rich people don’t like having to look at. At Indian Hill’s next village council meeting, hologram Carl Lindner is expected to make an appearance to be honored for his contribution to the neighborhood’s well-being, such as forbidding his United Dairy Farmers stores from selling condoms in order to encourage area teens whose lineages are so valuable that they should really be procreating. 

Cracker Jack Modernizes Toy Prizes to Appeal to Today’s Brats Who Have Everything

Things happen when you get old. Among them are the unhappy realizations that professional athletes are younger than you, so you reminisce and try to tell other people who don’t care about how the things and ways of yesteryear were preferable to the plastic digital synthesized society we are currently part of. Another troubling thing about getting old is realizing how the things you were made fun of for liking when you were younger (Game of Thrones books or Prince’s music, for example) are now badges of coolness, and you can’t say anything about it because you might be labeled a bitter hipster, even though nobody really knows what makes a hipster a hipster when it comes down to it. Things that have been part of American life for many years, like Cracker Jack fun-time snacks, have even had to change things up to appeal to the youth of today. After 125 years of including toy prizes in each box, the caramel popcorn producers have decided to stop doing so and are now including digital codes for online content instead. Industry insiders were alarmed by this sudden shift in product packaging but hopeful that in the next 125 years Cracker Jack can be changed to make Cracker Jacks taste good and not like something people ate with fake smiles during the Great Depression. 

See Those Train Tracks? Don’t Park on Them!

After years of blustery debate and interference by naysayers, the Cincinnati streetcar system will soon start operating and there won’t be anything the h8ers can do about it other than shake their fists or chew on their hats. To prepare for the new transit device, traffic enforcement employees for the past few weeks have warned drivers not to let their mirrors or tires obstruct the streetcar and reminding people not to park atop the tracks. Everyone in town has an unshakable opinion about the likelihood that our newest mode of mass transport will make or lose money, but believers of both outcomes agree that it might be a tougher issue to forecast than they originally thought since residents of our fair city are dumb enough to need to be told in writing not to park their vehicles on train tracks.

Solar-Powered Plane Crosses Ocean, Media Expects People to Be Excited

If it wasn’t really scary to be alive right now and we didn’t have to worry about Donald Trump somehow winning the presidential election and getting the whole world nuked to shiny glass shards for being a racist, egotistical maniac, maybe then we could focus on new technology and how it makes life better and easier for our lazy-ass species. No matter how you slice it, there are some interesting advances being made. Just this week, a solar powered plane powered by two Swiss pilots made a three-day flight from Hawaii to Silicon Valley in California without using any fuel. The pilots’ successful travels proved both what can be done without fuel and also what the human body can endure, since the pilots were only able to sleep 20 minutes at a time inside the plane’s cramped quarters. They also relied on ready-made meals during their arduous journey. After landing, the pilots remarked that aside from the lack of fossil fuels being burned, their journey was just as draining and unpleasant an experience as being a passenger on a regular commercial airliner.

UK Warns Citizens About the Worst States in America

If anyone from the U.K. travels to Mississippi or North Carolina and is appalled by how in this age of enlightenment anti-LGBTQ laws could be passed there, it isn’t the fault of the United Kingdom’s Foreign Office, which last week issued a formal warning regarding heading to these destinations. With state-sponsored discrimination endangering the safety and dignity of LGBTQ visitors, the Foreign Office’s decision to issue a blanket warning to all makes sense. The authors of this warning also deserve credit for limiting the scope of their warning to this issue and not going into lengthy diatribes about how Mississippi only exists to make other states feel better about their poverty and literacy rates or how North Carolina’s crowning jewel city of Charlotte is much hyped by residents but in reality is nothing more than an expanse of chain retailers and restaurants crowned by a bank headquarters’ skyscraper.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected] 


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