WEDNESDAY AUG. 22
It’s been more than two years since the good folks of Miami University’s Greek community received lots of negative attention for their behavior at the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center. While there, sorority members and their dates peed and threw up everywhere, threw drinks on the dance floor and attempted to steal bottles from the bar. This time, the boys got in trouble after a dawn “fireworks battle” between two frats led to the police coming and finding weed and blow inside of their Bro Castles. Miami University is reportedly considering a plan in which their fraternities and sororities hang out and party together, then charge outsiders a cover charge to come take part in an event that will be more fun than anything you’ve ever done or been to.
THURSDAY AUG. 23
The University of Toledo Medical Center today announced that its kidney transplant program has been suspended following a botched transplant earlier this month resulted in a kidney being ruined by “human error.” Two operating room nurses have been suspended. According to The Enquirer, the patient who had his kidney dropped still has not received a new kidney. Word has leaked that The Toledo Blade plans to title this Sunday’s staff op-ed piece, “Life-Threatening Injuries and Organ Transplants: How to Safely Handle Them from Home.”
FRIDAY AUG. 24
In response to an act of violence on a white person, some hate group called the National Alliance rounded up an astounding five protesters to demonstrate outside the North College Hill police station today. Unfortunately for them, people who aren’t too racist are more popular than those who are, which resulted in nearly 100 people showing up and drowning out the megaphone of the rally’s leader. North College Hill School Superintendent Gary Gellert said only a third of students came to school because many parents didn’t want their kids to have to see the rally, which was held only two doors down from the school complex. Gellert urged parents of the children who stayed home to make them watch the 1986 classic ¡Three Amigos! so the next time a hate group comes to the neighborhood the local kids can construct an effective pit trap beforehand.
SATURDAY AUG. 25
Day 1 of the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., was cancelled today due to severe weather from Tropical Storm Isaac. Speeches by U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, Sen. Rand Paul and others were cancelled. High ranking members of the GOP are said to not be too flustered by the recent climatic upheaval. The rest of the RNC should go off without missing a beat even if Isaac turns into a storm that devastates part of this country like Hurricane Katrina did in 2007. Republican strategists note that even if the storm is just as damaging, they will still have three or four days to continue with their previously scheduled obligations before paying any attention or doing anything about it.
SUNDAY AUG. 26
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of Jersey Shore fame welcomed her first child, a boy, into the world early today. MTV’s statement on this momentous occurrence says the network “looks forward to Lorenzo’s first trip to the Jersey Shore and can’t wait to see his first animal print onesie.” MTV’s release also clearly states that, “this will be our last comment about this child, and, yes, we understand how awkward it is going to be when Lorenzo gets old enough to meet other kids who will make joke after joke about his mom’s hoo hoo being exposed on a near-weekly basis on a major television network.”
MONDAY AUG. 27
Cincinnati Police today responded to the 3600 block of Vine Street where they discovered about 100 weed plants (some as tall as 9 feet) in a backyard. Law enforcement was called to the residence after receiving a report of someone being threatened with a gun, though some of the details of this huge bust remain hazy. It appears obvious that the argument and subsequent gun threat had something to do with one party telling the other about how “you can’t grow weed plants 9 goddamn feet tall in the outdoors in a neighborhood where people have the gift of sight and expect the police to not come.”
TUESDAY AUG. 28
The Transportation Security Administration is trying to fire six bag-screeners and suspend 14 others at Boston’s Logan International Airport. The TSA accuses them of not adequately inspecting luggage, often because they were distracted by their cell phones. The employees plan to contest their dismissal. Their main point about using their cell phones while working is that nobody traveling through the airport can ever understand what Bostonian employees say, and it’s nice to call someone who does sometimes.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
