Worst Week Ever!: Dec. 31-Feb. 6

The crisp sound of a rifle shot rings out. Bambi’s mom is dead as fuck.

Can You Believe What Duke Did to the “Cincinnati” Sign?

America thrives so much on controversy and flooding comment sections of online articles with statements so stupid that your first instinct is to check the poster’s profile to make sure you don’t have any friends that are friends with them. Recently we’ve seen events and tragedies both nationwide and here on the home front that have offered ample opportunities for people to let loose and show the rest of the Internet world just how bigoted and/or stupid they are. We here at WWE! noticed that the “Cincinnati” sign adjacent to the convention center was lit up in rainbow colors and wondered if it had anything to do with showing support for Leelah Alcorn and if local jabronis were going to get all indignant and ugly about it. It turns out the color shift of the sign was just a New Year’s celebration so now we’ll move on to other depressing and unsettling societal issues that we seek to dilute with humor.

Studies Show Kids Must be
Indoctrinated Early on to How Grisly and Unpleasant Life Is

The crisp sound of a rifle shot rings out. Bambi’s mom is dead as fuck. Ol’ Yeller gets a touch of the rabies and earns a hot one right behind the ear. Scar shows Mufasa who’s the boss when things get real in The Lion King. For many years fairy tales and movies have included blood-splattering violence to prep kids for the beauty of the world that awaits them when they grow up. These days people are more connected to keyboards than their fellow flawed humans and there’s a study to back up the notion that parental or fluffy dog death is portrayed five times as often in children’s animated films than in dramatic films for adults, according to the official-sounding British Medical Journal. (It’s probably not true and will be refuted by a competing study with a different motive and agenda in a few weeks, but we’ll report on it anyway.) It’s too early to tell if parents should be concerned about their kids seeing a bunch of morbid stuff at an early age or if scientists will determine that this is better than what happens when they grow older and see the same tired ass movies about Transformers and Star Wars over and over as Hollywood continues to mask the fact that they’ve come up with very few good ideas in the past 20 years.

Steelers Fan Solicits Retweets, Promises to Take the Field during Team’s Loss to the Ravens

Before Twitter and the like, kids used to just throw Thirst Busters into open convertibles and set trashcans on fire spontaneously without seeking the encouragement and approval of others first. Now it’s all about the retweets, it seems. During the Pittsburgh Steelers’ loss to the Baltimore Ravens on Jan. 3, a young fan in attendance who inexplicably had battery life left on his phone in the fourth quarter tweeted out that he would hop the wall and scamper onto the playing surface of Heinz Field if his declaration of intent earned more than 400 retweets. Predictably, he quickly received way more than 400 retweets. Also predictably, people tagged #Steelers in it and stadium security was quickly made wise to the plan. They identified the perpetrator, who was kind enough to tweet out a selfie giving away his seat location, and ejected him from the stadium. NFL security hopes that this indiscretion serves as a valuable lesson to the fan and other likeminded individuals who may seek to disrupt playoff football, which is important. In the end, the game finished without incident, and neither the fan, the Steelers nor the Bengals rushed on the field during their Wild Card Weekend losses.

Hamilton County Shifts
Anti-Drug Efforts to Inside the Justice Center

The world is full of illegal drugs and people who will do damn near anything to procure them. A recent heroin overdose (the second fatal one) in the Hamilton County Justice Center has prompted the sheriff’s office to try harder to stop inmates and staffers from bringing drugs and other contraband into the facility. Sherriff Jim Neil organized an hour-long sweep using several K-9 drug dogs the morning of Jan. 5. The demand for heroin is so high that individuals who know they’ll be sentenced to jail have been known to swallow balloons so they have plenty to use and sell once they fish it out of the toilet. Jail workers, lawyers and visitors will face added scrutiny while on site as well. Although the big sweep this week only netted two small bags of marijuana, it probably gives law enforcement officials the reassurance that even though they can’t keep drugs out of jails, let alone off the streets, there is nothing to be gained from admitting that rethinking our nation’s strategy or acknowledging the futility of the War on Drugs might be prudent.

I Was Boahhhhn Freee

♪♫


Detroit is a city renowned for spawning draft-dodging, all-around douche nozzle Ted Nugent, so it’s hard to imagine someone usurping him as the biggest loudmouth associated with it. However, like salmon skinning themselves to pieces to get upstream, humans always find a way. Kid Rock’s recent editorial for London’s The Guardian makes it clear that over the long haul he could supplant The Motor City Madman as the most relevant Detroiter who got rich because people like shitty music and started thinking that the public valued his opinion. In addition to saying he doesn’t use “FaceTweet” on the Internet but does like porn, Kid Rock also opened up about guns being cool, noting that he’s “always buying more guns. I have everything from a Civil War cannon to an MP5 machine gun and old police guns. If someone invades your house, yeah, you can shoot them. I don’t think crazy people should have guns.” The American public eagerly awaits Kid Rock’s next nose-in-the-air op-ed now that he’s ultra-rich, civilized and no longer performing sophisticated sonnets featuring Joe C rapping about such important contemporary issues as being “three foot nine with a 10 foot dick.”


CONTACT ISAAC THORN:

[email protected]


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