Worst Week Ever!: Aug. 21-26

FRIDAY AUG. 23: Fascism is a scary word that most people think was invented in Germany to try to exterminate a race of people and make everyone left drive shitty cars. In turn, it is not the most interesting subject to conservative Americans.

1700s selfie
1700s selfie

WEDNESDAY AUG. 21

Very few people know what figures of speech literally meant before inarticulate people started using them instead of real sentences. An example of this occurred today when a spokesman for Gov. John Kasich used the phrase “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” to call state Democrats out for introducing legislation that would ban the governor and four other public officials from receiving compensation other than their salaries. (What is actually good for a goose? Is the gander hungry or something?) The spokesman typically speaks quite articulately when contacted about controversies related to JobsOhio, the private company Kasich created and whose board members have connections to a bunch of companies it gives tax credits to. Democrats pointed out that it kind of seems like a conflict of interest for Kasich to receive deferred compensation from Worthington Industries while in office, since he sat on the company’s board until being elected and then saw JobsOhio give it more than $500,000 in tax credits. Kasich had reportedly earned more than $600,000 from the company through 2011, though the administration says these figures are just evidence that Worthington makes awesome metals and that Ohio is a great place to raise a family. 

THURSDAY AUG. 22

The University of Cincinnati last week unveiled a new marketing plan it hopes will attract a shrinking pool of traditional students to college campuses. Titled “Cincinnati Smart,” the campaign aims to suggest that there is a certain type of smarts that young men and women can only get from attending UC. There are several facets to explaining to teenagers how they’ll improve their lot in life by either borrowing or getting their parents to pay $40,000 for them to go to a college with a renovated campus, really good research, co-ops that let you live outside of Cincinnati sometimes and cool sports teams. A UC spokesperson says the most important advantage the school has these days is President Santa Ono because he is in the social media realm and isn’t afraid to pown students from other schools on Twitter. 

FRIDAY AUG. 23

Fascism is a scary word that most people think was invented in Germany to try to exterminate a race of people and make everyone left drive shitty cars. In turn, it is not the most interesting subject to conservative Americans, who believe hostility toward liberal democracy, socialism and communism — in conjunction with an interest in ultranationalism and indisputable power — is extremely patriotic. (Try bringing this stuff up at a party; then have fun only talking to the weird people.) One of America’s more fascist-y corporations, agricultural biotechnology giant Monsanto, found itself in the news today when Facebook removed an event page for a rally in St. Louis against its science farming, which pissed off everyone who thinks Facebook shouldn’t censor things or that humans shouldn’t make food out of test tubes. The protest is still scheduled for Oct. 12 and is intended to promote sustainable farming and point out that genetically modifying food and paying mass politicians to tell everyone it’s cool is not good for the future of America and that this country already has way more corn syrup than it needs. 

SATURDAY AUG. 24

People on the Internet are interested in many weird things, such as an article posted today at slumberwise.com, an independent website that proves how much free time some people have by only writing about things associated with sleep. Today’s story suggested that our ancestors used to sleep in three- to four-hour intervals with a two- to three-hour break in the middle. Researchers cited by this weird website say they believe the practice had something to do with a lack of electric light — winter nights were long and dark (and full of terrors?) before streetlights were invented, plus hooligans were outside in the dark doing bad stuff, so people made due with 12-hour nights by taking a break from sleeping. What they did during this spare midnight time included tending the fire, reading or having sex with each other, which researchers say makes a lot of sense because there was no Instagram to look at back then, plus the filters wouldn’t work right on such dimly lit photos. 

SUNDAY AUG. 25 

Mainstream American media freaked the hell out over a performance by Miley Cyrus at the MTV Music Awards today. The 20-year-old former Hannah Montana star and daughter of Country music performer/epic mullet rocker Billy Ray Cyrus began her live performance by singing a song about how she/her generation cannot be stopped from partying and doing whatever they want. Old people who get paid to ignorantly argue about how young people should act criticized Cyrus for shaking her ass in people’s faces wearing only a flesh-colored bikini thing and allowing Robin Thicke to simulate sex from behind her during his actually offensive song, “Blurred Lines.” Cyrus’ publicists are expected to spend several weeks thanking American conservatives for caring so much about the overworked former child star’s MTV-sanctioned lewd behavior that they ignored Lady Gaga showing everyone her butt cheeks right before the performance because she’s almost 30. 

MONDAY AUG. 26 

A weird thing happens when a state fires tens of thousands of government employees in an attempt to take back our freedoms from the big government that we created to protect them: The economy suffers because so many more people are unemployed (when you fire people they don’t spend as much money as they would if they still had a job, thus negating the trickle-down effect the job creators have stopped referencing because it is fucking stupid). The Columbus Dispatch today reported data suggesting that Ohio’s gutting of its public-sector workforce — to the tune of 47,900 federal, state and local government jobs — has directly contributed to the state’s slow economic recovery, and most of the job losses have come at the local level — 45,100 jobs in offices such as police forces, firehouses, road crews and schools. Gov. Kasich’s office is calling the practice “right-sizing” the government so it doesn’t have to use negative words like “layoffs,” “downsizing” or “tea party.” 



CONTACT DANNY CROSS:

[email protected]



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