Worst Week Ever!: Aug. 15-21

SATURDAY AUG. 18: According to ABC News, librarians at Guantanamo Bay’s prison detention center have had to order more copies of the 1990s TV show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air starring Will Smith because a lot of prisoners like watching it.

click to enlarge Freedom isn't free.
Freedom isn't free.

WEDNESDAY AUG. 15

It’s always nice to see people from around these parts succeed. Even if their careers take them elsewhere, it’s easy to take a sense of hometown pride in their accomplishments. Trey Radel once lived in Cincinnati and graduated from Elder High School. Today he won an important primary in Florida and became the Republican candidate to represent Florida’s 19th congressional district. Radel believes the education he received at Elder played an important role in preparing him for his career, though he admitted that it was a little disappointing to find out that Cincinnati is the only place in the world where people mean high school when they ask a person where they went to school.

THURSDAY AUG. 16

The Enquirer today got to check out the new Jesus statue being constructed to replace “Touchdown Jesus,” which was struck by lightning from God and burned up outside the Solid Rock Church in Monroe back in 2010. Sculptor Tom Tsuchiya noted that his new creation already has been nicknamed “Hug Me Jesus” after a blogger called it that. Shaping giant Jesus into a pose where he’s like “Come here and give Uncle Jesus a hug, it’s been a while!” was a great idea. The statue’s creator described the creative process as “closing my eyes and imagining how Jesus would look while consoling us for somehow believing that God’s only son would want his followers to spend lots of money building a gaudy statue of his likeness rather than using the money to help others.”

FRIDAY AUG. 17

In an effort to make people understand that Vince Lombardi wouldn’t piss in sinks or get into fistfights with fans of the other team if he went to a pro football game, the NFL plans on making people who get thrown out of games by security take a four-hour online class before they’re allowed into the stadium again. Approximately 7,000 people were ejected last season. In order for the online program to be most useful and similar to an NFL gameday experience, its creators suggest that those enrolled wake up early on a fall morning and binge drink in a parking lot for four or five hours before clicking “Kickoff” and starting it.

SATURDAY AUG. 18

The least you can do for people while holding them for indeterminable amounts of time in secrecy and without charging them with a crime is offer a few entertainment options. According to ABC News, librarians at Guantanamo Bay’s prison detention center have had to order more copies of the 1990s TV show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air starring Will Smith because a lot of prisoners like watching it. Joint Task Force Guantanamo spokesperson Capt. Jennifer Palmeri said Fresh Prince became popular after a few people watched the first two seasons and then asked for the rest of the series. It’s hard to say if the inhumane things that are being done to those held at Guantanamo Bay have prevented terrorist attacks against America, but this undeniably awesome show might help tilt the scales one way or another on this issue. Chief interrogators at the base plan on refusing to explain to the inmates why Aunt Vivian’s character is played by another actress after a few seasons and seeing if this will make them reveal every last bit of information they have about those who wish to do us harm.

MONDAY AUG. 20

The Ohio School Board today announced that annual school district report cards scheduled to be released on Aug. 29 won’t be ready until September or later. Ohio School Board President Debe Terhar cited an ongoing investigation into the validity of data from local districts as the totally legit reason for the report cards not being ready on time. Terhar told The Enquirer: “We need to make sure the data we have is accurate.” After ensuring that the data is valid, school board members plan to focus on coming up with a less vague-sounding reason for the investigation and explaining to students in the affected districts that deadlines “are just suggestions ... and not written in stone.”

TUESDAY AUG. 21

The city so nice they named it twice might become an even tougher place to find a place to use the bathroom, according to The New York Times. Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg signed legislation that will allow restaurants and coffee shops with an occupancy of 30 or fewer to offer patrons one unisex bathroom rather than one for boys and one for girls. Establishments that seat fewer than 20 are no longer required to provide customers bathroom access at all. In conjunction, the permissible amount of urine and God knows what else puddled across the floors of New York City bathrooms has been raised from one quarter inch to one half inch.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


Scroll to read more Opinion articles

Newsletters

Join CityBeat Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.