Worst Week Ever!: Aug. 13-19

Local leaders seeking to renovate Music Hall and Union Terminal are running into predictable problems, principally that Republican Hamilton County commissioners believe in vetting massive historical renovation projects in their basements rather than rely

Aug 20, 2014 at 9:14 am
Music Hall
Music Hall

GOP County Commissioners: Only Renovate One Dumb Old Building
Local leaders seeking to renovate Music Hall and Union Terminal are running into predictable problems, principally that Republican Hamilton County commissioners believe in vetting massive historical renovation projects in their basements rather than relying on the expertise of area CEOs who kick it with Obama. There is hope, however, that the quarter-cent sales tax proposal to fix Union Terminal will make it to the November ballot despite Cincinnatians who think our city’s history should be neglected until it crumbles successfully booting Music Hall out of the original $321 milllion proposal. The original plan, created by a task force comprised of powerful area CEOs, developers and general rich people, would have fixed up Music Hall and Union Terminal simultaneously, but Republican commissioners Greg Hartmann and Chris Monzel felt like it made more sense to stick with the museum, arguing that Union Terminal has more long-term value because some of their friends’ home-schooled kids like seeing Omnimax movies but aren’t allowed to listen to music.

Smarmy New Yorkers Write about Mason Applebee’s, Act like N.Y. Doesn’t Have Them or Walmarts
If there’s one thing you can count on The New York Times to do when forced to leave their cushy ivory towers/400-square-foot apartments to cover stories in the Midwest, it’s that they’re going to go with the slant that Flyover Country Rust Belt Ohioans enjoy eating shitty food like Applebee’s. Such was the case in a recent story about the Cincinnati Masters, a world-class tennis tournament held in Mason. Believe it or not, tennis players get hungry and enjoy eating after burning more calories during a match than many of us do in a month. This has led to many players eating there regularly over the years and for Applebee’s to go the extra mile to do things like stock Perrier water for their visiting sophisticated clientele. After the tournament ended, Mason leaders asked the Times reporters to come back and write a story about how their pleasant community isn’t some backwater town where Applebee’s is the prime attraction and that, in fact, the suburb is full of goodhearted people who strive to be as wealthy and pretentious as blue-blooded Manhattanites someday.

Training School Employees on Active Shooter Situations Deemed More Sensible Than Restricting Sales of Assault Weapons
School shootings and automatic weapons regularly ending up in the hands of the mentally ill are related problems that concern many Americans and end the lives of others. In fact, a recent survey found that more than 90 percent of Americans were not in favor of being shot to death by some psychopath for no reason. Rather than coming out in favor of restricting the availability of weapons that are specifically designed to mow down large groups of humans with the greatest of ease, the Cincinnati Police Department has decided to offer free training to school employees on what to do during active shooter situations, which has become a commonly known term in our lexicon due to just how often these killing sprees occur. The four-hour class will cover training in personal safety and vague methods of identifying a shooter before they rampage, including “observation and perceptions.” Additionally, school workers will learn each part of the ALICE program: alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate. If this crash course fails to turn local educators into combat experts, another program that might actually address the violent realities created by lack of gun control will be held, assuming a cool-sounding acronym can be created to describe it.

Luckily for Those Who Wanted Obama to Weigh in on Ferguson, He’s No Longer on Vacation
For the past week, Ferguson, Mo., has been affected by riots and the scary and militarized police response after protests and looting erupted in the wake of the shooting death of 18-year-old Michael Brown. Now that President Obama is back from ignoring the country’s problems and eating great seafood in Martha’s Vineyard, he’s decided to bring clarity to the deeply troubling situation by suggesting that people “seek to heal rather than to wound each other.” The president also weighed in on the mistrust that exists within black communities policed by largely white forces that somehow turn a jaywalking incident into a dead body left lying in the street for hours. The Big Cheese also agreed that the military equipment, tactics and attack dogs that have been present since this incident first transpired might not be contributing to the healing process. While Obama realizes that arresting reporters and tear gassing protesters each night does not run parallel to our civil rights, he would like the public to acknowledge that local police departments using army vehicles and guns bought up in ridiculous quantities for use in pointless wars we’ve waged around the world since 9/11 is kind of like recycling, which is a good thing if you really think about it.

Mom Accused of Faking Cancer Arrested on Her Way to Appear on Dr. Phil’s Fake-Ass Show
A 25-year old Illinois woman accused of scamming money out of people by leading them to believe that both she and her son have cancer was arrested while en route to make an appearance on the Dr. Phil show. The woman faces a felony charge for being an awful person and a liar. However, she is “cautiously optimistic” that charges will be reduced after the D.A. realizes she was going to see a fake doctor charlatan who has made millions of dollars by profiting off the awful stories his guests come forth to share.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]