WEDNESDAY AUG. 1
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has long been a publicity hound, enacting stupid and ineffective procedures like making inmates wear pink and broil in the Arizona heat while doing their time. Today, in a bit of role reversal, Arpaio was in court. He and his office are being sued for being super racist and doing things like telling Lou Dobbs it is “an honor” to be compared to the KKK. Arpaio told the judge he is lucky he isn’t facing hard time for being such a dick because he “knows how the inmates did Tommy Lee Jones in Natural Born Killers” and can’t imagine the fate which would await him behind bars being “any different at all.”
THURSDAY AUG. 2
The recent dry, warm weather in Cincinnati has helped construction crews make lots of progress in building the “U Square at the Loop” project, which had its groundbreaking a few months ago. WLWT today reported that the mixed retail and apartment complex in Clifton Heights is slated to open next March and be 100 percent occupied at that time. Before the music store in the development opens, it is rumored that architects will have to make minor alterations to the display racks for their wares since the original plans for the store’s layout were generated way back when the developers tore up the neighborhood and CDs still came in those huge rectangular cardboard boxes.
FRIDAY AUG. 3
A collaboration between the Columbus Dispatch, NPR and Ohio public radio revealed that students in Ohio are often isolated in cell-like structures that were designed to have a calming effect on students. The problem is that teachers sometimes use them to “punish children for minor infractions,” which is not their intended use. According to the report, there isn’t any evidence that suggests the treatment helps students. The report also suggests that teachers felt that putting students who were being little shits into the cells was a treatment that was very helpful in improving the quality of their work days.
SATURDAY AUG. 4
Local flyweight boxer Rau’Shee Warren lost in the first round at the London Games today, bumping the Cincinnatian’s record in Olympic competition to 0-3. After losing to France’s Nordine Oubaali, Warren told reporters that he lost his contact lenses in the opening round and couldn’t size up his opponent because of that. He also went on to state that he isn’t trying to make excuses for not emerging victorious, but did point out that the sun was in his eyes at the Olympic Games in Athens and that he had a headache when he lost in Beijing.
SUNDAY AUG. 5
Sometimes we say what we feel then try to act like we didn’t say that when people get up offended by how real we keep it. That’s what happened today, 10 days after former Vice President Dick Cheney told ABC News’s Jonathan Karl that John McCain’s decision to roll with Sarah Palin as his Vice President was “a mistake.” Since it is not nice to pretend that someone is stupid and unqualified, Cheney clarified his earlier remarks by instead referring to McCain’s fate-sealing choice of running mate as a “colossal fuck-up.”
MONDAY AUG. 6
The New England Journal of Medicine today reported that a 30-year-old Atlanta woman “accidentally swallowed a butter knife as she placed it in her mouth to show her friends that her gag reflex had waned.” Shockingly, the woman reported that this caused her to experience “chest discomfort.” After an endoscopy, the piece of cutlery was removed. It remains to be seen whether the white coats at the Journal will try to push for funding for further research of this ilk under the guise of unlocking more precious secrets involving the gag reflex, or just getting more people to swallow knives because that is what we think is best for them.
TUESDAY AUG. 7
Back in 1996, a man set off to show his private plane to a prospective buyer in Hilton Head Island, S.C. The buyer never showed for the appointment, and the pilot vanished on his return flight after sending out a distress call. The pilot’s daughter now believes pieces of metal found off the coast of St. Augustine, Fla., could be pieces of the long-lost plane ... which would solve the mystery of the missing man and his mode of transport’s whereabouts. This far-fetched hypothesis may prove to be true, perhaps because the last time anyone heard from the dude he was sending out an SOS while flying over the goddamn ocean, and planes usually seek lower elevations when they fall out of the sky and crash.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]