Worst Week Ever! Aug. 5-11

Robot umpires make their debut; a Texas man shoots an armadillo and receives instant karma; Kraft Singles launches a recall; the contents of the bottle in Sam DuBose's car is analyzed; and the New York Times explains why women feel cold in the off

Aug 5, 2015 at 9:54 am
click to enlarge "What the hell did I do?"
"What the hell did I do?"

Robot Umpires Debut in Hokey California Baseball League, Fans Are Like “Hell Yeah”

America is a place that loves the sound, smell and promise of innovation and advancement. No matter what is out there or what has functioned just fine for decades, there is always a very vocal segment of the population that feels better about everything when they stew on how they are surrounded by idiots. Take baseball, for example. It’s really hard to umpire that sport, with a small sphere being hurled toward a batter at 90 or so miles per hour that must be ruled a strike or a ball even though there are no visible and definite boundaries. These particulars did not stop the San Rafael Pacifics, members of a California baseball league unaffiliated with Major League Baseball, from using a robotic umpire during a recent game against the Vallejo Admirals. An ex-MLB player who was most certainly paid to support this publicity stunt described this event as “adding an umpire” and suggested that robots would speed up the game and change it in all sorts of awesome ways. A large portion of the thousand-or-so fans in attendance thought the robotic addition to America’s pastime was a grand idea, though many stressed that they would not

like technological agents to come along and point out how often they mess up and/or don’t pay enough attention at their jobs any time in the near future.

Texas Man Shoots Armadillo, Receives Instantaneous Karmic Justice by Our Loving Universe

While it would be nice to come up with content about Texas that wasn’t about Ted Cruz being stupid or the Lone Star State executing people or killing them in custody after lane-change violations, it’s not that easy. Take, for example, this recent news gem regarding a justice-seeking gun toter who encountered one of God’s creatures and decided the best thing to do would be to plant a bullet inside in order to assert his dominance. An unidentified man from Marietta, Texas who surely wasn’t all sorts of drunk and feelin’ it reportedly went outside his residence at 3 a.m. local time to shoot an armadillo and got some turtle shell in Mario Bros.-type justice when the .38 round he shot ricocheted off the animal’s shell and struck him in the face. The man had to be airlifted to a nearby hospital to have his jaw wired shut. After this unfortunate incident transpired, the armadillo spoke with members of the local press, explaining that the human was on his property, which gave him carte blanche to try to kill him just like any other Texan would do.

Kraft Singles Launches Recall of Gnarly Cheese Products

The best way to keep customers safe when the food item they usually purchase for you undergoes a “whoopsie” that could harm them is to announce a recall. Once a dangerous product hits the shelves, it can be very difficult to take back before the public is harmed, but The Kraft Heinz Company had to do exactly this in response to 10 consumer complaints about the wrapping on their Kraft Singles cheese product, including three reports of people choking on the plastic packaging that surrounds each slimy slice. Kraft has apologized for this production mishap and admits that there could be more complaints in the future once customers realize their Kraft Singles actually taste better when you leave the plastic on them.

Contents of Bottle in Sam DuBose’s Car Analyzed as if Any Result Could Justify His Murder

Ever since Ray Tensing killed Sam DuBose, many media outlets have been grasping at straws to report particulars of the cold-blooded killing because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. At first, it was reported that DuBose dragged the University of Cincinnati police officer like something from a scene in an Indiana Jones movie and the only thing the law-upholding policeman could do was end DuBose’s life to save his own. It was also repeatedly reported that DuBose handed a bottle of booze over during the first moments of the stop. While semi-alcoholic satire columnists know what color gin is and that the bottle of Barton’s gin that DuBose passed to Tensing was sealed and full of brown liquid, many people did not take note of this. The Hamilton County Coroner’s Office this week stated that the contents of the bottle contained no ethyl alcohol, but did contain chemical compounds commonly found in air fresheners. The coroner’s office is 100-percent certain of this, although it remains unsure of why the media reported this erroneous bit of information with such zest and zeal, as if the prospect of an unarmed driver carrying a sealed bottle of liquor would serve as proper justification for him to be murdered in cold blood by some dipshit cop who should be locked up for life.

‘New York Times’ Explains Why Women Think Offices Are Cold

Many humans who work in office settings with women have noticed that ladies often feel like it is way colder than men do. A recent New York Times article detailed this phenomenon and sought to explain why when “offices turn on the air-conditioning… women freeze into Popsicles.” The article refers to a study published last week in the journal Nature Climate Change, which posits that many offices are set to temperatures based on an antiquated formula using the metabolic rates of men due to “gender-discriminating bias in thermal comfort.” While some readers believe this hooey since it’s in the Times, many others dismissed this reasoning because their employers are way too stupid to use formulas to figure out what temperature to set the thermostat. A more plausible explanation is that the cold and freezy sensations many office workers endure are caused by their souls slowly leaving their body caused by the percentage of time alive as an adult most people spend working jobs they can’t stand or draw any satisfaction from.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]