Oakland A’s Pitcher Imperils National Security, Hosts Syrian Immigrants for Turkey Day
Syrians should all be locked up because some of them might not be nice people. It just makes sense. There are plenty of Facebook memes that succinctly explain this irrefutable line of reasoning, but not everyone gets them. One such individual is Major League Baseball relief pitcher Sean Doolittle, who, alongside his also non-racist girlfriend Eireann Dolan, hosted 17 Syrian refugee families living in the Windy City for Thanksgiving in hopes of getting the message out that not all Americans are xenophobic knobjobs with hard hearts and no understanding of the fact that we took this country via good, old-fashioned genocidal practices. Doolittle and his lady undertook this noble endeavor to let some of the suffering Syrian people know that America is a great place, also taking the time to explain to them that even if the refugees aren’t very good at something and bounce from job to job for a few years because of poor performance, there are still high-paying jobs available for them within the Cincinnati Reds’ bullpen.
Gov. Kasich Takes More Time to Focus on Ohio-State-Football Fanboy Issues
The nice part about being a governor must be the ability to ignore issues that other people care about (police killing black people in situations where white people would not get killed, etc.) for the sake of what you think is important. Once elected, you can be like, “Nah, bruh… it’s all good. I got bigger fish to fry.” And there’s nothing meaningful anyone can do about it because you’re the highest positioned zhlub within the set boundaries and that’s how the rule of people works. Our governor and rabid anti-abortion loon John Kasich is a prime example of how politics in America work, or, in his case, how focusing on college football instead of working works. Because Ohio State played Michigan in football last week and people are supposed to care a lot about it, our state’s leader took time from his busy week to enact some sort of joke legislation banning khakis (favored by Michigan coach with prominent jawline Jim Harbaugh) and the letter “M” (which is the first letter in the word “Michigan”). A representative from Kasich’s communications department tweeted that haters who think Ohio State fans are the most intolerable in all of sport have misguided disdain and that people who couldn’t care less about OSU should keep in mind that our government is a beautiful thing which works in different ways, with some things taking an official decree to enact and other issues (like the country issuing a decisive “HELL NAH!” to the prospect of Kasich ever being a viable presidential candidate) being decided at the polls.
Who Will Think of the Six- and Seven-Figure-Income-Having Athletes?It’s obvious that these younger generations don’t want to learn anything, and since the whole of our life simulation is available and accessible via handheld mobile devices the government uses to track our every movement, the argument could be made that you really don’t need to know anything because the Internet already does. In addition to kids not wanting to sit still and learn no matter how many amphetamines you pump them full of, teachers still show up to work and make chump change for their efforts. They are also unfairly graded and evaluated on the merit of how the stupid kids from dysfunctional families perform on standardized tests. That’s why America stopped holding educators in high esteem or thinking long and hard about the long-term implications of devaluing their work. Athletes are another story. They ruin their bodies and don’t develop any other skills, for the sake of our entertainment. What’s more important than that? You certainly don’t see fighter jet flyovers for teachers before the start of the first day of school. Perhaps that’s why a recent tone-deaf New York Times editorial titled “Fantasy Sports’ Real Crime: Dehumanizing the Athletes” served as a comedic goldmine rather than something that had any point to it… other than beckoning readers to feel bad for people who live way better lives than us and have commas in the numbers in their checking accounts. Hopefully next week’s sports editorial in the NYT will better represent the voice of the common man and explain why most Americans would be in favor of burning an athlete at the stake if that would result in Draft Kings and Fan Duel commercials not airing every single commercial break of every game broadcast.
Shitty, Overpriced Time Warner
Cable Forces CityBeat Columnist
to Go Meta to Hit Deadline
Sometimes this column isn’t as funny as it is other weeks. Could it be too much booze, not enough, or some other factor? That’s a tough one to figure out. What is plain to see is that there is no choice but to hurriedly write it to keep your editor from texting you all sly like “Hey, how’s the column coming?” when you come home on Monday night and can’t write it because the ISP that costs way too much is out of service from one end of Ohio to the other and you end up having to write it Tuesday morning like an idiot. It is our hope that the readership will find this column humorous, and that the purse-string holders at CityBeat will stop replying “Ask Again Later” as if they were a goddamn Magic 8-Ball when this columnist asks when his check might arrive.
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