Worst Week Ever! Aug. 12-18

Jailed labor force financially benefits Clermont County; Shakespeare likely high on weed a lot; Papa John's settles with delivery drivers after shorting them for a while; Mayor Cranley appoints guy to Historic Conservation Board who loves tearing down ol

click to enlarge "To be, or not to be, at Taco Bell."
"To be, or not to be, at Taco Bell."

Jailed Labor Force Financially Benefits Clermont County; Definitely Not Cause for Concern

“A penny saved is a penny earned” is what old stupid people used to say back in the day while trying to increase morale about not having or spending money because they were poor and didn’t value having fun as much as they should have. Fortunately for Clermont County, Sheriff A.J. “Tim” Rodenberg has come across a plan to save a lot of money without really earning it. His idea is to get the people you sink the legal system’s dirty teeth into to perform menial tasks for the community for practically nothing, aside from the chance to get out of jail sooner. Sheriff Rodenberg revealed in a news release that his county saved approximately $864,000 last year by exploiting its inmate labor force in such a way. He also explained that there are even more inmates now, doing more things: “They’re out more in other county offices, around the buildings, cleaning, doing landscaping and snow removal.” Since it’s extremely difficult for convicts to land any kind of job after incarceration, Clermont County hopes the sheriff can work around this unsavory reality by continuing to develop this modern-day chattel labor system and use the savings generated to build more jail cells and promote legislative measures that will keep more residents living inside them in the future.

Shakespeare Likely High on Weed a Lot, According to Cockamamie Modern-Day Click-Bait Media

Why did William Shakespeare wear collars that made him look like some profoundly stupid dog whose owners wanted to stop him from scratching his neck because the skin was already raw? How could life have been so boring back then that what he wrote was considered entertainment? History is full of mysteries, to be sure. It’s nothing worth getting worked up over, though, since it now appears that hundreds of years after you kick the bucket people will thrust your name back into the spotlight with accusations of drug use or other things that probably aren’t true that you won’t be able to respond to. Cocaine and weed residue was reportedly found in the Ol’ Playwright’s (or whatever his nickname might have been) pipe way back in 2001, but Shakespearean experts have long disputed the notion that their literary hero did drugs. A recently released study proposes that this issue should be re-examined so that modern-day people can figure out just how much weed and blow they would have to consume to make seeing a Shakespeare play not feel almost as bad and unentertaining as attending a church service.

Papa John’s Settles with Delivery Drivers After Shorting Them for a While

Many humans who have watched Papa John’s current commercials about “summer pizza” have no clue what the hell that even means. However, a recent court settlement points to this idiotic phrase having originated from the business’ multi-state efforts to take a summer break from paying its delivery drivers all the money it owes them for driving all the pizzas around to people in the summer heat. Papa John’s International last week paid a $12.3-million settlement after 19,000 employees filed a suit alleging the company underpaid its mileage reimbursements to delivery drivers in six states. In addition to getting at least some of the money they were jobbed out of back, employees involved in this scandal have also asked Papa John’s owner John Schnatter to stop appearing in commercials because even if the director puts an innocent-seeming child or Peyton Manning next to him, he still seems like a total dickhead.

Mayor Cranley Appoints Guy to Historic Conservation Board Who Loves Tearing Down Old Buildings

Because young people who were unsure if they would be given stickers and/or the opportunity to gloat on Facebook about voting didn’t show up in Coney Town’s last mayoral election, we have spent the last few years dealing with John Cranley’s Montgomery-Burns-in-his-younger-years persona. Last week, Cranley’s right hand man, City Manager Harry Black, appointed a developer named Shree Kulkarni to a position on the city’s Historic Conservation Board even though Kulkarni once waged a two-year battle to raze a building on Fifth Street and replace it with a tiny parking lot. Kulkarni also opposed the Historic Conservation Board’s efforts to keep the Davis Furniture building in Over-the-Rhine from being demolished. Local media soon made the connection between Kulkarni the building smasher and an $8,300 donation to to Cranley’s 2013 mayoral campaign. Kulkarni has only lived in Cincinnati for eight years and likely needs more time to study our city before identifying which historical property should meet the wrecking ball next. Mayor Cranley has asked that people give his new appointee a chance to serve before judging and not to pay attention to rumors that he and Kulkarni will partner to open up the old subway tunnels and then create some sort of ruse to lead the new streetcars into them to be sealed for eternity.

Rabbit Hash Frets over Proposed Rising Star Casino Ferry Plan

Rabbit Hash, Kentucky is a quaint little riverside outpost down Boone County way where things are old-timey and their general store is much celebrated. The unincorporated town takes great pride in its identity and has always taken measures to avoid getting in a big damn hurry like the rest of the world. That’s why the Rising Star Casino’s plan to bring a ferry to more efficiently get gamblers across the river from Kentucky into Indiana like something out of a Mark Twain story has drawn concern. With this drastic encroachment into their lifestyle, the good people of Rabbit Hash have turned to local leaders for help and also tried to let everyone around here know that they could not have anticipated difficult issues such as this arising back when they opted to elect a dog to serve as mayor.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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