Removal of Confederate Plaque Angers Anonymous Individuals
It’s not often that Cincinnati media has a hard time localizing the nation’s latest bout with racial tension, but this week in response to the tragedy in Charlottesville, Va. — and Trump offending every normal person in the country with his response to neo-Nazis starting shit — local reporters had to venture 40 miles north to Franklin, Ohio to find the only Confederate monument around here. Within days, the city had taken down the small plaque mounted to a rock on the side of a road, hauling it off to join its contemporaries in the blackface/Confederacy/Cleveland Indians hall of racism history. Of course, not everyone was happy about the monument’s removal and a few people came out to protest its disappearance, saying even such a weak glorification of Southern history shouldn’t be erased and that they barely ever even noticed the plaque because that stretch of roadway is wide enough to make texting and driving safe.
Presidents Bad, Plastic Bottles Good
Nothing is really sacred in the U.S. now that President Pussy Grabber has climbed the highest mountain of power while presumably dealing with the effects of living with serious heel problems for 90 years or however old he is. *Heel/heal joke maturely avoided.* In response to monuments honoring segregationists coming down across the country, activists have even started pushing for the removal of Mount Rushmore, a national monument depicting the stone faces of presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln looking over South Dakota and wondering where everyone is. But before these activists/liberals/antifa/fake-news-pushers can break one ugly nose off that stupid giant rock, they’ll likely find themselves scaling a new mountain of plastic bottles because Trump last week ended a six-year-old ban on selling them in national parks. Even though the parks offer free water stations that include interesting environmental information like how many eagles are surprisingly still alive, America’s rapid evolution into a dystopian world Kurt Vonnegut thought funny to joke about was hailed by some — namely the International Bottled Water Association, a trade group whose lobbyist Trump named as deputy interior secretary three weeks ago. What’s next? A climate science denier heading the EPA? Oh...
Lawmaker Talks About Something, Literally
You can’t always trust a headline in today’s digital media landscape, but sometimes clickbait can be too tempting not to risk a video advertisement blaring out of your phone in a public restroom. That’s why it’s nice to see a media outlet follow through as promised, and The Enquirer delivered one of the more literal offerings on the web last week — a headline that read “Lawmaker talks about allowing dogs on restaurant patios” and linked to a video of said lawmaker talking. Rather than wasting a bunch of time typing up an article about why dogs are currently not allowed in restaurants, where such a ban originated and whether his idea has any notable supporters or detractors, the 41-second video quickly confirms the accuracy of the headline when, 30 seconds in, Liberty Township State Sen. Bill Coley says “I think that we’re going to find that it’s a very acceptable thing and people enjoy it a lot.” Then the video switches to a sportswriter talking about the Bengals instead of writing an article about that, either.
Fake News ‘New York Times’ Visits Cincy
These days, it’s all good when national media come to town and fawn all over the stuff local rich people think is cool, and last week it was Cincinnati’s turn to revel in the “36-hours-in-______” treatment by the New York Times. Proving that only the bad things it publishes about President Trump are fake news, the Times put together a nice overview of some of this town’s best spots, including the CAC, Sotto, streetcar, Findlay Market and Rhinegeist. “Cincinnati is experiencing a boom, especially in the Over-the-Rhine district where rich cultural offerings and breweries thrive,” the article states, accompanied by photos of people with their backs turned inside the 21c Museum Hotel and texting on Vine Street. The article also advocated for trying goetta but was too biased to mention Skyline.
MLB Umpires Take Stand Against Mild Criticisms
Major League Baseball umpires haven’t had as much to complain about ever since MLB instituted replay challenges — managers aren’t even allowed to kick dirt on them and throw the bases into the outfield anymore. (Technically this wasn’t allowed in the past, either, but it was acceptable and funny.) Nevertheless, the drama between the umpires’ union and certain players talking shit reached a breaking point last week after one player said an umpire “needs to find another job.” Umpires, in response, decided to wear white wristbands to protest such “verbal attacks” from players. The wristband standoff only lasted a day or so — once the commissioner’s office met with the umpires, their union was able to refocus its efforts on figuring out what umpires will do to make money once their jobs are replaced by robots like the rest of America.
Trump Defies Scientists Again, Stares into Eclipse
It’s no wonder everyone in the Trump administration is quitting or getting fired when the president can’t even follow the simplest instructions Americans have been given in about 80 years. Despite most local TV newscasts and all good neighbors repeatedly reminding people not to look into the sun during the eclipse, the U.S. commander in chief wouldn’t listen. Minutes after America finished Instagramming photos of the Eclipse 2017™ experience, photos of Trump squinting into the sky — even pointing at the fucking eclipse — spread across social media. Trump staring into the sun gave the world faith that he truly is too stupid to enact any major conservative policy before seriously harming or accidentally perjuring himself. Trump’s home-schooled son Barron was smart enough to look at the ground instead of listening to his dad — good job Melania!
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