Worst Week Ever! Aug. 19-25

Firefighters concerned about flammable objects, obstacles to putting out fires, etc.; Aroldis Chapman throws so hard MLB had to update its stat thing; Toby Keith restaurant sued for about 1 percent of the things wrong with it; Columbia House loses lots a

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click to enlarge "Is this thing even going to work?"
"Is this thing even going to work?"

Firefighters Concerned About Flammable Objects, Obstacles to Putting Out Fires, Etc. 

Certain professionals prefer to be extremely prepared while on the job — you don’t see surgeons opening up people’s bodies without knowing which gross things inside need to come out and which ones can stay. Firefighters also have difficult jobs and prefer to be well-prepared, which is why representatives of the Cincinnati Fire Department have been working with the company that will run Cincinnati’s streetcar to make sure they know how to work around its electrical wires in case of emergency. But if you were to point and click on the current edition of The Enquirer’s weekly “who mad about the streetcar” article — this one titled “Firefighters Concerned About Streetcar Wires” — you might have expected to see an ax-wielding firefighter tearing a piece of the system out of the ground like Mayor Cranley would do if he knew how to use an ax. Turns out, the story was about how firefighters are being responsible and learning how the electric wires work so they can do their dangerous jobs as confidently as possible, like they do every other day (“This is just another hazard we work with, but it’s what we do,” — Richard Braun, Cincinnati fire chief). Should any firefighters take personal issue with the controversial project, they are expected to figure out a way to get over it in due time, unlike certain local government officials and news media.

Aroldis Chapman Throws so Hard MLB Had to Update Its Stat Thing

Most Cincinnatians are already aware of the type of freak Aroldis Chapman is — he’s like 6-foot-4 and can throw a baseball harder than anybody on Earth. (Some say he runs super fast and is good at soccer, too, which seems weird.) Major League Baseball’s All-Star Team found out about Chappy’s fastball the hard way last month when he basically made all the best players in the game feel sorry for the three dudes who had to face him in front of a national audience. MLB has helped put Chapman’s freakishness into perspective with a new tool called the “Chapman Filter” — a button that removes all his pitches from a list of this year’s fastest pitches so other people can actually be on the list. Chapman occupies the top 101 spots on this year’s list of hardest-thrown pitches, which sounds confusing because he throws 101 mile-per-hour pitches all the time. In fact, the 101 pitches Chapman has thrown — all faster than the second best attempt by anyone else — range in speed from 103.9 mph to 101.69. Without using the Chapman Filter, one would have to scroll down to No. 102 to find the next individual who can mess around at such speeds, though the Detroit Tigers’ Bruce Rondon’s 101-mph fastball was actually hit for a single by Baltimore Oriole Caleb Joseph, who was reportedly so scared that he sacrificed a live chicken before that game.

Toby Keith Restaurant Sued for About 1 Percent of the Things Wrong with It

Toby Keith is the type of guy who threatens to put his boot in the ass of terrorists even though what he really wants to do is sell-out super hard, perform with Ford trucks onstage and open restaurants that reference his songs in tacky ways. So it was not surprising to hear that the Country music performer’s chain of giant-ass restaurants, which prided itself on selling overpriced Southern- and xenophobic-inspired foodstuffs to people who love America but hate most Americans, finally went out of business this summer. Unfortunately for Toby Keith Covel (is his real name fucking French?!?) a new lawsuit accuses his “I Love This Bar & Grill” location at The Banks of stiffing staffers who spent All-Star Weekend serving up items like the “She’s a Hottie Burger” to belligerent (probably) sports fans. According to the lawsuit, staffers were unaware the restaurant was closed until they showed up to work to find a Gone Fishin’ sign on the door where the NoBama sticker used to be.

Columbia House Loses Lots and Lots of Pennies

Today’s young Americans are familiar with large-scale scams — they’ve lived through two Iraq wars, borrowed most of the cost of an increasingly less-valuable higher education and witnessed the creation and continued existence of the Jacksonville Jaguars football team. That’s not to say that everything in the 1980s and ’90s was terrible, however, as evidenced by memories of Columbia House’s 1-cent mail-order CD offer, a glorious era for record companies and the U.S. Postal Service alike. Thought the concept basically involved choosing a bunch of CDs off a postcard and then never fulfilling your obligation to buy others at regular price at a later time, the company reportedly made $1.4 billion in 1996 after building mutually beneficial relationships with record labels and producers. By 2014, however, Columbia House’s revenues had fallen to $17 million, mostly because it failed to keep up with modern streaming services’ new idea of delivering music to consumers in innovative new ways and then never actually paying the artists for it.

Video Game League Announces Drug Testing (Seriously)

Stereotypes are wrong even if they’re funny and/or true. But so is the idea of drug testing competitive video gamers, because those fucking dorks are always jacked up on Mountain Dew and ADHD medicine, typically live in their parents’ basements and don’t have sex until their wedding night which doesn’t occur until they’re about 40 years old. ANYWAY, news last week out of the Electronic Sports League (real thing) was bad for juiced-up gamers, as the ESL is about to start testing for Adderall and other video-game-playing-enhancing drugs. The decision was reportedly made after the shocking admission by a well-known Counter-Strike: Global Offensive player that he and his bros had been on Adderall while playing their video games and that they hoped one day they would be able to spend a day at the beach without getting a sunburn.

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]

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