Overpriced, Overhyped Coffee Makers Now Designed to Wake You up Real Good
Most people’s days start way too early with the jolting buzz of an alarm clock and the startling and quick transition from a dream that was either about doing it, adventuring, or something else cool back into the reality that your life choices have set you on. In order to stay awake and get prepared to do all the stupid things and jump through all the hoops your overseers require, many of us turn to
prescription pills
a strong cup of coffee or two. The problem for up to 7 million coffee-dependent humans is that if they own a Keurig Mini Plus brewer because they like brewing single cups of flavored coffees that taste more like chocolate smoothies and their machine was produced between 2009-2014 with a model number K10 and a serial number beginning with 31, odds are that thing is going to explode and scald them with hot coffee at some time during their pointless existence. According to local superhero John Matarese, the Mini Plus will attempt to maim customers with nearly boiling liquid if they are unfortunate enough to brew more than two cups in a row. Owners of these potentially disfiguring machines are encouraged to exchange them as quickly as possible before they get horribly injured and mocked by the media for years like that poor old lady who spilled molten McDonald’s coffee on herself and suffered third degree burns over 16 percent of her body and was somehow depicted as a bad person trying to game the American legal system.
If You Travel on a Bus, It’s Going to Be Shitty No Matter What
Anyone who has ever set foot in or waited in the Cincinnati Greyhound station knows it is an outer circle of hell. It’s one of those places that smells bad and is dirty enough to make you wonder why you even left your abode in the first place. Recently, Megabus burst onto the scene, offering travelers a lower-cost alternative and a happy-looking logo that made people feel at ease. Everyone was like “hell yeah” until they realized that instead of the penitentiary feel of the Greyhound station, Megabus would offer travelers street corners on which to stand and get rained on while waiting for buses which are as erratic and unreliable as one of our local sports teams. Local startups are seeking seed money hoping to blend the most unpleasant aspects of both existing bus services into one even more gnarly and ineffective method of bus transport, with hopes that it may someday prompt the powers that be to get their heads out of their asses and link the whole country up with clean and quick light rail/bullet train/pew pew pewwww options that would be clean, affordable and not prone to catching afire or never showing up on time, if at all.
People Watch ‘The Interview’ Because That’s What Thomas Jefferson Would Want
If there’s one thing Americans can be counted on to do, it’s blindly supporting things they don’t understand so long as someone mentions something about freedoms being impinged on. Recently, someone from either America, Russia or North Korea or somewhere else hacked Sony real good and released a bunch of embarrassing emails that revealed executives at the company routinely make racist remarks and write in a grammatically butchered style usually reserved for the Tumblr accounts of 15-year-olds. In response to the media’s obsession with this case of computer espionage, millions of Americans flocked to theaters to see the film after Hollywood decided that they weren’t going to cave into hollow threats made on the Internet. With the money rolling in and widespread acceptance of depicting the assassination of another nation’s leader (albeit an awful and inhumane one), Sony Pictures is now forming a focus group to identify what extraordinary measures it will take to get people to go see the next unfunny movie that Seth Rogen and James Franco poop out.
Marriott Hotels Asks FCC For Help Charging Guests Ridiculous Fees to Surf Dat Web
Marriott Hotels is happy to let guests use the Internet, as long as they pay $14.95 or more per day for the privilege. As usual, humans have been like “fuck that” and used their smartphones to connect to the Internet and flout this ridiculously high charge for a basic service. In a recent court filing, Marriot argued that “if a hotel is powerless to address such activities to ensure the security and reliability of its Wi-Fi network on its premises, both the hotel and its guests would suffer.” By suffer, the hotel means guests would be able to use what all Americans should have — reliably access to the Internet without paying astronomical rates for it. Marriott notes that overcharging for Internet access isn’t a bad thing, just like being run by a vehemently anti-gay Mormon family who is supposed to eschew alcohol but will still sell it to all of their hell-bound guests because they make a lot of money by doing so.
America Pays $65 Million to Build Great New School in Welcoming Tropical Climate
It used to be that in order for kids to avoid going to school with unsavory public school kids whose families live in apartments, parents had to shell out a lot of bucks to get them into a private or religiously oriented place of learning. Apparently there is now an alternative to this age-old quandary, as proven by Congress recently allocating $65 million to increase classroom space for up to 275 K-12 students whose family members oversee the illegal and embarrassing Guantanamo Bay torture complex. According to the Miami Herald, a new school in Miami-Dade County costs about $30,000 per student, while this new school in Guantanamo Bay will cost nearly “a quarter-million-dollars per school child.” President Barack Obama hopes the construction of the new school will help American children living there understand that the U.S. government’s dedication to providing them with a solid education is only rivaled by their insistence on detaining the last 132 captives incarcerated behind bars until the end of time.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
