Worst Week Ever! April 28-May 5

Local University Comes Up with Exceptionally Stupid Research Idea, Courts Help to Stop It

Local University Comes Up with Exceptionally Stupid Research Idea, Courts Help to Stop It

The University of Cincinnati and every other college in the country are out of touch with students’ needs and how money works. This is OK, since going to college is a societal notch post that peoples’ parents preach the importance of, resulting in millions of young Americans enrolling each year to keep mom and dad from thinking their offspring are going to grow up to be losers. An example of UC’s lack of awareness regarding what money means to most folk was on display this week after the school had to cancel its “Drugging Study,” which was intended to gather data on the effects of drink-spiking and other forms of manipulating people into ingesting chemicals unknowingly. Two factors doomed the study from the get-go: 1) The Hamilton County Prosecutor’s Office made clear that participants who admitted to doing this vile shit would not be protected by legal privilege; and 2) UC was only trying to pay participants $40, which is about how much each chapter in most college textbooks costs. On the heels of this poorly thought-out research idea, Bearcat scientists have decided to abandon the Drugging Study and shift their focus to finding recruits to participate in upcoming studies titled, “Have You Ever Poisoned Someone?” and “Did you Ever Kill Anyone Before?”

3CDC Site Hacked by ISIS; Press Unsure if It’s OK to Make Jokes About 3CDC

Center City Development Corporation owns everything in Over-the-Rhine, and the neighborhood has been quickly transformed from somewhere non-residents would not walk the streets feeling safe to a place where you can spend as much money as you want on fancy food, home goods and gourmet pet treats. On one hand, the changes to OTR are palpable and often delicious. On the other, some debate the ethics of deeming certain demographics hindrances to a neighborhood’s transition and then pricing them out and moving them like it was part of some South Park plot. Others might even go as far as to wonder where the people who used to live in OTR live now and how they feel about moving. However, today’s focus deserves to be on the hackers who expressed solidarity with Islamic militant group ISIS, hacking 3CDC’s website and posting a script on it reading, “I am Muslim and I love Jihad. I love isis.” A spokesperson for the development/neighborhood ownership company reacted to the cyber-attack by saying, “See? We aren’t so bad!”

School Superintendent Goes to Great Lengths to Help Academically Challenged Offspring

America is a funny place in which some schools have classrooms equipped with dozens of high-dollar computers while others lack enough desks, chairs and supplies for all students. While cheating scandals kind of seem to be associated with schools in lower-income and less-white areas and presented by the media in a way that seems to blame the students, academic dishonesty occurs in all socioeconomic groups. A case of this nefarious behavior is currently being investigated at Turpin High School, where Superintendent Dallas Jackson stands accused of invalidating an exam score because his son ba-ba-bombed. These accusations were made by some justifiably pissed off and courageous teachers, who deserve to be lauded for putting their jobs on the line by calling out a person with great power over them. The scandal has exposed a deep rift between parents, teachers and administrators within the district. At the very least, teachers hope to remove the first question from the new test Superintendent Jackson proposed, which was “What football team did Emmitt Smith play for (hint: also dad’s first name)?”

NFL Player Skips Presidential Visit, Uproar Ensues but Not Over Pres Dicking Around with Jocks

Without manufactured controversy the idiots in the press wouldn’t have enough to talk about to keep the public’s attention and keep their miserable selves employed by promoting gossiping. As such: Oh my God. Did you hear that New England Patriots legend and Super Bowl champion Tom Brady skipped his team’s visit to hang with President Obama at the White House? Me neither. It’s crazy that an athlete would be too important to be seen with the leader of the free world. Brady’s reps cited a “prior family commitment” as the reason why the quarterback was unable to make the trip celebrating this year’s NFL champions. Brady’s people would not specify exactly what Brady was doing or if they were lying and his “prior family commitments” are really just a nicer way to say he is busy jet-setting with his supermodel wife, drinking champagne and burning $100 bills.

Locals to Meet with Transit Officials; Likely to Suggest Politicians Stop Messing Everything Up

When visitors from all over the world come to Cincinnati for the All-Star Game and ask what the partially completed train tracks through parts of downtown are for, make sure to tell them that the reason the streetcar isn’t done yet is because our mayor thinks it will rip the ground open and cause the entire city to sink into the earth, killing us all. Or you can tell them that it will be ready in late 2016 and it’s our fault because not enough people who want downtown to grow went out and voted during the last mayoral election. Not satisfied with just getting the rail system built, many residents plan to show up to a series of meetings held by the Southwest Ohio Regional Transit Authority to offer feedback and share what they want to see the system become. In addition to talking about fares, participants will also push the envelope by proposing expanding streetcar service up the hill to Clifton, along with expanding hours of operation. Currently, the streetcar is slated to stop running at 9 p.m. on weekdays and midnight on weekends, which is exactly when people going out to get drunk enough to take a streetcar home are leaving for the bar. Mayor John Cranley is expected to attend in order to listen to the public’s ideas on linking the system to other neighborhoods and operating until late at night to get the bar/entertainment crowd’s fare money so he can then speak out against these and any other ideas that might increase revenue. 

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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